When I was younger, I often felt self-conscious and socially awkward. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to become a Behavioral Scientist was to be better socially.
If you often feel anxious and embarrassed, this guide is for you. It will give you the tools you need to be more relaxed in social settings, get out of your head and into the conversation.
This guide is for anyone who’s feeling overly self-aware, but examples are geared toward adults in work or at college.
Note: Sometimes, the underlying reason for self-consciousness is social anxiety. If this is the case for you, here’s our list of the best books on social anxiety.
Let’s get started!
1. Focus on someone or something
Self-consciousness comes from being overly concerned with how people see us. We worry that we won’t be seen as smart, attractive, or that others are judging us.
It can be exhausting, and with too little evidence to support the argument in either direction, we go straight to the most negative conclusion.
To get out of this pessimistic mindset, try shifting your attention to the people around you and your environment.
Focus not on what others think of you but on learning about the people you’re with. Make it a point to find out one thing about every person you meet. It could be their job, their major, or what they did on the weekend.
The objective is to get out of your head. Put that energy into the people around you rather than into feeding an inner dialogue that’s holding you back.
2. Question your inner critical voice
It’s easy to believe the negative voice inside our head is always right. But have you tried questioning it? You might find out that it has little to do with what’s real.
Check the evidence from your life:
Can you recall a time you did something that proves your inner critic wrong? For example, if your voice says, “I always mess up around people,” remind yourself of a time when you did just fine.
Ask yourself if what you are feeling is reasonable. Or, are you letting a perception you think others have of you, run the story in your head?
3. Know that people notice you less than you think
In an experiment, students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt.
By the end of the day, the students who wore the shirts estimated that 46% of the class had noticed. When polled, only 23% of their mates actually had.[1] In other words, their embarrassing t-shirt was only half as noticeable as they had thought.
What feels mortifying to us is usually having little to no impact on others. People are caught up in their own thoughts and struggles, too busy to worry about ours. The best thing we can do is remind ourselves that no one cares as much as we do, and even our own filter is not a perfect lens.
4. Know that it’s OK to say some stupid things
I remember talking to a girl I was crushing on when I was in high school. She was talking about how her brother liked a band, and like a crazy person, I said, “Ya, I know.” Like somehow, I knew what group her brother liked. My crush looked at me strangely but kept going.
Did it make any difference to my crush? Not really. At this point, I can laugh about it, but at the time it felt humiliating.
Try turning the tables on the situation. Would you care if someone blurted out something silly? Or would it just pass you by without giving it extra thought? It’s better to talk freely even if you say something stupid every once in a while. The alternative is to always guard yourself, and that can make you come off as stiff and aloof.
5. Don’t try to fight your feelings
Emotions tend to cling harder when we fight them and weaken when we accept them.[2]
When you are anxious, and feeling uncomfortable in a social setting, what are you thinking about? How does thinking about that make you feel? Happy, sad, nervous, jealous? What’s your body doing when you’re in your head and feeling awkward at a party? Are you sweating, jumpy, yawning a lot (a reaction to nerves)?
Simply accept how you feel rather than trying to change it.
Now focus outward. Talk to someone. Ask them how they’re doing. What brings them to this party/event? Do they know anyone? Then check your head. How do you feel when you’re talking to someone? Do you get any less nervous as the conversation goes on? If you were blushing, has it subsided yet?
Practice going back and forth between your inner thoughts and how you feel when you are talking to others. See if you feel better when you’re in your head, listening to your internal dialogue, or when you’re spending your energy on others.
6. Focus on your positive traits
This isn’t “think happy thoughts, and you’ll be fine.” Instead, you want to base your self-worth on your real, positive qualities rather than cynical and questionable self-talk. This is what we know is true:
- You have talents and abilities that give you fundamental value.
- This combination of characteristics makes you unique and memorable.
- You are worth spending time with and knowing.
Try to list your concrete skills like your mathematical ability, you’re a good writer, you’re multilingual, you’re a great cook. Then there are your personality traits. You’re kind, honest, genuine, funny, enthusiastic, etc.
Even if you can’t make a full list today, write one positive quality down every day and then review the list every week. When you have a comprehensive list, read it every day. You’re training your mind to focus on what you do well and to be able to access it quickly.
7. Make sure you’re reading the situation right
Negative experiences can teach us to be on guard and defend ourselves from criticism and hurt. This can affect how we perceive the world and the people we encounter.
Those of us who are overly self-conscious might believe the world will judge us harshly because that is what we’ve experienced. However, as I’ve pointed out, people don’t care that much about how we act or what we say. Every new person you meet thinks of you as a blank slate.
When you’re in a scary social situation, ask yourself, “Is there a chance my past experience is affecting how I’m seeing this interaction? Is there another, more realistic way I can approach his conversation?”
Believe people will be friendly, and most of the time, they will be. If not, it says more about them than you.
8. See yourself as a social observer
People watching is fascinating, and it shows us how our basic humanity makes us all messy, foolish, and funny. Go to the mall, grab a coffee/tea, and watch people walk with their friends. Listen in as they sit beside you and talk, or as they chase their kids down the hall.
Now notice their body language, their tone of voice, and eavesdrop on what they’re saying. What we’re doing is training you to switch your focus from yourself to others and to think objectively about what you’re witnessing.
Are people relaxed or stilted? Is their posture good, or are they slouching? When they talk, are they quiet, or does the volume go up and down with excitement? The more we see others being their imperfect selves, the more we’ll realize this is what ‘normal’ looks like.
Go into this observer mode when you walk into a room of strangers. It can help you be less self-conscious.
9. Assume that people will like you
This one is about the mechanics of being seen as confident rather than inhibited or self-conscious. When we feel uncomfortable, it can make us talk softer, hug our bodies with our arms, and speak faster to get the words out and move the focus off us as soon as possible. It can make us seem aloof, and even if we don’t intend to, it makes us less approachable.
Be confident and friendly right off the bat. Walk up to people with a warm smile and present yourself. If you’re uncertain about the details, look at how likable, confident people do it and learn from them. Assuming people will like you is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Assuming they won’t is, too.
10. Ask about others to take the focus off you
It’s easier to focus on someone else other than ourselves. When you meet someone for the first time, ask them what they do for fun. What are their hobbies, or do they have any pets? Listen carefully, nod, and give them signs that you are enjoying their story. Then add anything relevant that applies from your life. Things like your pets – what kind are they, their name, breed…or your hobbies. At the end of the day, you want to have a balance between learning about them and sharing about yourself.
The goal is to learn about someone else because it’s hard to be self-conscious when you’re focused on getting to know another’s interests and stories.
11. Make internal progress checks, not comparisons
Jealousy is a miserable emotion. It makes you feel small and worthless and sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like anger directed at someone else, but you are the one who feels crappy.
Avoid both overexaggerating someone else’s talents or trying to find flaws in them to make yourself feel better. No one is perfect, and tearing them down when you feel envious just retains the focus on you because you are still comparing yourself to someone else.
Here’s a thought: What if we were OK with the fact that someone is more accomplished than us? When we accept this, it helps us see ourselves differently.
Our value then has nothing to do with how successful we are or how good we are at something. We want to go from “I like myself because I’m good at…” to “I like myself.” (Period.) This makes our self-acceptance unconditional.
How do we accept that others are more accomplished than us and be OK with that? First, let that fact sink in, and allow all your emotions of envy and sadness to come to you. Accept those emotions rather than fight them. Now, you no longer need to fear them. Afterward, you will be less prone to comparisons.
Here’s another way to do it:
Instead of thinking, “Well, at least I’m better than them when it comes to X.” Say, “I’m not good at everything, which is OK because my value isn’t based on my achievements. I have value because I am 100% myself”.
Let’s talk more about how to be more self-accepting…
12. Practice accepting yourself
Self-acceptance is one of the biggest steps we take towards achieving self-confidence.
According to Aaron Karmin, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist in Chicago, Ill, a person “who accepts [themselves] unconditionally as a worthwhile human in spite of [their] faults and imperfections does not experience the stress of self-consciousness.”.[3]
Here are some things you can do to accept yourself:
- Decide how you are going to live your life. Will you let others define your personal image, your strengths, and your weaknesses? Try to move from blame, doubt, and shame to tolerance, acceptance, and trust.
- Make a list of all your good points.
- What do you do well?
- What are you proud of accomplishing?
- Whose lives have you made better?
- Connections you’ve made with others.
- Hardships you have overcome.
Review the list often, so you see your progress and acknowledge your gifts.
- Take an inventory of the people close to you.
- Are they good for you?
- Do they reinforce negative self-talk?
- Do they criticize or demean you?
Consider eliminating all the negative influences in your life.
- Surround yourself with a positive support group of people who celebrate you.
- Forgive yourself. If you made a mistake, realize you did your best with the information you had at the time, or you simply made a bad choice. But now you chose to move on and forgive yourself.
- Silence your inner critic. Just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t mean it’s right or 100% true. If you wouldn’t talk to someone else like you speak to yourself, why is it OK to do it to you? You’re human like everyone else. Treat yourself as well as you treat anyone else, if not better.
- Move on from your unrealized dreams. You can’t change the past. All you can do is move forward and continue to pursue your current goals.
- Help yourself see how you make others’ lives better. It’s harder to see yourself in a harsh light when you acknowledge all the good you do.
- Let it go – You can’t control everything. It’s not resignation. It’s a realization that your energy is better spent elsewhere instead of railing against the things you can’t change.
- Try to solve your problems one at a time. First, step outside your head where all the worry and self-doubt resides. Take a dispassionate look at what you need to do to move past each issue. You could even try imagining that the problems you’re facing are someone else’s (if that helps you get away from your internal thoughts). Ask yourself what advice you’d give them (yourself) to help?
- Practice Self-compassion – accept your flaws and love yourself anyway. Simple words, but for most of us, it takes years, if not a lifetime to master this step. The more you do it, the better you’ll get in every respect.
- Even though you may not have much experience being kind and compassionate with yourself, you will start to believe these good things you’re telling yourself. Especially if you keep this positive internal monologue up. In many instances, it took years to get to this place of insecurity. It will likely take weeks and months to see progress and make permanent changes to your mental habits.
13. Practice thinking about other’s needs
Try doing thoughtful things for others. Consider their struggles, worries, dreams or regrets. When you do, you take the focus off yourself and you’ll connect with them. This will help you be less self-conscious.[4] It will also show others that you are caring, and you value them. Done selflessly, it will bring good things back to you.
Here are some suggestions:
- Smiling at someone after you meet them. It could be a friend, family member, or acquaintance. Let the smile happen as you talk to them, so they know you are smiling just for them because it grows after you say, ‘Hi.’
- Hold a door for someone.
- Give a spontaneous compliment.
- Bring a friend or co-worker cookies or a pre-made dinner if they are sick or need a pick-me-up.
- Pay it forward. Pay for the coffee or drive-thru meal of the people behind you.
- Keep your area tidy and organized if you work in an open-concept office.
- Send cards for different occasions or for no occasion at all.
- Give someone 100% of your attention and note what they say so you can follow up later. (Ask them how ‘it’ went. Make sure they are OK afterward.)
- Consciously spend a few minutes every day thinking of the things you are grateful for.
A word of caution: Do not do these things to gain others’ approval. That puts the focus back on you. Do it out of sincere consideration for others. The purpose of the exercise is to focus on others and their well-being. When you do, you’ll become more compassionate and less self-conscious.
14. Consider talking to a Therapist
If your self-consciousness is inhibiting you or is a result of social anxiety, a therapist can be helpful. Having social anxiety is more common than we think, and deciding to understand and address the effect it has on your life is brave. A Psychologist or a Therapist will help you talk through your feelings, find out where they originate from, and give you the tools to unpack them and move forward.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
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You can also try contacting your insurance company or doctor for recommendations.
I feel like people will notice how anxious and socially awkward I am. I constantly feel like I’m in a spotlight whenever they’re are people around and like I look weird or strange doing anything, like grocery shopping, I suddenly forget how to walk and feel like I’m being stared at so I get super self conscious. I’m a homebody so I don’t do much other than work and go to the gym as that is enough of “being around other humans” for me I can handle for the day since I’m an introvert. So I really don’t have many life experiences to talk about and keep a conversation going which makes me fear of coming off as boring and dull, not to mention I really suck at small talk. I avoid people at all costs even people I know, If I see someone I know in public I’ll look away or go the opposite way and act like I didn’t see them cus I just don’t know what to say to them and i fear of making things awkward. I hate this 🙁
I’m afraid of being perceived as not smart enough and boring. Even when when talking to myself and to friends, which is a far more comfortable setting then talking to strangers or to an audience for example, I tend to hesitate, drag and stumble over my words. Sometimes, but rarely, I may even stutter. So I fear that people might be thrown off by this. As a teenager , since I’m an introvert and I rarely go out, I feel like haven’t had enough life experiences to keep up a conversation with someone and I find it hard to find anything interesting to say, or anything at all, which will ultimately make the other person think I’m boring.
I get nervous when talking to people, especially when there is awkward silence. I am able to smile and nod, make short comments and say things like “Thank You” or “Aww, thanks” but beyond that I find it hard to think of something else to say. I’m usually able to answers questions but struggle to expand on my answer. I mostly struggle with this when I’m one on one.
I am always anxious about my personality being misunderstood. I struggle with not fitting in, and having awkward silence because I don’t talk much. Feeling like everyone is starring at me, and thinking I’m am a weirdo.
First of all, my English is very bad. So, forgive me if I say something wrong. Whenever someone wants to talk with me, I suddenly thought about the reasons behind his words. Like if someone says “I like your hair”, the thing I thought about is, why he’s saying that and what he wants. I don’t know how can I talk with people. I get nervous. So, whenever anybody asks me a question, I laugh weirdly.
when it comes to conversation I fear that I will not have the correct response and if I do respond it will show how socially inept I am. Or that if I don’t respond because I have to much social anxiety, I fear that they think it’s something they said or did wrong. if that makes sense.
I’m afraid people will think I’m weak, and that everyone is always far ahead of me. I’m afraid of being judged for my personality, as I dont have as much friends as others do. I’m afraid of being judged by people I look up to as incapable, shy, and bad at speaking in social situations. I. Afraid of being judged by my friends, who I think, see me as weak, as a person with bad qualities.
I’m so anxious to what people would think of my every move, so I don’t be myself and I look and do and say the things that people want me to say.
I feel like everyone is watching me and observing my dress ,my look and so I forget my things. I know there is nothing like that but still I try to show myself “cool” and confident especially in front of girls.
As a worrier and someone who aspire to be writer, brevity matters to me a lot back then. I’m worried about how my identity will be perceived the way I speak and act but I am actually slowly getting better by now, I did a challenge with myself lately of daring myself to be dull, to let myself stutter, even panic, and accept and forgive myself and let it be somehow, let myself be exhausted, etc. if I make a fool out of myself i’ll just let it be – and i found that improvements will always be opened to me, and it takes time, practice and challenges.
I get nervous because of expectations. I want to be liked so much I keep worrying about the best way to say ‘this’, to hold ‘this’, to walk, the best posture etc. I put so much pressure on myself that my personality is unable to shine through.
I’m fearful of attention brought onto me, even though I want that connection with friends/family I am weary that I can’t trust the most trustworthy people in my life. My anxiety of everything around one does to know themselves is only letting me learn what my anxieties happen to be in that moment instead of how I should be feelings. I feel this desire to make conversation only to end up saying to myself in a mixed bag of thoughts that no one wants to listen. So I info dump myself out of stories and interests just to make myself heard and generally feels like it back fires.
I’m afraid of vulnerability.
Im also socially distanced, now during the pandemic it made it easier for me I was already distancing from many people. Im feeling much different than most. To top it all I have allowed political differences play a big part also.
Causing me, spending most of my days alone.
Im 72 and is concerning to me. At the same time harder and harder.
I’m not necessarily afraid. My judgement of others is in my Avoidant behavior by socially distancing myself from them. This includes my children and grandchildren. I love them all dearly. However, feel disconnected at a deep feeling level. My words don’t meet with my emotions. This situation, leaves everyone feeling uncomfortable. It’s extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable. Most people I’ve thought I could trust, ended up laughing, or thought I was complaining. These experiences from childhood and my life’s trials and tribulations, have left me very guarded.
I feel I am comfortable and good in social situations until I am wanting to start a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, I’m not sure what it is but the initial approach is nerve-racking yet once I am in the conversation it tends to flow quite comfortably.
I lack self confidence, I’m always worried about my appearance and how people would perceive me. It got really bad to the point when I just post a picture of myself I would get anxiety, because im scared of what people will think, and my solution instead of facing it was to avoid it completely and stop posting.
i do it too. growing up i was a healthy kid so i was catcalled and got laughed at a lot. thats why my confidence level in my apperence was pretty low. i used get very anxsious whenever i found someone looking at me . i thought they were judging me . and so i couldnot share any picture of mine online .i thought people will judge and comment something bad about me.untel recently i developed a love for myself and i started being happy with the way i look. i now no longer feel anxious when someone looks at me. i think they finds me attractive because i feel attractive. so i would say if you want your anxiety to go away then love yourself unconditionlly. positive self love is the key. sending positive energy to your way. take care
I’m self-conscious about how I look to others, I have protruding ears and always wear my hair down to cover them, (which I hate). Even so, I feel like people are always staring at me, also I’m incredibly shy always have been. So I hate being the first to start a conversation, and really struggle with small talk.
I have a lot of the same thoughts that have been shared here when it comes to being painfully self conscious and anxious in social situations. I think I got too good when I was younger at putting on a stoic exterior being scared to show how vulnerable I was and not look or sound stupid, but actually I think that’s just makes me seem hostile or brooding to others, which I have come to feel self conscious about also. Also the saying comes to mind “just because you’re paranoid it doesn’t mean they’re not after you”, as a lot of people out there are just that shallow and hateful and will ostracise and put down people that seem a bit shy or quiet or anxious in my opinion.
I also have a ‘ stoic exterior’ as you put it, that I think scares people, so they don’t want to talk to me.
I wear my hair super short. I found out accidentally that there are people who think I’m gay because of my haircut. I don’t care that they think I’m gay – I hate that they use something as trivial as my haircut to make the judgment. I mean, WTF?
Hi David! I always get nervous to be involved in a conversation with someone who does not take my open & honest conversation with good will but pretends that we are in a conversation & when he/ she is with her friends thinks I’m snoopy.
Anonymous
I get nervous talking to people i usually don’t talk to often. So nervous i start to stutter and nonsense just comes out of my mouth, which just nakes my anxiety worse
I feel the same way. Once the focus is one me and it’s my turn to talk I unintentionally talk fast and sometimes loud. After I’ve said something and the next person starts talking a flood of thoughts of what-I-could-of-said rush in but the conversation has moved on too far that I can’t add anything to my sentence. So don’t worry, I do the same.
I’m not good at chit-chat and get immediately intimidated that I will be boring. But I’m far from it???? usually – if I can get over that initial fear preventing me from approaching someone. Anyone want to be friends?
Thank you for sharing. It’s similar for me. The intimidation and feeling like I’m not interesting/the other person will think that I’m boring stops me from interacting.
What I’m discovering as I’m starting to open up more and not care is that the fear is coming from a place of non acceptance of myself.
I am from Louisiana & have a very distinctive accent. I cannot count the times, as I’m engaging in conversation, someone will make a comment about my accent. I instantly want to shut down & run. At times, people add they like it. However, this is only after seeing my panicked state. I enjoy talking to people and conversation is easy for me. So, not only do I feel singled out for something I cannot change, my joy of conversating is lost, as well.
I often wonder if people will like me when I attend a new place and if they will accept me.
I have learnt to talk to people more now but I crave acceptance and am nervous about acknowledging someone I have met only a few times often awaiting them to acknowledge me feeling rejected when they don’t.
I am self conscious about my looks. I am friends with other girls who have amazing bodies, and sometimes they will make fun of me for my weight. It feels like I’m being stabbed every time. But I’m too afraid to cut off the one that leads the other one, because that would be social suicide and I wouldn’t every be able to go to school again.
Im scared that people will notice how bad I actually do want to be friends. I don’t want to come off clingy.
Same. Literally me.
I worry that people are constantly watching me and judging me for every little thing that I dislike about myself.
When I meet my friends, I feel like they r talking about me when I’m not around because of the way they look at each other. The one friend, I know she doesn’t really like me and that she undermines me and the other plays on that
I feel like my interests and I are boring and I feel awkward for sharing about my interests in social groups because I think people will find me more boring.
that’s exactly how i feel, and that no one actually listens and wants to know more about it. as soon as i’m finished it’s either an awkward silence or they start talking about something else.
I feel that I always make grammatical error and that people hate me when I talk.