“I seem to attract people who act nice at first but turn out to be unreliable, two-faced, or self-centered. I want to know how to avoid fake friends who don’t respect me.”
People have different definitions of what a fake friend is. Most commonly, a fake friend is someone who is not interested in being a good friend to you. They may hang out with you because they feel like they have no better options. In some cases, they may even be using you in some way or another. Other times, they may care about you but don’t know how to be a good friend. Hanging out with fake friends usually leaves you feeling drained of energy rather than inspired and content.
How do you tell if a friend is fake or not? It’s not always easy to spot the signs. Some toxic people are so subtle in their behavior that it might be months or even years before you realize they aren’t genuine. In this guide, you’ll learn the warning signs of a fake friend.
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Signs of fake friends
Here are 25 questions you can ask yourself to determine if your friend is a true or fake friend.
1. How much do they talk about themselves?
I once had a “friend” who would call me almost daily to discuss his ideas and problems. I tried to be a good friend by listening to and giving feedback.
On some days, I also had something on my mind that I wanted to talk about, but there was never any space for me to speak. And if I did get to talk a little, he soon changed the topic and talked about himself again.
He wasn’t really interested in me or my life. I realized that he was a bad friend because I never got anything back in that relationship.
I don’t think he was a bad person, but our relationship was one-sided.
Fake friends are not interested in you. They’re only interested in themselves. They may use you as an audience or therapist.
2. How interested are they in you?
Do they ask you many questions about your life, opinions, and feelings? Do you get to talk about your problems? Do they support you when things are rough? These are signs of a real friend.
Do they listen if you tell them something important about you or your life? Do they remember special events and dates that are significant for you?
Some people aren’t very good at asking questions. This doesn’t mean they don’t care. However, you should still get the general impression that they want to know you on a deeper level.
3. What type of people do they hang out with?
I remember when one of my friends started dating a new girl. He told me she was amazing, but her behaviors sometimes troubled him.
Then he told me that his girlfriend’s best friend was a big douchebag and that she regularly hung out with some sketchy people.
That got me thinking. Why would a good person hang out with bad people like that? Sure, we all make bad choices, and it can take time to figure out what someone is really like. But when someone’s best friend is a big douchebag, and they hang out with other bad people, those are BIG WARNING SIGNS.
So, if you don’t like your friend’s other friends, that’s a red flag.
4. Do they apologize and make up for their mistakes?
My best friend once forgot about our date, and I was left alone in the middle of town. I called him, and he was extremely embarrassed and apologetic about it. He later made up for it by making a fantastic lunch for me.
A fake friend wouldn’t have cared. They might even have been annoyed or irritated by my reaction. Real friends make mistakes, but they own up to them and apologize.
5. Do they lie to you or others?
An occasional white lie is OK. For example, most of us have said, “Thank you for dinner. It was delicious!” at some point, even when the food wasn’t very good. But if someone lies often or tells big lies, this doesn’t reflect well on their character.
It’s not easy to know if someone is lying to you. However, watching them with other people can give you some clues. If they lie to others or act insincere, they might do the same to you.
6. How do they make you feel about yourself?
How do you feel when you are with your friends? How do you feel afterward? Do they do or say anything that affects your mood negatively?
Here’s how bad friends can make you feel:
- You feel bad about yourself
- You feel there’s something wrong with you
- You feel you’re not good enough
- You feel you need to change yourself to fit in with the group
- You feel ashamed of yourself
- You feel that your friends are taking pity on you by inviting you to spend time with them
- You feel that you can’t let your real personality shine through
Real friends lift you up and make you feel good about yourself.
7. Are they critical of your achievements?
Good friends can give constructive criticism when you need it, but they mostly support you and ensure you know how awesome you are when you achieve something.
A fake friend, however, is likelier to act like you are in some competition. When you bring up an accomplishment, they may bring up something impressive that they did or try to downplay your achievement.
8. Do they understand your limitations?
Fake friends will expect a lot from you and get angry or irritated when you disappoint them.
Real friends have reasonable expectations of you, and they are understanding of your mistakes and flaws. They understand when and why you can’t or don’t want to do something.
9. Do they respect your boundaries?
Fake friends overstep your boundaries and make you do and accept things you don’t want.
Real friends respect you and your boundaries. And if they accidentally go too far, they apologize when you tell them how you feel.
I’ve also written an article you might like about how to be more respected by people.
10. Are they supportive?
Fake friends get envious and jealous when you do well, and they will probably try to put you down in those situations or minimize your achievements. Good friends will be happy for you when you do well and will help you out if they can.
11. Do they stand up for you?
I was once at a house party where most of us knew each other, but the “leader” of our group never really seemed to like me.
He often gave me backhanded compliments and was always critical of me. At this party, he started making fun of me in front of some girls. He tried to disguise it as a “joke.”
I even tried to play along by laughing with them.
I didn’t notice how mean he was until later, when one of my other friends told me that the situation made him uncomfortable. He said he didn’t think it was OK for the “leader” to behave like that. My friend then talked to our leader about it.
The fact that he stood up for me meant a lot. Even though nobody dared to say anything immediately, I could tell by my friend’s reaction that he was a true friend. It also made me see that our “leader” wasn’t a real friend.
Read more about how to deal with friends who don’t respect you.
12. Is there always some sort of drama going on in their life?
Ever heard someone say, “I don’t like drama,” yet they seem to be surrounded by it? There’s a good chance they are the source of the problem.
If you are losing respect for a friend, this could be why. It’s hard to respect someone who keeps making trouble for themselves.
Fake friends are often dramatic. For example, they may announce that they are breaking up with a friend or partner but then change their mind. They tend to cause arguments and misunderstandings wherever they go. They also make a big deal of small things and don’t own up to their mistakes.
Real friends try to solve your differences and find a middle ground where you agree. They would rather have a calm discussion than throw a temper tantrum.
13. Do they help you out when you need it?
Fake friends often ask you for help. In time, they might ask you for bigger and bigger favors. Their requests are often borderline unreasonable, but you never get anything back.
Nobody can be expected to help you with everything, but real friends are ready to help you when you truly need it.
You can read more about friends who ask for help but never give back.
14. Do they act differently when around others?
Are they mean when you are alone but act nice to you in front of other people? Or maybe it’s the other way around: they’re nice in a one-on-one conversation but mean toward you when you socialize as part of a group.
Fake friends act differently depending on who is around. This behavior is unacceptable. Real friends are consistent, not two-faced.
15. Do they speak badly of you behind your back?
Fake friends talk shit and gossip about others with you. That’s a sign that they might gossip about you behind your back when you aren’t around to hear it.
Real friends mostly say good things about others and good things about you.
16. Do they seem happy to see you?
When I first got to know David (the founder of SocialSelf), I remember how he always greeted me with a big smile and a hug. I instantly felt great around him and wanted to spend more time with him.
When someone makes you feel good around them, that’s a sign they’re also a good person and a good friend.
Fake friends are often in a bad mood. They are irritable and like to vent a lot. Real friends also need to vent, but it should be balanced with positive, fun conversations.
17. Can you be yourself around them?
Can you relax and be yourself around your friend? Or do you have to put on a mask and fake it to fit in? If you can’t be authentic around them, it might be time to stop keeping in touch with them.
Real friends allow you to be yourself because they accept you and like you for who you are. Fake friends don’t. If you need to fake interests or pretend to be someone else to make the friendship work, it’s not a true friendship.
18. Can you trust them to keep a secret?
Fake friends will tell your secrets to others because they don’t really care about you or respect your privacy.
Real friends can be trusted with your secrets. If someone has betrayed your trust more than once (and not apologized!), it might be time to rethink your relationship.
19. Do they try to one-up you?
Fake friends will try to one-up you. For example, if you tell them you got a new phone, they will claim their phone is better or criticize your phone.
They act like this because they have an inferiority complex and must prove they’re better than everyone else.
20. Do they say, “It was just a joke”?
Have you ever told someone you got offended or hurt, and they defended themselves with the classic line, “I was just joking” or, “You’re too sensitive, you should learn to take a joke”?
That means they’re not acknowledging their bad behavior, and they’re not apologizing. These are both signs of a bad friend. A good friend will not (regularly) brush your feelings off like that. They will try to make amends instead of making excuses.
21. Have they been gaslighting you?
People who gaslight you are one of the worst types of fake friends because they can make you feel crazy.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone tries to make you question your judgment. Here’s an example:
One day, Abby is using her boyfriend’s laptop. She sees some flirtatious messages between her boyfriend and her friend Sophie. Abby worries that they might be secretly seeing each other.
She confronts Sophie. Sophie denies that she has been flirting with Abby’s boyfriend. She tells Abby, “How could you possibly think I’d do that to you? You know I’m your best friend!”
This makes Abby confused. After all, why would Sophie lie? Abby starts to think, “Maybe I’m being paranoid here? Am I one of those overprotective girlfriends?”
Gaslighting is unacceptable in any relationship, whether romantic or platonic. It signals a complete lack of respect. Avoid people who manipulate you like this.
22. Do they drop off the radar when they start dating someone new?
Fake friends will ignore you when they meet a new boyfriend or girlfriend. They may suddenly reappear when the relationship goes wrong and they want advice, or when it ends and they need someone to give them emotional support. Real friends make time for you even when they are caught up in an exciting new relationship.
23. Are they using you to gain access to other people?
Sometimes, fake friends try to get close to you because they want to take advantage of your connections.
For example, a fake friend might only act nice to you because they want to date one of your other friends or because you know someone who could help them land a new job.
Watch out for a friend who directly asks for introductions when you haven’t known them for very long. It’s normal to network with your friend’s friends, but be on guard if they seem more interested in meeting your social circle than spending time with you.
24. Do they use emotional blackmail?
Fake friends try to get something from you by manipulating your emotions. This is called emotional blackmail.
For example, let’s say your friend wants to borrow your car one weekend. Unfortunately, they are a bad driver who has been in more than one accident. You aren’t comfortable lending them your car, and you politely tell them why. Your friend says, “If you were a real friend, you’d give me a chance.”
In this case, your friend would be emotionally blackmailing you by trying to make you feel guilty for saying “No.” Real friends don’t behave this way. When they hear “No,” they respect it.
25. Are they only around when things go well?
Does your friend seem happy to hang out when it’s a party or special event but disappear when you’re struggling or going through a hard time? A good friend will stick with you through good times and bad.
How to deal with fake friends
If you’ve assessed your friendship and find it lacking, what should you do about it? That depends on several factors, such as:
- How long you’ve been friends (and how much of that time was good)
- How important the friendship is to you
- How many good things are in the friendship compared to the bad
- Whether you feel your friend is well-meaning or not
Here are some things you can do if you find yourself with a friend you feel is not a real friend.
1. Assert yourself
Are you waiting for your friends to show you that they care, or are you taking initiative in your friendship?
For example, do you share things about your life or wait for your friends to ask? Do you try to organize activities that are important to you?
Changing dynamics in a friendship can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. You can start to speak up and express your needs, feelings, and interests. Sometimes, it only takes one person working on themselves in a relationship for things to start changing for the better.
You might find the following guide useful: what to do when your friends only talk about themselves.
2. Work on boundaries
People often find themselves doing more than they’re comfortable with and then feeling resentful when others don’t do the same.
For example, you may make an effort to pick up your phone and listen whenever your friend needs to vent, no matter what you’re doing at the time. Then, if you call them and they say they’re too busy to talk, you feel angry and upset that they’re not a true friend like you.
The solution here isn’t necessarily to stop being friends. Setting boundaries can help you feel more balanced in your friendships. You may decide to request that your friend ask if you’re in a good headspace before bringing up difficult topics or turn off your phone after a certain time at night.
Read our in-depth guide on setting boundaries for more on this important topic.
3. Bring up the issues that are bothering you
If you’re not sure if your friend cares about your friendship or not, you can try to talk to them about the things that bother you and see how they react. They may be unaware that they are acting in hurtful ways and are open to working on it.
We have a guide that can help you tell a friend they hurt you.
4. Decide how much you want to invest
Your friend may be great in many ways, keeping you on the fence about whether they’re a true friend or not. One possible explanation is that you have different expectations from friendship.
If you find yourself in a friendship that feels one-sided, ask yourself what you’re getting by giving more than you receive. You may decide that you would feel better in the friendship by spending less time together or reframing the way you see the relationship.
5. Distance yourself
If asserting yourself, setting boundaries, and communicating with your friend doesn’t work, making your fake friends less of a priority in your life is the next step. Stop reaching out to them. Instead, get comfortable spending time by yourself, and start working on making new friends.
How can you distance yourself if your fake friend keeps inviting you out? Read our article: how to tell someone you don’t want to hang out.
6. Reach out to new people
If you feel lonely, you’re more likely to feel dependent on someone, even if they’re not a good friend. By making more friends, you’ll be able to look at your friendships more objectively. It will then be easier to walk away from friendships that aren’t making you feel good.
We have several guides on making friends in specific situations (in high school, if you’re over 50, if you have social anxiety…), so have a look around.
7. Consider seeking professional support
Being surrounded by bad friends can be extremely draining and tough to deal with on your own. Just one bad friend can be too much to deal with on your own. A therapist can help you gain more clarity and also support you through any emotional fallout when dealing with bad, fake friends.
Seeing a therapist can be particularly helpful if you’ve found yourself with more than one fake friend during your life. A therapist can help you learn to assert your needs to create more fulfilling relationships. Your therapist can also help you recognize signs early on that a person isn’t capable of being a good friend.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
(To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)
If you’re still unsure about your friendship, you might like to read this article about the signs of a toxic friendship.
Someone I considered a friend for many years is actually not. I am merely a convenience to her. Most of the time I am doing her favors. When I need her for some support and talk, she will most often say she is busy watching a tv program right now. When out together she interrupts what I say frequently, to start talking about herself.
While I do have others who I feel are true friends, this one is toxic. What I really think is the problem between us is – we are not at all compatible in interests, hobbies or viewpoints.
Two people like this struggle to enjoy their time together. No comment interests or values. I’ve always felt this way. She doesn’t accept any of my idiocracies and tends to criticize a lot, as well talks badly about others in her life.
Does anyone agree it’s a basic incompatibility issue? This person regularly calls me up for favors which means she doesn’t feel compatibility with you either. Yet is happy to use you – if you are willing?
just slowly let her on her way and start living your life as you want and wish.
My so-called friend for years has been using me for favors for years! Only in the past 3 months have I noticed. I thought being a good friend meant listening to their problems and doing favors. In hindsight I was just a convenience for her.
A few red flags. Over the years she has commented negatively on my appearance in some way. Like my lipstick looked clownish or my hair doesn’t look good. What kind of a friend says these things.
Also I sent her a photo of us together at a xmas lunch. No response. Later I asked if she got the MMS I sent. Reply was “yes”. I sent a text saying sorry to hear of her sisters death. Are you going to fly home for funeral? Reply was a terse “yes”.
Out of the blue she asks if I can take her & pick her up from airport from her trip back. It would involve 2 hrs of my time, gas and wear & tear on my car. No offer of any compensation ($ or lunch/coffee). I told her no.
She took 3 days to respond with an “ok”.
I’m getting a clearer read on the fact she doesn’t really like me much (I frankly dont care) and is just using me for favors.
She really criticizes other people in her life who “help her out”.
I think this woman is mean down to the bone I want out of this. I refuse to see her or talk on the phone and shes getting all clingy & needy.
I can’t believe how much of a doormat I have been all these years and I only noticed it recently!
I totally hate myself!
I have a friend that is always being pushed around, and one time her “friends” were in the bathroom and whispered to each other that she was a cry baby b**** witch got me really worked up. I want to help my friend with her depresion but I am kinda clueless how to get her happy.
Please tell me how 🙁
you should tell her about the problem.
teling the truth always helps…
also tell her politely….
I had a friend that has a girlfriend he bailed on plans all the time never came through like never he said he would text me I had to text him first I had to do everything he was pretty much a jerk one of his friends was a jerk too his girlfriend is also a jerk very selfish and inconsiderate so needless to say I’m no longer friends with him anymore I really don’t want to be his friend anymore I’m good with the friends I have now there’s no need to be his friend now I don’t trust guys that are in relationships unless they are family
My “friend” Tori was never there when I needed her. Like when we were at school she would always ignore me. And whenever she said something bad about me I would start walking away and she said she was joking. ( That’s all the time now) Then when I was getting bullied I asked if she would help me. She said that I needed to go to a councilor. I got really offended. I don’t talk to her anymore. And whenever shes near my brother she just ignores me. I really don’t want to leave her. But I don’t think I have a choice.
Please help me,
Tessa
Hey, do whatever makes you feel better. If you feel like it will be best to leave her, then do that! If she does not care about your feelings then that can change her character a bit. If she also really irritates you, then just leave her! 🙂 So just do whatever you want and follow your gut on this, not your brain or heart, just your gut.
My friend called me fake because I didnt call him for 2 days
My friend called me fake because I didn’t call him for 2 days and he always acts mean around me but nice around everyone else and when I facetime him, he says he will hang up if he doesnt get his way and he always wants time for himself and I to play when I am working and I might get fired because of him someone help please I dont know what to do!!!!!
Ok, so he’s mean to you + he emotionally manipulates you to get his way + he might make you lose your job. I can’t see how it could be more clear what you need to do. You need to cut contact with him. He’s not your friend.
I have a friend that i recently heard talking about me and my other friend to her friend and she said i was a b****. But she is really caring about me. She claims to have depression and insomnia but that is a lie. Should i trust her?
She’s lying + she’s bad-mouthing you. What makes you think you should trust someone like that?
wow. I’m glad you saw this and realized the truth so you could turn it around
with the fake friends it’s ok I have a few fake friends it sucks you put in your time to know them, help them, and be there when they need it but they can’t be there to support you or help with your issues they are always liars. It isn’t fair to us the people who want to know our friend meanwhile our “friend” is either talking crap or using us to benefit themselves or to simply play with us.
it’s dumb I can truly with heart understand where you are coming from.
I have a friend named Lyric. She talks on the bus with another girl named kaitlin and acts so nice to her but rude to me. They both say i have a big forehead wich is bullying me. They bring up the negative things about me and dont appreciate the things im great at. She can never keep secrets and giggles and screams and tells everyone around her what i said. She says i look ugly and be’s rude to me. She dose not smile at me that much when i randomly walk past her or something. Sometimes during class, she will give me a mean look. When i ask her if we are friends, she says we are frenemies. She plays with my hair and says its so thick and tangled. If i get hurt or scrape my skin she wont say, “are you ok?”. Instead she will run of playing with others and look at me but ignore me hurting. Oh, please Viktor Sander HELP!!!
it’s okay i understand but there are people out there that love you and that really care about you. The fakes are just trying to benefit from being your friend, or they are just playing with you. I hope things got better for you and your friend. 4 real I hope you live the best life without fake friends.
oof bro that’s terrible.
So… I do some of the things fake friends do and I really don’t mean it, like I might make fun of one of my friends but because most of my friends are good at pretending, I seriously can’t tell if it gets to them or not and I will say/do stuff I regret the day after but don’t know how to apologize or talk about it without feeling like they will just not care. I’m also horrible at being sincere, like I feel it, I feel bad for them and want to make things better but because that feeling feels like sadness, I treat it like sadness and attempt to act happy which I am good at but I don’t want them to think I don’t care…
You should not make fun just because most of your friends are good at pertending dude!! Do not act like a fake friend because your friend will research about u to see if you are a true friend and think YOUR a fake friend!! You should consider seeing a therapist and\or school counselor. I would think your a horribly mean fake friend if you were my best friend!!!
I had people who I thought were friends but it turned out they weren’t, they were quite happy to let me spend Xmas on my own when they knew full well I would be alone and yet complained to me that I never ask them over…well why would I…I was always the one to make the first move and recently my text messages had been getting read (they had read receipts showing) but they ignored and never replied not even days later, just ignored totally and the only reason they asked me (how am I doing) was because they wanted tell me about their health issues, well frankly I don’t care, because if they did care they would keeping in touch, I always made the first move towards contact, so that speaks volumes now, it was all one sided, I don’t need people like that in my life, I need people who are happy to hear from me and start a conversation and to take their turn in being the first to contact me for a change because if I am always the one to make contact first then it’s obvious they don’t want to hear from otherwise they would be calling or texting, even just to say Hi, people these days need to be savvy about phone etiquette and common courtesies.
Ok I have a surprise to be a best friend he don’t invite no we’re than he lies to cover up, this guy had got put out of his home and I let him in, and that’s what I get from him, is he ashame of me, or what he was doing this for years, I am getting to the point were I am going to end this friendship,
can relate to you very much
I have had to leave a toxic group of friends that I went to college with. They always treated me like I wasn’t good enough to hang out with them and that I had to change myself in order to be deemed good enough to hang out with them. It was a music course so incredibly competitive . They told me that I am over confident when I did better than them in exams and performances. My crush did like me back but he refused to talk to me in front of them unless he was being rude . He is worried what they think about me. Some of them fat shamed me because I have a thicker body shape than them. I have lost 20 pounds this year approximately. They always tell me that I dress too fancy for college which isn’t true I just like to wear dresses and skirts instead of tracksuits and jeans. Some of these people aren’t even that young they are like close to forty years old. Way too old to be behaving like children. I have deleted and blocked some of those people because I don’t need that kind of negativity . They can’t believe that I don’t drink much alcohol which I don’t due to health reasons.
i fell the same way you fell when im around my friend they not doing nun of the thing i just read bout
I was mad thinking that my friend could’ve been faking on me, even to this extent that I ended up reading this article randomly at 12:58 am. Reading this was fun when the first few descriptions mirrored the quality of my friend, however, it turns out that most of these descriptions was me. The realization hits hard — I turned out to be the person I hated the most. It’s sad thinking that I wasn’t able becoming a good friend for her and them instead. I’m just a pathetic fool believing on her make-believed scenarios. I feel sorry for them and ashamed at the same time. I don’t know now how to keep things real between us when in the first place I was the fake one. I don’t know how to make it up to them
Just the fact that you have this self-awareness now tells me that it may be possible to save and improve your relationship. Tell them about what you realized and what changes you want in your own behavior toward them. Consider apologizing if there is something you did that wasn’t respectful to them in the past. I believe you can be an amazing friend if you make the effort.
Best of luck!
I suffer with depression and social phobia and I feel more comfortable socializing online but to help cope with my mental health issues while socializing online I like to put coping mechanisms in place as I still get anxious while doing this.
This evening I was hanging out with someone I consider a close friend when she got one of her other friends that they know I don’t trust to come into my comfort zone for short periods as a joke and they got hurt and angry that I got hurt and annoyed by this and I now feel like I’m the bad guy because I told them how I feel and that I didn’t find it funny.
There have been a few times that I’ve explained my coping mechanisms to the group and a couple of them have told me that there stupid when I feel that the ones I have in place seem to work for me.
Am I in the wrong for getting upset over this as it was ment as a joke?
No, if they don’t understand your needs and anxiety then they’re at fault. You should explain what its like having mental illnesses so that they can understand what it’s like; even if it was a joke, it still hurt you and they should understand and comfort you rather than get angry at you for being the way you are.
I think you should work on your phobias above all else. They could of been trying to introduce somone into your bubble to coax you out of it. Living a life in fear and anxiety is no life to live. I hope your situation improves for you.
Can I ask for some advice? I’ve known this girl for about a year (we go to school together). We always listen to each others problems and are really open about both of our mental health issues (we both suffer from depression and anxiety and I am bipolar. Both of us are lgbtq+). Recently, I haven’t been able to say a single thing online without getting in a fight with her. At school we’re fine, but the second we start to text, boom. Everything comes out wrong and we get mad over the smallest things. She has also been using me as a therapist more than usual; I usually don’t mind as she is the same me, but recently the 1am phone calls have become regular. I know that she is going through a lot but she doesn’t understand that I am too. She’s battled cancer for years and has a broken rib, but lives in a supporting and caring environment. Both my parents are homophobic and are very hard on me about grades. I know it’s no comparison but still. Lately she’s been acting either like she knows everything and I don’t understand, or else saying that I’m being mean when I don’t praise her immediately. She seems fine at school and I’ve talked to her parents to see if anything new has happened that could explain this sudden temper over everything I say. And its just me! We’re best friends – or at least used to be – and if any of our mutual friends sent the same text as I did she wouldn’t get angry at them. I’ve talked to friends about it who agree, and shown our messages to neutral people who aren’t biased and they agree as well.
Anyway. Sorry this is a bit confusing to read. What do you think I should do? We both apologise after every fight, and I can’t take a break from messaging her as we need to for a school project…
Growing up, in primary school, i knew everyone, everyone knew me, and u got along with almost everyone. But moving up to high school my primary was split. I had to make new friends, my best mate at the time was a boy (fake name) named Noah. Noah was really friendly and similar to me. But he changed, I stuck with him, slowly becoming friends with his friends. His friends weren’t that bad, but they werent like me at all. I noticed after a year and a bit, Noah had changed, he was kind. Now he swore a LOT and he often got in trouble with teachers etc… Him and another boy Lewis came round mine, and they ended up really hurting me, and it was hard for me as I was already going through depression. But when I brought it up, almost crying, they brushed it off and called it a joke. And laughed at me in tears. Thats when I realized. I’ve been sticking with these people for to long. They have changed, I was even starting to change. I was the “goody to shoes” type. But I had been always thinking negatively when around them. In high school it was difficult to make knew friends 2 years in. I was known as the vegan kid. I was being bullied picked on etc. (I have sought help). I had many friends, but none of them where close. I couldnt just hang out with them, they had me as somone to come to for backup, when they are down. Pretty much. I eventually found a group of people who I really enjoyed their company. I knew them from class. One time I asked them what they where doing at lunch, and I managed to hang with them without sounding too desperate. It was the most fun I had had at school in my time here! It was great, but everything comes with its downs, most of the people in the group where girls. To be honest I don’t really like boys. Girls are *usually* much more mature. But what happened was everyone thought I had a crush on a girl named Maddy. And then I got picked on for even more stuff. But I had so much fun, all I could think about was them. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus. After time I got used to it. I stopped thinking about them all the time. But my tutor is with Noah. For 30 mins everyday I have to put up with him and a few others asking where I was at lunch. I would say with some people in fry (we have houses, I’m in kett with Noah. The other group was in fry) and he would say you have no friends in fry! Im so grateful to have people I enjoy working with. But Im not sure if they actually like me. They are all really nice people, maybe too nice to say it. I’m worried that I’ll lose them.
Thanks if you read this far. I’ve never shared any of this information. Please if you know who this is don’t share.
Hi!
I absolutely loved your post. Very helpful. But I also wanted to know your insite on my situation as well. A part of me feels like this is all my own fault for feeling the way I do. I met this girl about 9 months ago and she started calling me her best friend and telling me she loved me and cared about me more than anything about 3 months into our friendship. I instantly jumped all in and took what she had said the opposite of lightly. I have never really had a “best friend” but always longed for one of course. At the time we met she told me she had a falling out with a former best friend she knew for 9 years. Apparently this girl ghosted her out of no where and stopped all contact and avoided her for a whole year without explanation. Because she explained this to me towards the beginning of our relationship I comforted her and reassured her with all the advice, guidance, and comfort I can offer her, because of course going through something like that hurts! Here we are about 8 months later and shes been friends with her again for about 5 months after her and I met. For some reason I would always find out she would be hanging out with her instead of her just telling me (since we talk every single day) so I have always found that weird. But then as time has gone on there have been a couple of times she has blown me off and says she will call me later or have lunch with me another day because “she has made plans with a friend”, now this is after the fact her and I make plans to hang out. I want to believe that she still cares about me and loves me because she is still very open with me and talks to me about most things. I will admit, it hurts knowing shes hanging out with her again. I could never get myself to hang out with her and her friend that once hurt her so badly. I mean, after 9 years of friendship how is someone going to just drop all contact and ignore you for a whole year?? Thats almost a little traumatizing. And she has admitted to me recently that she still doesnt trust her and what she did took a huge impact on her life. Which I totally understand. So why is she still putting in the effort to hang out with this girl? It does hurt me. I have always supported the idea of people having more than one friend. But when she blows me off for this girl that once caused her so much emotional pain it cuts deep. I have tried once to approach her about this and all she has to say about it is she gets stressed because she feels she has to hide the fact they are hanging out for my sake. Which is besides the point I am trying to make with her. Why would she use the word best friend and “I love you and care about you so much” so lightly. Maybe its because I am not the type to use these words lightly with people. They are very sacred to me. I am finding myself shutting down more and more as the days go on because a part of me feels like I am here for her convenience. I am just another friend she talks to everyday and hangs out with when she has nothing else to do when I thought I was supposed to be more than that.
I recently had a terrible cold and was out of commission for over a week. When I mentioned my condition to a friend who texted, it was met with silence. Two days later, I saw he’d posted on FB that he’d been in my neighborhood having lunch! No phone call from him asking if he could bring me anything or how was I doing!
I texted him after seeing his post, and he said, Oh, I thought you were going to text me when you felt better. It’s not how a true friend would act in my book.
Any thoughts?
Hi, although I agree with your idea that friends can be influenced by other people they enjoy spending time with, how does one truly know that the people they they hang around with are good or bad, and what should one do? I’m sorry if this sounds confusing, but I have a friend who now spends time with different people. We’ve known each other since childhood and are opposites of one another: I am an introvert, she is an extrovert. I want her to continue meeting new people and experiencing new things, because she is that type of person. I don’t want to limit her. However, I have met the new people she hangs out with, and I get bad vibes meeting them because I feel like they’re talking behind my back. Every time I meet them or try to talk to them, they seem to act as if I’m not there, and I haven’t said anything. Or, they would act as if I said something wrong and tease me. Maybe they don’t like me because I’m introverted and I stutter a lot when talking to people I’m not familiar with, or maybe because I am closer to her than them. I don’t know how to feel about these new people. I’ve guessed I’ve never told my friend about these feelings, because I don’t want to make her upset. I don’t want to be a bad or ‘fake’ friend to her either. Am I a bad or fake friend for thinking like this? What should I do?
There used to be 4 of us in our group at work, we were always together during our breaks. When we started working in production we were introduced to our supervisors, I was struggling that time with my work. They all knew it, later on I noticed that I was all alone during our break scheds. I thought to myself that maybe it’s because it’s taking me longer to finish my work, aside from that there is this other friend of mine who would sometimes wait for me before he took his break.
During that time my 2 friends were always with 1 of our supervisor, oftentimes by the time that I get to the pantry they were all on their way out so this dragged on for 3 days. During this time I felt that I was being left out, I was starting to feel melancholy.
Last day of work, we planned a drinking session and we had a good time along with our supervisor. For some reason I was not at ease with the supervisor but I still tried to get along with them, next working day I was again struggling with work. I needed help with my work so I decided to ask the supervisor, that time he was helping out 1 of our colleagues. So I waited for them before asking my question, my customer was waiting for me to return that time so I asked the customer twice to give me 10 mins to speak to a supervisor. The supervisor was finished helping out with my colleague so I asked my question then, that time 1 of the member of our group was waiting as well. The supervisor gave me an instruction and left to help the member of our group without even answering my question, so I was dumbfounded and did not know what to do. Thankfully the other supervisor came and was able to give me an answer to my query, that was the time that I felt that I was being ignored.
After that I no longer joined them but I was still in touch with 1 of the member of our group, I secluded myself from our team and and never joined them in any of their activities. Recently 1 of the members of our group tried to reach out for me, the one which the supervisor helped. I told them that I was ok and that there was nothing wrong with me, that was when I started remembering what happened again. And it made me feel unease whenever I see them together, but I try not to show my disappointment. During this time I made sure that whenever I go to the pantry it would be late so that I wouldnt have to see them, then one day as I was eating by myself. They both showed up and the member of our group asked how I was doing, I did not finish my food and left the pantry in a hurry to eat somewhere else. After our break the member of our group and the supervisor both wrote an email to me asking me if I was upset at them, I made up an excuse just to avoid them.
I hate being ignored and I hate the fact that they are telling me things like they miss the old me. Which is absurd because they were the ones that left me out in the first place, I just continued what they started. I know for a fact that I am wrong with what I am doing now but they made me feel like I was all alone. I don’t like being treated like trash, and I really dont want to speak to them anymore.
I noticed my friends are fake as i do not speak english that well i am a short guy and i have pimples everywhere and all i kept on hearing was criticisms once we are 1on1 thei van be nice but when more pleople come thei try to make me fell bad.
TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC!HPD NPD borderline!! Don’t worry about what others think take care of you I have the same exact situation with my fake friend neighbor that’s where the histrionic comes in at about all about attention and if you try to talk to her or give her any advice she’s going to turn around and badmouth you I would start distancing myself from this person ASAP educate yourself as I have for the last six years read about antisocial personality disorder sociopathy histrionic and narcissism as well as toxic people and you will have all the answers good luck!
my friend judge me a lot and i’m hiding a lot of important thkngs from her because she won’t understand and she just make things worst when i’m in bad mood, it’s tiring and i can’t be exactly myself with her, she talks a lot about her, and request a lot of services etc.. but im afraid to hurt her or being bad to her,afraid if she’s innocent.. idk, help☹?
I once had a best friend but after he meant another girl his behavior changes towards me even if I try getting his attention or fell like playing with him,he got angry and start working out on me
I used to be friends (and kinda still am) who would ignore me and when I asked her about it she would roll her eyes and say she wasn’t ignoring me. She later came up to me and said that she never wanted to be my friend again and according to two of my other friends that she still talked to she cussed me out and told me to “burn in hell” every day. Then over the summer she texted me and said “hey I love you, I miss you, can we be friends again.” and of course I said yes because we had volleyball season coming up and it would be awkward to not be able to talk to each other. We were getting closer again but lately she has been acting weird and I don’t know what to do any more. I’m also having problems at home and its really hard to deal with everything.
I have a group of friends that i’ve known since primary school. I am living with one of my so called friends now, and a girl who I work with, and yet my friend spends more time with the work girl and would rather talk to her than to me. I try to join in and they act as if I am bothering them. I try talking to them and they seem uninterested in whatever I have to say, and never come and talk to me. They constantly make plans without me, and never invite me. I feel like a ghost in my own house.
I’m a big believer in trusting your gut. If you believe you’re being disrespected, chances are you are.
If you want to continue to live there, I’d consider asking them to sit down with you and talk to them about how you feel.
Otherwise, I feel you’d be better off leaving and finding a new place to live.
Where you live should be your peaceful sanctuary, not a place you dread going home to.
We all deserve to feel valued and respected. If we’re not, for whatever reason, it’s time to seriously consider making a change.
So like my bestie who is really nice and kind to be, who always knows some little things about me, and I have two more besties (one of them is like my actual number 1 BFF who knows everything about me and who is literally like sister) so she gave my bff a gift and she hid it from me because she “assumed” I might feel sad, but tbh I don’t care about gifts because I believe in the power of how rigid the friendship is, so I felt sad she lied to me but then she apologized and I felt happy again.
So it was lunch break time, I normally do silly stupid things which in return makes all of us have an altogether fun time as we all laugh and don’t give a poop. But yesterday all of us were sitting on a bench and my bff was drinking water my bestie started like push the water on top of her which made all of us laugh. And for fun I did the same thing to my bestie who drank water and it spilled on her, like normally we spill water on ourselves and have fun but this time she got mad, and was like I took revenge and stuff like that which made me guilty and sad because tbh I did it for fun and not in a rude way. If it was ever gonna hurt her feeling then I would have not dared because I really do care about her.
My bff knew that my bestie was jealous that I couldn’t spend more time with her because all my other best friends are in one class where else I am in a different class. So I was confused, because I don’t understand what my bestie wants and what she wants me do, today in school she seemed so distant and away. Like I apologized a bazillion times and I still feel like a jerk and she doesn’t make any effort to talk to me as I have to be the one to try and talk to her and ask her stuff. I wish I could go back in time and spill water on my head! ???
HELPFUL!!!!!!
Thank you very much. You helped me a lot. And I hope life will be able to choose good friend.
Fake friends don’t actually ever seem to want to come to your arrangements and that’s the ultimate test for a real friend enjoys your company and so wants to come.