When I was younger, I often felt self-conscious and socially awkward. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to become a Behavioral Scientist was to be better socially.
If you often feel anxious and embarrassed, this guide is for you. It will give you the tools you need to be more relaxed in social settings, get out of your head and into the conversation.
This guide is for anyone who’s feeling overly self-aware, but examples are geared toward adults in work or at college.
Note: Sometimes, the underlying reason for self-consciousness is social anxiety. If this is the case for you, here’s our list of the best books on social anxiety.
Let’s get started!
1. Focus on someone or something
Self-consciousness comes from being overly concerned with how people see us. We worry that we won’t be seen as smart, attractive, or that others are judging us.
It can be exhausting, and with too little evidence to support the argument in either direction, we go straight to the most negative conclusion.
To get out of this pessimistic mindset, try shifting your attention to the people around you and your environment.
Focus not on what others think of you but on learning about the people you’re with. Make it a point to find out one thing about every person you meet. It could be their job, their major, or what they did on the weekend.
The objective is to get out of your head. Put that energy into the people around you rather than into feeding an inner dialogue that’s holding you back.
2. Question your inner critical voice
It’s easy to believe the negative voice inside our head is always right. But have you tried questioning it? You might find out that it has little to do with what’s real.
Check the evidence from your life:
Can you recall a time you did something that proves your inner critic wrong? For example, if your voice says, “I always mess up around people,” remind yourself of a time when you did just fine.
Ask yourself if what you are feeling is reasonable. Or, are you letting a perception you think others have of you, run the story in your head?
3. Know that people notice you less than you think
In an experiment, students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt.
By the end of the day, the students who wore the shirts estimated that 46% of the class had noticed. When polled, only 23% of their mates actually had.[1] In other words, their embarrassing t-shirt was only half as noticeable as they had thought.
What feels mortifying to us is usually having little to no impact on others. People are caught up in their own thoughts and struggles, too busy to worry about ours. The best thing we can do is remind ourselves that no one cares as much as we do, and even our own filter is not a perfect lens.
4. Know that it’s OK to say some stupid things
I remember talking to a girl I was crushing on when I was in high school. She was talking about how her brother liked a band, and like a crazy person, I said, “Ya, I know.” Like somehow, I knew what group her brother liked. My crush looked at me strangely but kept going.
Did it make any difference to my crush? Not really. At this point, I can laugh about it, but at the time it felt humiliating.
Try turning the tables on the situation. Would you care if someone blurted out something silly? Or would it just pass you by without giving it extra thought? It’s better to talk freely even if you say something stupid every once in a while. The alternative is to always guard yourself, and that can make you come off as stiff and aloof.
5. Don’t try to fight your feelings
Emotions tend to cling harder when we fight them and weaken when we accept them.[2]
When you are anxious, and feeling uncomfortable in a social setting, what are you thinking about? How does thinking about that make you feel? Happy, sad, nervous, jealous? What’s your body doing when you’re in your head and feeling awkward at a party? Are you sweating, jumpy, yawning a lot (a reaction to nerves)?
Simply accept how you feel rather than trying to change it.
Now focus outward. Talk to someone. Ask them how they’re doing. What brings them to this party/event? Do they know anyone? Then check your head. How do you feel when you’re talking to someone? Do you get any less nervous as the conversation goes on? If you were blushing, has it subsided yet?
Practice going back and forth between your inner thoughts and how you feel when you are talking to others. See if you feel better when you’re in your head, listening to your internal dialogue, or when you’re spending your energy on others.
6. Focus on your positive traits
This isn’t “think happy thoughts, and you’ll be fine.” Instead, you want to base your self-worth on your real, positive qualities rather than cynical and questionable self-talk. This is what we know is true:
- You have talents and abilities that give you fundamental value.
- This combination of characteristics makes you unique and memorable.
- You are worth spending time with and knowing.
Try to list your concrete skills like your mathematical ability, you’re a good writer, you’re multilingual, you’re a great cook. Then there are your personality traits. You’re kind, honest, genuine, funny, enthusiastic, etc.
Even if you can’t make a full list today, write one positive quality down every day and then review the list every week. When you have a comprehensive list, read it every day. You’re training your mind to focus on what you do well and to be able to access it quickly.
7. Make sure you’re reading the situation right
Negative experiences can teach us to be on guard and defend ourselves from criticism and hurt. This can affect how we perceive the world and the people we encounter.
Those of us who are overly self-conscious might believe the world will judge us harshly because that is what we’ve experienced. However, as I’ve pointed out, people don’t care that much about how we act or what we say. Every new person you meet thinks of you as a blank slate.
When you’re in a scary social situation, ask yourself, “Is there a chance my past experience is affecting how I’m seeing this interaction? Is there another, more realistic way I can approach his conversation?”
Believe people will be friendly, and most of the time, they will be. If not, it says more about them than you.
8. See yourself as a social observer
People watching is fascinating, and it shows us how our basic humanity makes us all messy, foolish, and funny. Go to the mall, grab a coffee/tea, and watch people walk with their friends. Listen in as they sit beside you and talk, or as they chase their kids down the hall.
Now notice their body language, their tone of voice, and eavesdrop on what they’re saying. What we’re doing is training you to switch your focus from yourself to others and to think objectively about what you’re witnessing.
Are people relaxed or stilted? Is their posture good, or are they slouching? When they talk, are they quiet, or does the volume go up and down with excitement? The more we see others being their imperfect selves, the more we’ll realize this is what ‘normal’ looks like.
Go into this observer mode when you walk into a room of strangers. It can help you be less self-conscious.
9. Assume that people will like you
This one is about the mechanics of being seen as confident rather than inhibited or self-conscious. When we feel uncomfortable, it can make us talk softer, hug our bodies with our arms, and speak faster to get the words out and move the focus off us as soon as possible. It can make us seem aloof, and even if we don’t intend to, it makes us less approachable.
Be confident and friendly right off the bat. Walk up to people with a warm smile and present yourself. If you’re uncertain about the details, look at how likable, confident people do it and learn from them. Assuming people will like you is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Assuming they won’t is, too.
10. Ask about others to take the focus off you
It’s easier to focus on someone else other than ourselves. When you meet someone for the first time, ask them what they do for fun. What are their hobbies, or do they have any pets? Listen carefully, nod, and give them signs that you are enjoying their story. Then add anything relevant that applies from your life. Things like your pets – what kind are they, their name, breed…or your hobbies. At the end of the day, you want to have a balance between learning about them and sharing about yourself.
The goal is to learn about someone else because it’s hard to be self-conscious when you’re focused on getting to know another’s interests and stories.
11. Make internal progress checks, not comparisons
Jealousy is a miserable emotion. It makes you feel small and worthless and sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like anger directed at someone else, but you are the one who feels crappy.
Avoid both overexaggerating someone else’s talents or trying to find flaws in them to make yourself feel better. No one is perfect, and tearing them down when you feel envious just retains the focus on you because you are still comparing yourself to someone else.
Here’s a thought: What if we were OK with the fact that someone is more accomplished than us? When we accept this, it helps us see ourselves differently.
Our value then has nothing to do with how successful we are or how good we are at something. We want to go from “I like myself because I’m good at…” to “I like myself.” (Period.) This makes our self-acceptance unconditional.
How do we accept that others are more accomplished than us and be OK with that? First, let that fact sink in, and allow all your emotions of envy and sadness to come to you. Accept those emotions rather than fight them. Now, you no longer need to fear them. Afterward, you will be less prone to comparisons.
Here’s another way to do it:
Instead of thinking, “Well, at least I’m better than them when it comes to X.” Say, “I’m not good at everything, which is OK because my value isn’t based on my achievements. I have value because I am 100% myself”.
Let’s talk more about how to be more self-accepting…
12. Practice accepting yourself
Self-acceptance is one of the biggest steps we take towards achieving self-confidence.
According to Aaron Karmin, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist in Chicago, Ill, a person “who accepts [themselves] unconditionally as a worthwhile human in spite of [their] faults and imperfections does not experience the stress of self-consciousness.”.[3]
Here are some things you can do to accept yourself:
- Decide how you are going to live your life. Will you let others define your personal image, your strengths, and your weaknesses? Try to move from blame, doubt, and shame to tolerance, acceptance, and trust.
- Make a list of all your good points.
- What do you do well?
- What are you proud of accomplishing?
- Whose lives have you made better?
- Connections you’ve made with others.
- Hardships you have overcome.
Review the list often, so you see your progress and acknowledge your gifts.
- Take an inventory of the people close to you.
- Are they good for you?
- Do they reinforce negative self-talk?
- Do they criticize or demean you?
Consider eliminating all the negative influences in your life.
- Surround yourself with a positive support group of people who celebrate you.
- Forgive yourself. If you made a mistake, realize you did your best with the information you had at the time, or you simply made a bad choice. But now you chose to move on and forgive yourself.
- Silence your inner critic. Just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t mean it’s right or 100% true. If you wouldn’t talk to someone else like you speak to yourself, why is it OK to do it to you? You’re human like everyone else. Treat yourself as well as you treat anyone else, if not better.
- Move on from your unrealized dreams. You can’t change the past. All you can do is move forward and continue to pursue your current goals.
- Help yourself see how you make others’ lives better. It’s harder to see yourself in a harsh light when you acknowledge all the good you do.
- Let it go – You can’t control everything. It’s not resignation. It’s a realization that your energy is better spent elsewhere instead of railing against the things you can’t change.
- Try to solve your problems one at a time. First, step outside your head where all the worry and self-doubt resides. Take a dispassionate look at what you need to do to move past each issue. You could even try imagining that the problems you’re facing are someone else’s (if that helps you get away from your internal thoughts). Ask yourself what advice you’d give them (yourself) to help?
- Practice Self-compassion – accept your flaws and love yourself anyway. Simple words, but for most of us, it takes years, if not a lifetime to master this step. The more you do it, the better you’ll get in every respect.
- Even though you may not have much experience being kind and compassionate with yourself, you will start to believe these good things you’re telling yourself. Especially if you keep this positive internal monologue up. In many instances, it took years to get to this place of insecurity. It will likely take weeks and months to see progress and make permanent changes to your mental habits.
13. Practice thinking about other’s needs
Try doing thoughtful things for others. Consider their struggles, worries, dreams or regrets. When you do, you take the focus off yourself and you’ll connect with them. This will help you be less self-conscious.[4] It will also show others that you are caring, and you value them. Done selflessly, it will bring good things back to you.
Here are some suggestions:
- Smiling at someone after you meet them. It could be a friend, family member, or acquaintance. Let the smile happen as you talk to them, so they know you are smiling just for them because it grows after you say, ‘Hi.’
- Hold a door for someone.
- Give a spontaneous compliment.
- Bring a friend or co-worker cookies or a pre-made dinner if they are sick or need a pick-me-up.
- Pay it forward. Pay for the coffee or drive-thru meal of the people behind you.
- Keep your area tidy and organized if you work in an open-concept office.
- Send cards for different occasions or for no occasion at all.
- Give someone 100% of your attention and note what they say so you can follow up later. (Ask them how ‘it’ went. Make sure they are OK afterward.)
- Consciously spend a few minutes every day thinking of the things you are grateful for.
A word of caution: Do not do these things to gain others’ approval. That puts the focus back on you. Do it out of sincere consideration for others. The purpose of the exercise is to focus on others and their well-being. When you do, you’ll become more compassionate and less self-conscious.
14. Consider talking to a Therapist
If your self-consciousness is inhibiting you or is a result of social anxiety, a therapist can be helpful. Having social anxiety is more common than we think, and deciding to understand and address the effect it has on your life is brave. A Psychologist or a Therapist will help you talk through your feelings, find out where they originate from, and give you the tools to unpack them and move forward.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
(To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)
You can also try contacting your insurance company or doctor for recommendations.
When I walk alone and see a group of people my heartbeat starts to increase and my hands start to sweat. Due to this, I have started to get far from all my friends and to be honest I am not liking it.
When I talk to people I picture myself looking all awkward and nervous so I keep conversations short.
I become really conscious of my eye contact, whether it’s too much or too little and fear people judge me as being weird
I’m with you on that one ????
I am in my 60’s and all my life I have felt not good enough and when I say something that I have made a fool of myself or said the wrong thing and people are judging me.
I’m also in my 60’s. [I have another post on my experience]. It affected me in life such that I didn’t get married until late in life, and had my only child when 50 – although that was a fantastic experience and still is. I did get some help, and that worked but just in public speaking only. It also affected me at work with internal work meetings somewhat difficult. I’m retired now and want to break out to be with others – but still find it so very difficult, and even more difficult without city on Covid lockdown so stuck at home perhaps for months.
I know exactly what you are saying. I also sometimes think about wanting to have company and friends and have even researched friendship websites however that’s as far as I go. My daughter’s company when she is not working is enough for me.
sometimes when i walk in the school hallways i feel like i have to walk a certain way to not look odd, and then I feel like that makes me look even worse.
plus I’m at a new school rn and I haven’t made any friends in these past 3 months, idk maybe ill make some next semester but i just don’t know where to start I’ve been the new girl so many times. It was easier in elementary when you could just like the same color and then boom best friends for life right there
I feel like if I say anything, anything at all that might make me seem dumb or wimpy, even a “hi” that’s too quiet to hear, people are going to hate me.
I never really fit in. When I was around 15, the Disney movie “Frozen” came out. Everyone was talking about it and how much they loved it, and I was sitting over here thinking about how dumb it was. When I told people I didn’t like it, they gave me that look which made me feel like an alien, the same look people gave me when they found out I had never been to a school, or when they saw that I was obsessed with art and grammar, or that I’d loved LotR as a three-year-old, or when I accidentally mentioned wanting to move to Iceland and when they asked why I had to respond with “because there are elves there.”
None of those things have changed over the years, and I am very ashamed of it whenever I talk to people.
The only person I knew who actually understood me was a sixty-year-old D&D player. Who I talked to once.
Everyone else I have met thinks I’m childish.
When I go outside I always feel like people starring at me. By the way I be right.
I am anxious about how the way I talk, if i have sense whenever i am talking.
I am anxious about how the way I talk, if i have sense whenever i am talking.
I’m afraid of being judged for my lack of openness with new people.
I was/am like that, but I’ve changed my way of thinking in that not everybody is the same, and some are just less open and some very open. Actually, my experience found that closed people were more cautious but much more interesting deeper smarter people. It’s OK. Other than that experience helps. In social interactions – tell yourself – nobody can hurt you – and you can say whatever you like – take the focus off yourself. There is good advice herein also. Let me know how it goes. Be brave.
I get anxious about not not being streetwise enough, naive, or not cool and think I am perceived as boring as I am not loud and don’t enjoy boisterous gatherings of people
I am judged for my appearance. I know his. I have heard the comments all my life. When I speak people usually disagree and pull it apart, or make me out to be stupid.
My problem is I overcompensate for my anxiety by talking too much. I’m terrified of awkward silences so I’ll just keep babbling on and on, often accidentally offending by trying to make a light-hearted comment that ends up coming across as offensive or tactless. It’s hard for people to believe I lack confidence because this constant blabbing gives the opposite impression. I really just feel like the person that ends up on the outside of social circles or frozen out altogether. I genuinely have good intentions and care about other people. I’ve been told this is all in my head. I don’t know what to believe about how I’m perceived.
People judge me for less than I think. It doesn’t matter. It’s like living with an animal in your head that won’t listen to reason. Another pair of eyes or ears are all it needs, then it starts flipping switches. Breathing can help sometimes, but not always. The worst is becoming hyperaware of things like gait or posture or body language because it contributes even less than overthinking about other things.
I feel like people judge me for literally everything the way I walk to the way I talk and the way I dress I just feel like everywhere I go I’m getting judge on my looks and just everything
I feel exactly the same way.
When I am around certain people I feel they are above me intelligently I don’t know how to communicate well
I don’t know how to naturally jump into a conversation where multiple people are talking. When I do jump in I get nervous when all eyes are on me. Then I forget my point and go blank. My nerves get the better of me. The strange thing is I don’t have stage fright and I feel comfortable talking to several hundred people just fine. When it comes to one on one I’m just okay- not for long periods of time because I often run out of things to say. I know I need practice asking people questions to get them talking more. I think I’ve been too self-absorbed in my nervous thoughts to pay closer attention to them. I want to be one of those people that remember details about others so that when I see them again I can ask about how they’ve been in a more personable way.
When I am with people my head usually goes blank. I make things in my head before and after the conversation. I fear saying boring things and fear that people will judge me on my every word. It’s a vicious cycle. I m so tired. And this thing lately has been tampering with my learning ability too. I don’t like it. :/ I wanna feel okay.
My problem is that whenever in a gathering i forgot who i am and how i normally talk to people. I usually become a fake person and totally forgot how i normally act. Some people notice sometimes how fake i act around people ????????
What makes me nervous and self-conscious is the thought of other people judging me on my clothes and my looks, I also think that people think I’m dumb.
Another thing that makes me a little nervous and kinda annoyed about, is that I think a lot of men just want to talk to me because they want a one night stand and that they don’t care about getting to know me as a person, they’re just interested in my body and looks.
I’m scared about being judged for my awkwardness. When I talk to new people, I often run out of things to talk about quite fast making the environment awkward for me and the other person. I also get this thought in my head saying “what if they don’t have time to talk to you right now” or “what if they just want to be left alone” or “what if they already find you annoying because of how you look” or “what if they’re one of those naturally rude people who think they’re better than everyone”
My fear is to be judged for my emotions. People want to walk around like robots. I am not that anymore. I am human. I express myself every time. No matter how long it takes.
My past is hunting me terribly. It gives me guilt and shame and it’s like everyone is seeing that in me, so I feel judged by everyone.
Hi Patricia, I have the same problem – I don’t know why. I’ve been told not to look back at the past and live in the present – and that helps. However, I slip back at times – and my memory is so clear – and keep going over and over past situations. If you find out anything that helps – please let me know. Regards
Yes, I have the same issue, although my past must be different. I’m conflicted with this every day, so thinking of a way to overcome this. I’m trying and it’s hard. Recently I was told – never to look back. This is important to do, to make a new start. It’s difficult to do. The next thing is to live in the present but to keep in mind that goals that you have. To keep your coals to yourself as much as possible. That way your focus is on your personal goals, and like this program says – and also the world and people around you rather than your personal self. Hope that helps – and let me know how it goes, please.
Yes, I have the same issue, although my past must be different. I’m conflicted with this every day, so thinking of a way to overcome this. I’m trying and it’s hard. Recently I was told – never to look back. This is important to do, to make a new start. It’s difficult to do. The next thing is to live in the present but to keep in mind the goals that you have. To keep your coals to yourself as much as possible. That way your focus is on your personal goals, and like this program says – and also the world and people around you rather than your personal self. Hope that helps – and let me know how it goes, please.
Kari 9/20/21
I fear saying boring things and people not being interested in what I say. I also fear not looking smart enough, due to my history of having a learning disability and not being understood for my hypersensitivity to certain auditory stimulation.
Hello Kari
I suffer from a learning disability too and I get where you are getting from completely. Know that you are not alone and that you will find people that will make you feel comfortable and accepted, you are strong! you can do it! 🙂
I am a preservice teacher and I feel nervous in all of my presentations and especially in the school experience course. I feel like I am not very professional in my profession and they will find my weaknesses and judge me.
When I am around people my head just goes blank, I start overthinking and I end up saying nothing. Then am left asking myself what is wrong with me.
It happens to me too. I think too much before saying anything and when I attempt to, surprise surprise the subject has already changed. Then they tell me you never talk 🙁
Hi David and Lily, this is so relatable. I have this issue but mostly with pretty girls though. I think of what to say, then think of what I thought to say and what they might say back to plan on what to say back and the spiral goes on. I find myself playing the whole conversation in my head instead of talking to the other person and before long, that opportunity is gone. It’s a nasty habit and that’s partly why am here, you know “to get out of my head”.
I’m nervous about everyone hating me. I’m worried people will find out I struggle and despise me. And I’m afraid that once several people despise me, eventually everyone will. All for being myself. Now I’m walking around acting differently than I’d like to because I’d prefer for everyone to hate someone else than hate me.
When I changed my school to 9th standard, the crowd, students, those eyes forced me to lower my gaze and to watch my steps only until I reach the seat. I was too nervous and afraid to talk to anyone. And this happens to me still now, whenever there is a shift from being normal or from my comfort zone. That hampers the opportunity for growth and development of my personality. Kindly guide me..
This is not something that will go easily. either you overcome it with time and experience or just live with it like I have been for the past 25 years and waiting for the last time when it will all be over.
When I am walking alone in public I get anxious about if people are judging me. I also get anxious about how others view my physical appearance. Another one is I get anxious about death.
When I’m in a group of people I get anxiety really bad and I wonder if I’m being judged for how I look how I’m standing or sitting just really crazy thoughts.
It is not rare to get anxiety about your physical appearance, I have the same problem. What I try to do is to think about the good features I have and to get more comfortable with the features I feel anxious about. Also if relevant and if it works for you, you you could use physical activity to get your physical appearance closer to where you want to be.
You’re not alone