“I don’t know who I am!” (How to find your identity)

How do you know who you really are?

Like, how do you know what your values are and what you really think and feel about things?

Here’s the comment that inspired me to write today’s text. It’s from one of our readers, Jaimie:

“As I am reading these articles and watching your videos (which are fantastic by the way!) I find myself thinking that, even if I do apply these principles to my social life, I will still struggle.

I actually don’t know what I think about things, or what I value and why. I have been such a people pleaser for so long, terrified of rejection, that I lost myself in it all.

How do I relearn who I am and express myself?”

– Jaimie

Here’s the thing.

When we’re kids, we learn about the world by listening to others. And then, as we grow older, others start listening to us, and we learn that we are individuals.

We start to grow what psychologists call identity or a sense of self.

But some of us don’t practice creating our own sense of self. Maybe we were raised that way or we fear that we will get rejected if we want something others don’t.

And it makes sense that if we never practice creating our own opinions and thoughts, we don’t really know who we are, right?

I think one of my coaching clients said it well: “It’s hard to share my thoughts on things when I don’t know what I think”.

Luckily, we can (re)discover our identity at any point in life

You see, in many situations, you will notice that even if you don’t know how to react, your subconscious does.

You might get a pressure over your chest thinking about certain situations. Or, you feel your stomach activating when you think about some things. Or, you get a smile on your face when you think about other things.

These are cues about what you think subconsciously. By paying attention to how your body reacts, you can see what you really think about things!

So the next time you feel blank when it comes to decisions, opinions, or values – pay attention to what your body says.

Ok, moving on.

It’s time to pull up all those thoughts and feelings you have inside of you and use them to form a strong identity.

I’ve created a worksheet for you. It’s based on the same principles that psychologists use to help people develop a sense of self. (But they charge thousands of dollars to help you with this. I want you to be able to do it for free.)

You can get the identity worksheet.

After you’re done, let me know in the comments – how are you feeling after completing it?

I’m excited to hear from you!

David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

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  1. It’s always been good when I follow through what my body says. You’re right David. We should have practiced creating our opinions, values and thoughts. I start to learn following my passion because it gives me energy and excellence by asking myself what do I want to do that? what do I want the outcome to be? ?


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