Interview with Hayley Quinn

Dating coach Hayley Quinn teaches men and women a new approach to love which emphasizes personal responsibility, action, empathy and a belief that you can design the life you want to lead. She has been featured in media powerhouses like BBC One and Elle.

What’s the biggest misconception people have about becoming better socially, in your opinion?

That more is more. I think whilst a huge social circle and parties all weekend sounds aspirational – I believe it’s actually far more valuable to have close friends who you can rely on and gain emotional security. As well as recognizing that having time spent with yourself is equally as valuable. I’d advise anyone who is working on their social or dating life to still create time for reflection and themselves in order to keep a clear head about what’s really important to them.

What is some realization or understanding of social life that you wish everyone would know?

Make sure that the person people are meeting is a true reflection of yourself; otherwise, you may attract the wrong people into your life.


What piece of information or habit has had the most positive effect on your life socially the last years?

Letting go of FOMO. That party can wait, a good friend will be supportive if you politely cancel (just make sure you give notice!), and nothing is as important as being healthy, well rested and knowing it’s fine to say, ‘Thank you for the invite but have a busy week on so need to stay focused :-)’ or ‘Thanks for the invite – I’m not really in a partying zone but we can grab coffee another time?’

What’s one advice that doesn’t sound like it’ll work before you try it?

Talking about yourself is a great way to build a conversation! Rather than being boastful, done in the right way, it allows the other person to trust you and know it’s okay to talk openly. For instance rather than going into question/answer mode, ‘so whereabouts are you based?’ It will sound a lot warmer to say, ‘I don’t know about you but I actually live in the suburbs and have commuted in today’ and the other person is more likely to give a detailed response.

You write “I’d like more people to feel that they can say what they want to say, approach who they want to approach, and have the relationships they’ve chosen.” What’s one important truth that you teach your new readers when it comes to social life?

Your social and romantic life does reflect the terms you are on with yourself, and how authentic you are.

What do most people get wrong when it comes to talking to someone they’re attracted to?

People often see dating as a performance ‘do they like me?’ ‘why haven’t they text me back?’ instead of asking themselves ‘is this suitable for me?’ ‘am I happy?’ – the key to effective dating isn’t to read someone else’s mind it’s to know yourself really well.

What’s your best advice to someone who tends to overthink social interaction?

You can’t pre-plan an interaction: it’s a skill, not a science. The best learning you will get isn’t in your head, it’s in how many times you are open to experiencing an interaction with another person.

What kind of person should visit your site?

People who are ready to take action and responsibility for their own happiness and learn some serious dating skills. If you are ready, check out my free video series for women here, and for men here.

David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

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