When I was younger, I often felt self-conscious and socially awkward. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to become a Behavioral Scientist was to be better socially.
If you often feel anxious and embarrassed, this guide is for you. It will give you the tools you need to be more relaxed in social settings, get out of your head and into the conversation.
This guide is for anyone who’s feeling overly self-aware, but examples are geared toward adults in work or at college.
Note: Sometimes, the underlying reason for self-consciousness is social anxiety. If this is the case for you, here’s our list of the best books on social anxiety.
Let’s get started!
1. Focus on someone or something
Self-consciousness comes from being overly concerned with how people see us. We worry that we won’t be seen as smart, attractive, or that others are judging us.
It can be exhausting, and with too little evidence to support the argument in either direction, we go straight to the most negative conclusion.
To get out of this pessimistic mindset, try shifting your attention to the people around you and your environment.
Focus not on what others think of you but on learning about the people you’re with. Make it a point to find out one thing about every person you meet. It could be their job, their major, or what they did on the weekend.
The objective is to get out of your head. Put that energy into the people around you rather than into feeding an inner dialogue that’s holding you back.
2. Question your inner critical voice
It’s easy to believe the negative voice inside our head is always right. But have you tried questioning it? You might find out that it has little to do with what’s real.
Check the evidence from your life:
Can you recall a time you did something that proves your inner critic wrong? For example, if your voice says, “I always mess up around people,” remind yourself of a time when you did just fine.
Ask yourself if what you are feeling is reasonable. Or, are you letting a perception you think others have of you, run the story in your head?
3. Know that people notice you less than you think
In an experiment, students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt.
By the end of the day, the students who wore the shirts estimated that 46% of the class had noticed. When polled, only 23% of their mates actually had.[1] In other words, their embarrassing t-shirt was only half as noticeable as they had thought.
What feels mortifying to us is usually having little to no impact on others. People are caught up in their own thoughts and struggles, too busy to worry about ours. The best thing we can do is remind ourselves that no one cares as much as we do, and even our own filter is not a perfect lens.
4. Know that it’s OK to say some stupid things
I remember talking to a girl I was crushing on when I was in high school. She was talking about how her brother liked a band, and like a crazy person, I said, “Ya, I know.” Like somehow, I knew what group her brother liked. My crush looked at me strangely but kept going.
Did it make any difference to my crush? Not really. At this point, I can laugh about it, but at the time it felt humiliating.
Try turning the tables on the situation. Would you care if someone blurted out something silly? Or would it just pass you by without giving it extra thought? It’s better to talk freely even if you say something stupid every once in a while. The alternative is to always guard yourself, and that can make you come off as stiff and aloof.
5. Don’t try to fight your feelings
Emotions tend to cling harder when we fight them and weaken when we accept them.[2]
When you are anxious, and feeling uncomfortable in a social setting, what are you thinking about? How does thinking about that make you feel? Happy, sad, nervous, jealous? What’s your body doing when you’re in your head and feeling awkward at a party? Are you sweating, jumpy, yawning a lot (a reaction to nerves)?
Simply accept how you feel rather than trying to change it.
Now focus outward. Talk to someone. Ask them how they’re doing. What brings them to this party/event? Do they know anyone? Then check your head. How do you feel when you’re talking to someone? Do you get any less nervous as the conversation goes on? If you were blushing, has it subsided yet?
Practice going back and forth between your inner thoughts and how you feel when you are talking to others. See if you feel better when you’re in your head, listening to your internal dialogue, or when you’re spending your energy on others.
6. Focus on your positive traits
This isn’t “think happy thoughts, and you’ll be fine.” Instead, you want to base your self-worth on your real, positive qualities rather than cynical and questionable self-talk. This is what we know is true:
- You have talents and abilities that give you fundamental value.
- This combination of characteristics makes you unique and memorable.
- You are worth spending time with and knowing.
Try to list your concrete skills like your mathematical ability, you’re a good writer, you’re multilingual, you’re a great cook. Then there are your personality traits. You’re kind, honest, genuine, funny, enthusiastic, etc.
Even if you can’t make a full list today, write one positive quality down every day and then review the list every week. When you have a comprehensive list, read it every day. You’re training your mind to focus on what you do well and to be able to access it quickly.
7. Make sure you’re reading the situation right
Negative experiences can teach us to be on guard and defend ourselves from criticism and hurt. This can affect how we perceive the world and the people we encounter.
Those of us who are overly self-conscious might believe the world will judge us harshly because that is what we’ve experienced. However, as I’ve pointed out, people don’t care that much about how we act or what we say. Every new person you meet thinks of you as a blank slate.
When you’re in a scary social situation, ask yourself, “Is there a chance my past experience is affecting how I’m seeing this interaction? Is there another, more realistic way I can approach his conversation?”
Believe people will be friendly, and most of the time, they will be. If not, it says more about them than you.
8. See yourself as a social observer
People watching is fascinating, and it shows us how our basic humanity makes us all messy, foolish, and funny. Go to the mall, grab a coffee/tea, and watch people walk with their friends. Listen in as they sit beside you and talk, or as they chase their kids down the hall.
Now notice their body language, their tone of voice, and eavesdrop on what they’re saying. What we’re doing is training you to switch your focus from yourself to others and to think objectively about what you’re witnessing.
Are people relaxed or stilted? Is their posture good, or are they slouching? When they talk, are they quiet, or does the volume go up and down with excitement? The more we see others being their imperfect selves, the more we’ll realize this is what ‘normal’ looks like.
Go into this observer mode when you walk into a room of strangers. It can help you be less self-conscious.
9. Assume that people will like you
This one is about the mechanics of being seen as confident rather than inhibited or self-conscious. When we feel uncomfortable, it can make us talk softer, hug our bodies with our arms, and speak faster to get the words out and move the focus off us as soon as possible. It can make us seem aloof, and even if we don’t intend to, it makes us less approachable.
Be confident and friendly right off the bat. Walk up to people with a warm smile and present yourself. If you’re uncertain about the details, look at how likable, confident people do it and learn from them. Assuming people will like you is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Assuming they won’t is, too.
10. Ask about others to take the focus off you
It’s easier to focus on someone else other than ourselves. When you meet someone for the first time, ask them what they do for fun. What are their hobbies, or do they have any pets? Listen carefully, nod, and give them signs that you are enjoying their story. Then add anything relevant that applies from your life. Things like your pets – what kind are they, their name, breed…or your hobbies. At the end of the day, you want to have a balance between learning about them and sharing about yourself.
The goal is to learn about someone else because it’s hard to be self-conscious when you’re focused on getting to know another’s interests and stories.
11. Make internal progress checks, not comparisons
Jealousy is a miserable emotion. It makes you feel small and worthless and sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like anger directed at someone else, but you are the one who feels crappy.
Avoid both overexaggerating someone else’s talents or trying to find flaws in them to make yourself feel better. No one is perfect, and tearing them down when you feel envious just retains the focus on you because you are still comparing yourself to someone else.
Here’s a thought: What if we were OK with the fact that someone is more accomplished than us? When we accept this, it helps us see ourselves differently.
Our value then has nothing to do with how successful we are or how good we are at something. We want to go from “I like myself because I’m good at…” to “I like myself.” (Period.) This makes our self-acceptance unconditional.
How do we accept that others are more accomplished than us and be OK with that? First, let that fact sink in, and allow all your emotions of envy and sadness to come to you. Accept those emotions rather than fight them. Now, you no longer need to fear them. Afterward, you will be less prone to comparisons.
Here’s another way to do it:
Instead of thinking, “Well, at least I’m better than them when it comes to X.” Say, “I’m not good at everything, which is OK because my value isn’t based on my achievements. I have value because I am 100% myself”.
Let’s talk more about how to be more self-accepting…
12. Practice accepting yourself
Self-acceptance is one of the biggest steps we take towards achieving self-confidence.
According to Aaron Karmin, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist in Chicago, Ill, a person “who accepts [themselves] unconditionally as a worthwhile human in spite of [their] faults and imperfections does not experience the stress of self-consciousness.”.[3]
Here are some things you can do to accept yourself:
- Decide how you are going to live your life. Will you let others define your personal image, your strengths, and your weaknesses? Try to move from blame, doubt, and shame to tolerance, acceptance, and trust.
- Make a list of all your good points.
- What do you do well?
- What are you proud of accomplishing?
- Whose lives have you made better?
- Connections you’ve made with others.
- Hardships you have overcome.
Review the list often, so you see your progress and acknowledge your gifts.
- Take an inventory of the people close to you.
- Are they good for you?
- Do they reinforce negative self-talk?
- Do they criticize or demean you?
Consider eliminating all the negative influences in your life.
- Surround yourself with a positive support group of people who celebrate you.
- Forgive yourself. If you made a mistake, realize you did your best with the information you had at the time, or you simply made a bad choice. But now you chose to move on and forgive yourself.
- Silence your inner critic. Just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t mean it’s right or 100% true. If you wouldn’t talk to someone else like you speak to yourself, why is it OK to do it to you? You’re human like everyone else. Treat yourself as well as you treat anyone else, if not better.
- Move on from your unrealized dreams. You can’t change the past. All you can do is move forward and continue to pursue your current goals.
- Help yourself see how you make others’ lives better. It’s harder to see yourself in a harsh light when you acknowledge all the good you do.
- Let it go – You can’t control everything. It’s not resignation. It’s a realization that your energy is better spent elsewhere instead of railing against the things you can’t change.
- Try to solve your problems one at a time. First, step outside your head where all the worry and self-doubt resides. Take a dispassionate look at what you need to do to move past each issue. You could even try imagining that the problems you’re facing are someone else’s (if that helps you get away from your internal thoughts). Ask yourself what advice you’d give them (yourself) to help?
- Practice Self-compassion – accept your flaws and love yourself anyway. Simple words, but for most of us, it takes years, if not a lifetime to master this step. The more you do it, the better you’ll get in every respect.
- Even though you may not have much experience being kind and compassionate with yourself, you will start to believe these good things you’re telling yourself. Especially if you keep this positive internal monologue up. In many instances, it took years to get to this place of insecurity. It will likely take weeks and months to see progress and make permanent changes to your mental habits.
13. Practice thinking about other’s needs
Try doing thoughtful things for others. Consider their struggles, worries, dreams or regrets. When you do, you take the focus off yourself and you’ll connect with them. This will help you be less self-conscious.[4] It will also show others that you are caring, and you value them. Done selflessly, it will bring good things back to you.
Here are some suggestions:
- Smiling at someone after you meet them. It could be a friend, family member, or acquaintance. Let the smile happen as you talk to them, so they know you are smiling just for them because it grows after you say, ‘Hi.’
- Hold a door for someone.
- Give a spontaneous compliment.
- Bring a friend or co-worker cookies or a pre-made dinner if they are sick or need a pick-me-up.
- Pay it forward. Pay for the coffee or drive-thru meal of the people behind you.
- Keep your area tidy and organized if you work in an open-concept office.
- Send cards for different occasions or for no occasion at all.
- Give someone 100% of your attention and note what they say so you can follow up later. (Ask them how ‘it’ went. Make sure they are OK afterward.)
- Consciously spend a few minutes every day thinking of the things you are grateful for.
A word of caution: Do not do these things to gain others’ approval. That puts the focus back on you. Do it out of sincere consideration for others. The purpose of the exercise is to focus on others and their well-being. When you do, you’ll become more compassionate and less self-conscious.
14. Consider talking to a Therapist
If your self-consciousness is inhibiting you or is a result of social anxiety, a therapist can be helpful. Having social anxiety is more common than we think, and deciding to understand and address the effect it has on your life is brave. A Psychologist or a Therapist will help you talk through your feelings, find out where they originate from, and give you the tools to unpack them and move forward.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
(To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)
You can also try contacting your insurance company or doctor for recommendations.
I’m afraid people will think I’m awkward in conversations or that they can see how nervous I am.
I usually pretend that I don’t see people I know to not greet them, I don’t wanna see them ignoring me (cuz many previous times I hadn’t greeted them so they probably don’t like me and won’t forgive me for that and will try to do the same… Though they didn’t greet me first before too I think because I didn’t make eye contact, it’s all my fault always) anyway i feel they are not interested in me anyway though I think they see me rude that way, I don’t wanna talk to people or meet new ones I always think like what would make people like to know me? If happened what would make them try to talk to me again? I feel that they’ll see me boring and have no much thing to say cuz i feel really don’t know much about life i only focus on some deeper things no one cares about, and I feel like they will really notice my low self-confidence and decide to not respect me, another thing, if you didn’t show me that you accept and like me first I just can’t be my real good person, but when you do that i feel comfortable and then start the second level of being afraid to annoy you and feel more talkative than i should be and you’ll try to escape a way or ignore me and I’ll no longer be likable by you, then I’ll hate myself and try not to interact too much with people
I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing and offend or upset someone by mistake. I’m then analyzing everything I say which inevitably trips me up and then I blush, like really blush. I’ve got to the point that I just blush so easily now, anytime I’m talking in a group, I can feel it happening, and knowing others can see it makes it worse and worse. It’s got worse over the years and now I’m stuck in a cycle.
I worry I come across as too serious, this boring. There weren’t a lot of laughs in my family growing up. I wish I was more humorous & quick with comebacks. Those people always seem to have many friends.
One of my biggest weaknesses is being fearful of people judging me as awkward, odd, or strange. This would lead me to be self-conscious, untrustworthy of people including myself, and serious.
Some people and I’m one of them, find awkward and odd people more interesting. As long as you weren’t sending out creepy vibes I’d talk to you over someone who is overly charming any day.
Am worried about my poor English 😭 and boring communication
I feel like people judge me by my cover and conclude that I am probably not smart. Due to meeting some of society’s standards of beauty, I find the need to use bombastic words in my speech to seem overly smart and unique. This is draining because I feel the need to keep that facade throughout my social relationships.
I’m worried about being rejected for my height. I am a very short guy(5’3) and it makes me super self conscious and makes it way harder to be more confident with myself. I’ve struggled with it my whole life. I’ve even had girls shorter than me reject me for it as crazy as that sounds
I feel people will judge me cos I’m slow in understanding
I’m scared about how others may perceive my walking style and dressing.. sometimes I just feel that am worrying too much
I am scared of being judged because of my English at school. I’m not an English speaker.
I am afraid of saying stupid things
My biggest social fear would probably be that I get really scared when talking to other people and it just makes me more anxious the longer I talk with them.
I’m really lucky for stumbling upon socialself though, I’m still working on it but it’s getting better every day.
I also sometimes struggle with that. I even resort to cutting conversations short which comes off as being rude and antisocial.
My biggest social fear is that I am overly annoying. I don’t know how to hold a conversation, and my family always tells me to be less annoying, so whenever I try to talk to someone, I panic and think I am being overly annoying. I try to be less annoying by letting people kind of mold me, so that I can fit in better.
Hi, I am afraid and lose my confidence when I see others, especially prolific people notice me I am totally blank on how to do what to do and how I can get myself from this situation, at last, I am confused enough to realize that I am here. But now I overcome this fear 40% I want to eradicate this type of confusion and doubts and thinking of not being special 100%
I am afraid of being judged for being awkward, having long pauses in conversations, and having weird eye contact. I am also worried that people will see my flaws, that they will think I am selfish or uncaring as a person. That people perhaps will know about past mistakes.
Hey Kim! You’re not the only one having those feelings.
For me, I found focusing most of the attention on whoever you’re interacting with instead of yourself to be very helpful to deal with social anxiety. As someone who has to deal with a lot of negative thoughts, I try to think of positive memories or scenarios to keep me emotionally motivated. Hope this helps!
Hey, I liked your tip! I usually tend to focus on myself (most of my life, in everything), how do I look what they think about me what i want what would bother me, I don’t really try to know the other person or make a connection I only focus on the process and making it end in a good way and not looking awkward, though I’m introvert and not really interested in knowing others at usual it’ll be very helpful and less stressful if I try that and might make me more interested in people, I’ve never thought about it before really thanks
I’m afraid people will think I’m rude. I often ignore people when they unexpectedly say hi to me because the panic makes my mind go blank. I find it hard to talk to people because I have nothing to say. I worry people will take this as me making a choice to be rude to them because I don’t want to talk to them.
I am afraid of being seen as freaking out because that’s honestly what I’m doing. Freaking out. Then I see a micro expression. Spotted for enough time to think. Are they judging me? What. What do I do? Freak out more. See another micro expression. Read into it. The cycle repeats.
Suppose I’m afraid to talk around people whom I like. You know when I fall in love with someone or I see a person so intriguing to talk with, I lose my motivation to go and start a conversation with them. I’m not acceptable to them in my own mind. Also, I hate being around people whose opinions seem weird to me, especially my family and relatives. Unfortunately, my parents are so conservative and I have spent my time with people whom I don’t like at all and I hate them somehow. When I was a teenager, I wasn’t actually confident. Now, all I want is freedom at least from my parents. If they let me live, I will eventually find my own and then the best way to do the things.
I avoid talking to people altogether because I am afraid they will see how socially inept I am when I start to panic. I’m so worried about not being good enough, being judged and making a fool of myself. I’ve rewritten this post 3 times because I was worried it wasn’t good enough 😣
I’m afraid of saying something I’ll regret. It’s happened so many times I just don’t like talking anymore. Almost always I say the wrong thing and I get nasty looks or just looks in general.
Um…everything! Literally.
I’m afraid of being judged by the way I look, which includes everything from what I’m wearing, if it’s wrinkled, what style my outfit is, if it smells clean, if it’s stained, etc.
And then how clean my hair and face are, if I smell bad, if there’s food on my face, if I have particularly bad acne I become hyperaware of this if my facial expression is weird (I swear my face does its own thing and doesn’t even match what’s going on in my head), what my body language is saying to other people, all that and more.
I’m afraid of being judged by my tone of voice, what I say, how I respond to certain questions, what questions I ask others, the jokes I make, and then everything about my personality: am I interesting enough? Funny? Fun?
Not to mention the ultimate question: is this person enjoying my company or are they talking to me out of pity/moral obligation?
Sometimes someone will be interested in talking to me, but l will be so uncomfortable thinking about what the others will say if l start talking to that person.
I’m so afraid of people that they would judge me how I walk I forget proper walk being nervous of being judged by others I’ve such social anxiety
When I’m around people, I fear what they will think if I say something that does not sound right to them. I’m also an overthinker and often find myself getting anxious a lot. Sometimes I feel as if others don’t think that I’m good enough and that I’m not capable of thinking for myself and speaking up for myself.
Hi Tunisia,l am also like you you know. I am always in my head,l overthink even the smallest of things.l am afraid that if l say something then they will judge me or ignore me. What is more painful is that those same people you are keeping quiet for will ask you why you are quiet.
When people would look at me I would always think they were judging me on my weight. However, that one kid that would stare at me one day came up to me and told me I was gorgeous.
When someone’s talking to me I can’t concentrate on what they are saying as I’m too busy worrying about what my reply going to be.
When I am in a group setting and I try to give some input……..no one listens to me. It’s like I am invisible. Do I need to shout? Do they just not care what I have to say? Why do I even bother? This has happened to me for decades. It started in grammar school. I always felt invisible. I hated recess.
My issue is my nervousness caused me to talk too much. I interrupt (unintentionally) others. I’ve gotten so much better by being more aware and really listening to others. I think, I push people away because I come on too strong or overcompensate by appearing very confident (mask).
Good to read this Sally, you’re not alone ! I could’ve written the exact entire statement
Thanks, Phil. It’s good not to feel alone. We do need to allow ourselves grace, we are all human and so are the ones we meet.
One thing I do that probably sets people back. I’m very transparent, I don’t tell all about myself, timing is everything. I’m not going to lie or pretend to be someone I’m not. Most are not used to being around real people and I don’t think they can identify with it. If that makes sense.
Thanks for the invitation to share. I have read the comments and I certainly am not alone!
My biggest fear in connecting with others is rejection; if I share who I really am, and they don’t like me, well, then I have nothing else to offer.
What has helped is
1. Turn the focus outward, learn about them, and set them at ease (gets me out of my head, gives me a job to do, and I learn something).
2. I generally experience MORE acceptance when I am real and human, rather then performing.
3. I feel more connection when we are not talking about superficial things and it is more rewarding.
4. Not everyone is going to like me and that doesn’t have to define me. I don’t click with everyone either and that is normal. Seek those you can connect with.
I like your reply and great suggestions.