When I was younger, I often felt self-conscious and socially awkward. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to become a Behavioral Scientist was to be better socially.
If you often feel anxious and embarrassed, this guide is for you. It will give you the tools you need to be more relaxed in social settings, get out of your head and into the conversation.
This guide is for anyone who’s feeling overly self-aware, but examples are geared toward adults in work or at college.
Note: Sometimes, the underlying reason for self-consciousness is social anxiety. If this is the case for you, here’s our list of the best books on social anxiety.
Let’s get started!
1. Focus on someone or something
Self-consciousness comes from being overly concerned with how people see us. We worry that we won’t be seen as smart, attractive, or that others are judging us.
It can be exhausting, and with too little evidence to support the argument in either direction, we go straight to the most negative conclusion.
To get out of this pessimistic mindset, try shifting your attention to the people around you and your environment.
Focus not on what others think of you but on learning about the people you’re with. Make it a point to find out one thing about every person you meet. It could be their job, their major, or what they did on the weekend.
The objective is to get out of your head. Put that energy into the people around you rather than into feeding an inner dialogue that’s holding you back.
2. Question your inner critical voice
It’s easy to believe the negative voice inside our head is always right. But have you tried questioning it? You might find out that it has little to do with what’s real.
Check the evidence from your life:
Can you recall a time you did something that proves your inner critic wrong? For example, if your voice says, “I always mess up around people,” remind yourself of a time when you did just fine.
Ask yourself if what you are feeling is reasonable. Or, are you letting a perception you think others have of you, run the story in your head?
3. Know that people notice you less than you think
In an experiment, students were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt.
By the end of the day, the students who wore the shirts estimated that 46% of the class had noticed. When polled, only 23% of their mates actually had.[1] In other words, their embarrassing t-shirt was only half as noticeable as they had thought.
What feels mortifying to us is usually having little to no impact on others. People are caught up in their own thoughts and struggles, too busy to worry about ours. The best thing we can do is remind ourselves that no one cares as much as we do, and even our own filter is not a perfect lens.
4. Know that it’s OK to say some stupid things
I remember talking to a girl I was crushing on when I was in high school. She was talking about how her brother liked a band, and like a crazy person, I said, “Ya, I know.” Like somehow, I knew what group her brother liked. My crush looked at me strangely but kept going.
Did it make any difference to my crush? Not really. At this point, I can laugh about it, but at the time it felt humiliating.
Try turning the tables on the situation. Would you care if someone blurted out something silly? Or would it just pass you by without giving it extra thought? It’s better to talk freely even if you say something stupid every once in a while. The alternative is to always guard yourself, and that can make you come off as stiff and aloof.
5. Don’t try to fight your feelings
Emotions tend to cling harder when we fight them and weaken when we accept them.[2]
When you are anxious, and feeling uncomfortable in a social setting, what are you thinking about? How does thinking about that make you feel? Happy, sad, nervous, jealous? What’s your body doing when you’re in your head and feeling awkward at a party? Are you sweating, jumpy, yawning a lot (a reaction to nerves)?
Simply accept how you feel rather than trying to change it.
Now focus outward. Talk to someone. Ask them how they’re doing. What brings them to this party/event? Do they know anyone? Then check your head. How do you feel when you’re talking to someone? Do you get any less nervous as the conversation goes on? If you were blushing, has it subsided yet?
Practice going back and forth between your inner thoughts and how you feel when you are talking to others. See if you feel better when you’re in your head, listening to your internal dialogue, or when you’re spending your energy on others.
6. Focus on your positive traits
This isn’t “think happy thoughts, and you’ll be fine.” Instead, you want to base your self-worth on your real, positive qualities rather than cynical and questionable self-talk. This is what we know is true:
- You have talents and abilities that give you fundamental value.
- This combination of characteristics makes you unique and memorable.
- You are worth spending time with and knowing.
Try to list your concrete skills like your mathematical ability, you’re a good writer, you’re multilingual, you’re a great cook. Then there are your personality traits. You’re kind, honest, genuine, funny, enthusiastic, etc.
Even if you can’t make a full list today, write one positive quality down every day and then review the list every week. When you have a comprehensive list, read it every day. You’re training your mind to focus on what you do well and to be able to access it quickly.
7. Make sure you’re reading the situation right
Negative experiences can teach us to be on guard and defend ourselves from criticism and hurt. This can affect how we perceive the world and the people we encounter.
Those of us who are overly self-conscious might believe the world will judge us harshly because that is what we’ve experienced. However, as I’ve pointed out, people don’t care that much about how we act or what we say. Every new person you meet thinks of you as a blank slate.
When you’re in a scary social situation, ask yourself, “Is there a chance my past experience is affecting how I’m seeing this interaction? Is there another, more realistic way I can approach his conversation?”
Believe people will be friendly, and most of the time, they will be. If not, it says more about them than you.
8. See yourself as a social observer
People watching is fascinating, and it shows us how our basic humanity makes us all messy, foolish, and funny. Go to the mall, grab a coffee/tea, and watch people walk with their friends. Listen in as they sit beside you and talk, or as they chase their kids down the hall.
Now notice their body language, their tone of voice, and eavesdrop on what they’re saying. What we’re doing is training you to switch your focus from yourself to others and to think objectively about what you’re witnessing.
Are people relaxed or stilted? Is their posture good, or are they slouching? When they talk, are they quiet, or does the volume go up and down with excitement? The more we see others being their imperfect selves, the more we’ll realize this is what ‘normal’ looks like.
Go into this observer mode when you walk into a room of strangers. It can help you be less self-conscious.
9. Assume that people will like you
This one is about the mechanics of being seen as confident rather than inhibited or self-conscious. When we feel uncomfortable, it can make us talk softer, hug our bodies with our arms, and speak faster to get the words out and move the focus off us as soon as possible. It can make us seem aloof, and even if we don’t intend to, it makes us less approachable.
Be confident and friendly right off the bat. Walk up to people with a warm smile and present yourself. If you’re uncertain about the details, look at how likable, confident people do it and learn from them. Assuming people will like you is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Assuming they won’t is, too.
10. Ask about others to take the focus off you
It’s easier to focus on someone else other than ourselves. When you meet someone for the first time, ask them what they do for fun. What are their hobbies, or do they have any pets? Listen carefully, nod, and give them signs that you are enjoying their story. Then add anything relevant that applies from your life. Things like your pets – what kind are they, their name, breed…or your hobbies. At the end of the day, you want to have a balance between learning about them and sharing about yourself.
The goal is to learn about someone else because it’s hard to be self-conscious when you’re focused on getting to know another’s interests and stories.
11. Make internal progress checks, not comparisons
Jealousy is a miserable emotion. It makes you feel small and worthless and sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like anger directed at someone else, but you are the one who feels crappy.
Avoid both overexaggerating someone else’s talents or trying to find flaws in them to make yourself feel better. No one is perfect, and tearing them down when you feel envious just retains the focus on you because you are still comparing yourself to someone else.
Here’s a thought: What if we were OK with the fact that someone is more accomplished than us? When we accept this, it helps us see ourselves differently.
Our value then has nothing to do with how successful we are or how good we are at something. We want to go from “I like myself because I’m good at…” to “I like myself.” (Period.) This makes our self-acceptance unconditional.
How do we accept that others are more accomplished than us and be OK with that? First, let that fact sink in, and allow all your emotions of envy and sadness to come to you. Accept those emotions rather than fight them. Now, you no longer need to fear them. Afterward, you will be less prone to comparisons.
Here’s another way to do it:
Instead of thinking, “Well, at least I’m better than them when it comes to X.” Say, “I’m not good at everything, which is OK because my value isn’t based on my achievements. I have value because I am 100% myself”.
Let’s talk more about how to be more self-accepting…
12. Practice accepting yourself
Self-acceptance is one of the biggest steps we take towards achieving self-confidence.
According to Aaron Karmin, MA, LCPC, a psychotherapist in Chicago, Ill, a person “who accepts [themselves] unconditionally as a worthwhile human in spite of [their] faults and imperfections does not experience the stress of self-consciousness.”.[3]
Here are some things you can do to accept yourself:
- Decide how you are going to live your life. Will you let others define your personal image, your strengths, and your weaknesses? Try to move from blame, doubt, and shame to tolerance, acceptance, and trust.
- Make a list of all your good points.
- What do you do well?
- What are you proud of accomplishing?
- Whose lives have you made better?
- Connections you’ve made with others.
- Hardships you have overcome.
Review the list often, so you see your progress and acknowledge your gifts.
- Take an inventory of the people close to you.
- Are they good for you?
- Do they reinforce negative self-talk?
- Do they criticize or demean you?
Consider eliminating all the negative influences in your life.
- Surround yourself with a positive support group of people who celebrate you.
- Forgive yourself. If you made a mistake, realize you did your best with the information you had at the time, or you simply made a bad choice. But now you chose to move on and forgive yourself.
- Silence your inner critic. Just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t mean it’s right or 100% true. If you wouldn’t talk to someone else like you speak to yourself, why is it OK to do it to you? You’re human like everyone else. Treat yourself as well as you treat anyone else, if not better.
- Move on from your unrealized dreams. You can’t change the past. All you can do is move forward and continue to pursue your current goals.
- Help yourself see how you make others’ lives better. It’s harder to see yourself in a harsh light when you acknowledge all the good you do.
- Let it go – You can’t control everything. It’s not resignation. It’s a realization that your energy is better spent elsewhere instead of railing against the things you can’t change.
- Try to solve your problems one at a time. First, step outside your head where all the worry and self-doubt resides. Take a dispassionate look at what you need to do to move past each issue. You could even try imagining that the problems you’re facing are someone else’s (if that helps you get away from your internal thoughts). Ask yourself what advice you’d give them (yourself) to help?
- Practice Self-compassion – accept your flaws and love yourself anyway. Simple words, but for most of us, it takes years, if not a lifetime to master this step. The more you do it, the better you’ll get in every respect.
- Even though you may not have much experience being kind and compassionate with yourself, you will start to believe these good things you’re telling yourself. Especially if you keep this positive internal monologue up. In many instances, it took years to get to this place of insecurity. It will likely take weeks and months to see progress and make permanent changes to your mental habits.
13. Practice thinking about other’s needs
Try doing thoughtful things for others. Consider their struggles, worries, dreams or regrets. When you do, you take the focus off yourself and you’ll connect with them. This will help you be less self-conscious.[4] It will also show others that you are caring, and you value them. Done selflessly, it will bring good things back to you.
Here are some suggestions:
- Smiling at someone after you meet them. It could be a friend, family member, or acquaintance. Let the smile happen as you talk to them, so they know you are smiling just for them because it grows after you say, ‘Hi.’
- Hold a door for someone.
- Give a spontaneous compliment.
- Bring a friend or co-worker cookies or a pre-made dinner if they are sick or need a pick-me-up.
- Pay it forward. Pay for the coffee or drive-thru meal of the people behind you.
- Keep your area tidy and organized if you work in an open-concept office.
- Send cards for different occasions or for no occasion at all.
- Give someone 100% of your attention and note what they say so you can follow up later. (Ask them how ‘it’ went. Make sure they are OK afterward.)
- Consciously spend a few minutes every day thinking of the things you are grateful for.
A word of caution: Do not do these things to gain others’ approval. That puts the focus back on you. Do it out of sincere consideration for others. The purpose of the exercise is to focus on others and their well-being. When you do, you’ll become more compassionate and less self-conscious.
14. Consider talking to a Therapist
If your self-consciousness is inhibiting you or is a result of social anxiety, a therapist can be helpful. Having social anxiety is more common than we think, and deciding to understand and address the effect it has on your life is brave. A Psychologist or a Therapist will help you talk through your feelings, find out where they originate from, and give you the tools to unpack them and move forward.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
(To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)
You can also try contacting your insurance company or doctor for recommendations.
I’m afraid of coming across as obnoxious or accidentally overstepping boundaries. I don’t want people to think I’m rude or clueless (even though I feel like I am).
I know what you mean.
I feel the same, afraid someone will criticise me and I will be embarrassed and not be able to defend myself.But other confident people seem not to be afraid to say what they think even if it can border on rude and people still like and respect them.I think we all need to respect ourselves first by being our true selves.But be kind if possible
I am always afraid of being judged as a boring person, I always dont have new things to say and I’ve never started a conversation and when I do things become terrible
ME TOO. Literally conversations come to a screeching halt because I feel like i have nothing interesting to respond or contribute. I’ll bring something up and it will get responses of what feels like polite interest but not true entertainment. I’m working on it by:
1. practice: Never saying no to any social invitation (unless harmful obv) by doing this I practice talking to people and having strong roles in the coversations. also have more things to talk about! (i hope)
2. I’ve been doing the word association game thing thats supposed to make you have quicker wit (for like 5 mins look at things and create an association: lamp–> jungle, candle–> candle in the wind, smells, light, calculator–> math, calculations, numbers) you do it every day focusing on speed and not humor and then use the conversation threading to try to make humor come from it somehow
3. Remember that i’m NOT boring. nobody is boring. Everyone has interesting things about them, that I, for one, would love to find out about and make some friends for once lol. I, at least, find you interesting! 🙂 Remembering that everyone is together in feeling lonely and boring and weird keeps me from focusing on that and comparing myself during conversations.
4. humor! people want to be friends with/feel more comfortable around people that are funny, and i come from a super solemn rural household and have never made friends easily or have a lot of interesting stories, just a lot of sad, country, working-too-much-at-an-early-age-stories lol. So i’m practicing my humor to make new friends and have new experiences so i can talk about something OTHER than being poor in the middle of nowhere. I watch stand-up comedy, look up jokes online, listen to funny podcasts. etc.
It’s only been 2 weeks of trying this stuff and I’m already noticing a change in my personality. It’s also cutting back on my depression by at least doing something to try to change my loneliness haha
hope it helps!
I know exactly how you feel! Since I don’t do anything new, I feel I have nothing to start or add to a conversation. It’s all awkward!!
I have a hard time focusing and following the content of what people are saying and how I sound and come across when I talk to people. I don’t want to appear dum or unintelligent.
I’m afraid of when walking by girls that I find attractive, I’m suddenly being judged by them by every move that I do and having nothing to say and therefore being ignored or abandoned.
Well i’m mostly afraid of starting a conversation with strangers it’s like when i open my mouth nothing comes out of it even if i can’t see that person
I’m afraid of being abandoned or hurt. I’m mostly socially anxious due to long term abuse and isolation. I don’t want to “make” someone hurt me.
I’m afraid of being the boring person cause I always never have something to say, I just laugh at what other people say and nod when needed.
You are not alone. This happens with me too. I feel like people is judging my every word and move. And moreover I feel like I don’t have any control over me when I am in public. That’s why I always stand or sit quietly.
I’m afraid that people won’t respect me as an equal. That they will look down on me. Like, “oh, she’s so cute trying to look all mature and smart”. I’m also afraid that I will be miss understood and this will change whoever’s perspective on me in the opposite way of what I wanted them to understand. This causes me to overshare and repeat what I said in a more organized way (sometimes for my own benefit to organize my thoughts out loud) and this makes me come off as annoying and unaware of what’s going on in the brain of the people I am talking too. I also judge myself quite a lot and I shove the judgmental thoughts I have about myself onto the other person. I also can’t forget an embarrassing situation after it happens. Even if it is years later.
Also, I don’t know if it’s just me being weird… But am I the only one who has a conversation and can be fine while it’s happening, but explode with anxiety afterwards when I’m alone? It’s like I turn off my anxiety during the conversation so that I can talk like a normal person, but then turn it back on afterwards.
I’m afraid to be loved. I mean I want to be loved, as well as I want to be able to love back like everyone else but I panic whenever someone’s shows any affection for me or whenever I let a person in or it begins to get serious. Affection feels so foreign to me at times, and I often mess up (love wasn’t a thing I was raised on, I was raised on fear) I’m afraid to be put on a pedal stool and not living up to the expectations of others or having the power of hurting someone that shows me nothing but love because I know what it does and how it feels to have a good heart and have people abuse it. I always feel like I’m an unlovable person, and my dreams of having a happy family is impossible when I find it hard to socialise with girls anymore. This is probably because I find it extremely difficult to love my self for all my good and bad sides but it’s hard after years of rejections, insults, pushed a side, laugh at, and total embarrassment.
It’s hard to see any positive in any situation at times, and because of that I begin to expect failure, embarrassment, being judged negatively and being cast a side. I used to bottle everything up and stay silent so much but nowadays if I even get the chance to open up my overthinking thoughts and feelings comes pouring out and flooding the room ( I would of drowned if it was water) I could be in a room of people yet feel so alone. I have big dreams and the capabilities of reaching those dreams but I’m scared to get out into the world and socialise and try to act normal when I feel like an alien amongst the human race, and I won’t be accepted. I feel like I borrow confidence of my friends but it’s not the same energy or not enough energy to get me through my anxiety episodes.
I’m afraid of offending the good ones around me And having them go but it gets harder to even identify who’s good or bad. I feel like the world is so huge when I’m outside, and I over think how I walk and talk because I assume all eyes are on me waiting for me to trip or do something abnormal. But most importantly I’m afraid that I will die a failure with nothing but negativity and pain. if I had kids, I would like to leave them something behind and give them a better life but I fear I’ll become like my pops because his pops was just like him and raised him strict and on fear. I felt like I was the only one feeling like this but after reading all this comment I see I’m not alone.
I have the same problem with you.Am never sure with anything
i am afraid that people will judge me by my hair and also i am afraid of people thinking i am annoying
I’m afraid of certain types of people judging me when I walk outside and when I open my mouth as well. I overanalyze every situation.
Thank you for this. I’m afraid of much the same as the others, negative judgement mostly and of being annoying if I’m trying to be friendly. I have dams that hold in my overthinking until someone asks me something then it comes pouring out til I’ve bored them to tears. I think people want others to answer questions posed out of courtesy briefly then ask back in kind. I want to hear what they have to say but I’ve monopolized the conversation time until it’s too late. I have had lots of friends in the past who were just pleasantly forceful and didn’t notice or care. It’s harder now and I’m so much more aware of it and my past failures that I am better off staying clammed up.
i am afraid of being a alone. honestly from childhood to adult i did everything my self, studies, works everything there were no friends helped me to work and getting high marks it makes me more self strong through education, however i am also a human and have heart, when i see others who are not well in study they are so much having happy times pleasurable times, friends know their birth dates and got parties wishes not like me. it makes me so sad and why is that? so i understand every time i cant be alone as i used to get in my childhood also in my industry i must have a good people around me so now I’m aware and afraid how my future hold now no one to trust me or hold me as a friend or trustworthy guy. this is what I’m worry and afraid.
I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing unintended offense to someone else. I’m also afraid of giving someone else a perception of me that is inaccurate. Snap judgments are our reality – I’m always working twice as hard to make a good impression which makes me anxious!
I’m afraid of talking to people, especially women because I think they’ll find my conversation boring and that’ll usually make me feel like I don’t know what else or more to say, which intern also makes it difficult to keep the conversation going.
Any time I’m in public I’m afraid of talking in strangers with the fear of them not finding sense in my words. I hate being senseless you know.
Yes! I totally understand you. I start overthinking what I am saying and then I feel like my words get all jumbled up and at the end of it all I feel like I didn’t make sense and that makes me even more anxious. And when I forget where I am going with the conversation because I start panicking I tend to cut it short. You’re not alone!
A few days ago I about to ask for work, but I started to cry so I just went home. I am don’t know how to feel confident about how I supposed to speak and talk with others when my first language is Hungarian and I am an introverted 16 years old girl. And while I am so stressed between strangers how I can work without me fainting or do things wrong. I just need lot of help.
I am 16 years old in secondary school. When I am with “popular” students I am always worried about what to say and I worried about what they gonna think if I am not say anything so I just smile and leave them :(. When I am with my friendship group I don’t know what to answer what to say how to say it and I am Hungarian so my English not best I speaking with lots of breaks because I am too scared and stressed what to say and how and what others would think. I don’t know how to text someone because my mind like “what I gonna say after that, or how to start or how to be not boring or what she’s gonna think about me” and I just stop there and I can’t make new friends easily because of that I am always thinking on what will they gonna think of me.
( Note : my English is not too good ???? but I will try to make you understand what I want to say )
Age :: 16
My problem is that I am too thin and my height is long too . That’s why it’s quite hard to find cloth of my fitting so I only have one pair of dress in which I can go outside ( my other dress are not good . And I afraid to go to a shop to buy new dress cuz usually when I go to shop
Shopkeepers laugh at me seeing my thin body and say to my mom it’s hard to find dress of his fitting .
????☹️????????
And my dressing sense is also not good
So I only have one pair of dress and I feel awkward to go school in only one dress
I don’t have school uniform yet
Cuz this is my new school and it’s corono time
So I usually afraid from any comments on my dress and my body
So I am at home and taking holidays and holidays
But I think I have to go school tomorrow cuz I already take seven days leave continuously
I really miss my old school
I am afraid that what I have to say is not important and people are better than me because of their rank.
I’ve had a head injury when I was 13. I was sent to regular school less than 2 months after it happened. I had just moved so I didn’t know anybody there and I closed myself off because whatever I said sounded stupid. That’s the way my life has been. Am I anxious? I think so.
For many years i bottled everything up, afraid of saying the wrong things.
Luckily it’s getting better.
i’m a transboy meaning i was born female but identifies myself as male. i don’t have money for any transition surgery. i’m afraid of getting judged by that. being a transboy. i feel like everyone sees each lgbt member as those crazy people who glues a dick to their forehead making lots of noice on the streets and i’m just not like those people at all. i know my sexuality i know what i am by heart and i don’t have the desire to yell it out loud looking like an idiot. i’m just afraid of getting judged. as we all are. i’ve been asked “so are you a boy or girl” almost my whole life cause i’ve always dressed boy-ish. it’s the most hurtful question ever to someone who wanna say “i’m a male” but looks female by body.
Ever since Covid came last year. It only made my social interactions even more awkward. Even before Covid. I struggled to start conversations with people. What would happen is that I’d over think about what I was going to say so much that I’d drive myself crazy. Then I got upset because I also thought to myself it should be easy just start by saying hello. But now it’s obviously harder to figure out how to apporch someone to start a conversation. It also doesn’t help that I drive a cop car. I bought it because it was a good price for the amount of km’s it had on it. Now everyone stares at me and it just increases my self consciousness. So I keep thinking to myself should I have not bought this car? It’s not good for my son and wife everytime I complain about what other people are doing around me. I shouldn’t give a damm. Unless someone is trying to harm us. Otherwise I am not sure what to do.
I currently feel sick in the mornings driving to work, wondering what will happen at work today, what will I do that will upset my boss. I’m getting use to the concept that that is out of my control and worrying about it doesn’t help me.
I use to feel sick before having to do story time as I have a speech impediment and neurological issue with word finding, but I now realise that the children don’t care about that, they’re just happy to see me and hear the books regardless of how I read them… because spoiler alert … they can’t read! ????
I feel shy because everyone watch me and they laugh at my talking or they ignore me no one notice me i kind felt lonely at that time but im getting better now
I am 18 years old I found myself very low everyday because of my weak social skills and I overthink everything I afraid mostly my lack of words I always get nervous when I talk with someone I don’t know how to talk with girls i don’t know how to talk with anyone I’m afraid of being ignorant every time
quotes that i live by
“When we arrive at school, no one notices how others look because they’re too occupied with how THEY look”
“failure is not an option”
I am afraid of being judged for having ADHD and severe anxiety.i am only 17 years old and all of the girl don’t want to be with me for having ADHD and anxiety. i just wish i had a girlfriend my age who cares about me for who i am as a person
I totally understand. I constantly lose words and it makes you feel stupid… BUT YOU ARE NOT!!! Do you keep a journal? Write stories? You expressed yourself perfectly in your comment. Just keep writing.
And please don’t think about your body. Work on your confidence and how you present yourself. Things will come together. Wishing you love and light.