How to Get People to Respect You (If You’re Not High Status)

Does it seem like people don’t respect you? Perhaps they don’t listen to you. Maybe they brush your emotions aside or never pick your ideas. You might feel that you just don’t matter to others.

In this guide, you’ll learn how to get people to respect you even if you don’t have a high social status. 

Sections

1. What does respect mean?
2. How to gain respect by building trust
3. How to gain respect by communicating more effectively
4. How to gain respect by showing respect to others
5. How to gain respect by showing self-respect
6. How to gain respect by setting boundaries
7. Other ways to gain respect

What does respect mean?

To respect someone is to acknowledge and appreciate their positive qualities, skills, or talents. When we treat someone with respect, we also honor their rights as a human being. For example, if you respect someone, you appreciate their right to have preferences, to be treated with kindness, or to change their mind about something.

Most of us want to be respected by other people. It feels good when someone values your personality, thoughts, achievements, and feelings. Plus if you can earn someone’s respect, they will probably become more likely to ask for your opinions, take your advice, and enjoy spending time with you. 

How to gain respect by building trust

As a general rule, trustworthiness is a highly-valued trait. If you can prove to other people that they can rely on you, they are likely to respect you.

1. Keep your promises

Show that you are reliable by keeping your word. Don’t make promises if you can’t follow through. If you can’t meet your commitments, apologize without making excuses and try to make amends.

2. Be consistent

It’s normal to change your opinions, preferences, and lifestyle from time to time. But if your words and actions clash, other people might think that you’re flaky or a liar, which won’t win you any respect. For example, if you say that you don’t drink alcohol but usually have a beer when you’re out with other people, you’ll come across as indecisive or dishonest. 

3. Avoid gossiping

Gossiping is a bad habit that won’t earn you respect. If you share personal information about someone without their consent, they probably won’t trust you in the future. And if people hear you gossiping about someone else, they might assume that you’d be happy to gossip about them as well.

How to gain respect by communicating more effectively

Good communicators often command respect because they know how (and when) to share their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way without causing unnecessary offense or conflict.

Here are some tips for gaining respect by communicating more effectively:

1. Speak so that people listen to you

Many people who struggle with getting respect feel like they have no voice and that nobody listens to them. 

Making yourself heard will help you develop more of a presence. That presence may earn you respect from the people close to you, both family, friends, and work colleagues.

Here’s how to speak so that people will listen to you:

1. Use people’s names when you’re talking to them.
2. Avoid overly complex language. (People will resent you if they can’t understand the words you use.)
3. Ask more questions about the other person.
4. Use hand gestures to make your message clearer.
5. Keep more eye contact. (Make sure you give everyone in the group equal amounts of eye contact to keep everyone’s interest.)
6. Improve your articulation and vocal projection so that other people find it easier to hear you. 
7. Use pauses effectively. (Silence has a big impact on speech.)
8. Vary your tempo and tone when speaking. This makes you more interesting to listen to. (Practice at home by recording yourself speaking.)

2. Use confident body language

Our body language can tell people how we feel about ourselves. For example, if you walk around with your shoulders hunched, arms crossed, and your eyes on the ground, you will seem shy, afraid, or insecure. None of that commands respect.

However, if you have confident body language, people might look up to you. They may believe that there must be a good reason for your confidence and, therefore, you must be worthy of their respect.

These are the characteristics of confident body language:

• Good eye contact when speaking and listening
• Good posture (no slouching or crossing your arms)
• Walking with a purpose (not wandering around aimlessly)
• Keeping your chin up and eyes forward (instead of down)
• Use hand gestures when speaking (instead of keeping your hands shoved in your pockets)

3. Don’t let people keep interrupting you

As a general rule, well-respected people aren’t interrupted because others are interested in the things they say. If you learn how to deal with interruptions, you might come across as more assertive and socially skilled.

When you are interrupted, try one of these phrases:

• “Just a second, I’d like to finish my thought.”
• “Excuse me, we got off track. What I was saying was that ___________.”
• “Like I was saying before, ___________.”
• “Please, let me speak.”

Here are two more techniques that will help you stop others from interrupting you:

1. Use people’s motion-detecting abilities to your advantage

Before you start to make a point, briefly raise your hand or your index finger. This triggers people’s motion-detecting ability and makes them focus on you. 

If you don’t get an opportunity to say something immediately, that’s OK. People will often remember that you got something to say, so they will give you a chance to speak later in the conversation.

2. Using a quick inhale as a signal you got something to say

By making a quick and audible inhale, people will notice you got something to say and focus on you.

When you start asserting yourself more, people will become more aware of your presence and give you more space in conversations.

Note that an interruption isn’t always a sign of disrespect. For example, in a lively group conversation, people interrupt each other all the time. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean they are being disrespectful.

4. Keep your temper and anger in check

If you lose your temper, people won’t take you seriously because they’ll think you’re too emotional and irrational. 

Here’s how to address a conflict or have a difficult conversation in a way that makes people respect you more:

1. Prepare some suggestions for improving the situation before you have a talk.
2. Have the conversation in private instead of making a scene in public.
3. Do it after you’ve cooled down instead of confronting someone in the heat of the moment.
4. Use i-statements such as “I think…” and “I feel…” instead of making accusations such as “You always…”
5. Keep yourself calm; make an effort not to get defensive or upset.
6. Be understanding of the other person’s circumstances. Tell them you understand and want to work with them to find a solution that works for both of you.
7. Be honest with yourself about mistakes you’ve made and things you could do differently moving forward.
8. Admit when you’re wrong and apologize.

5. Improve your listening skills

If you can listen to people and respond meaningfully to the things they say, you’ll probably earn their respect. Good listeners often come across as empathetic and caring, which are admirable qualities. Because a skilled listener can make others feel valued and appreciated, they may be respected in return.

To improve your listening skills, start by paying more attention to people during conversations. Put your phone and other distractions away, make eye contact, and focus on what they are saying rather than what you want to say in response. Give them plenty of time to speak; there’s no need to fill every silence.

6. Avoid oversharing

It’s common to talk too much and start rambling when you get nervous or want to make a good impression.

But to gain others’ respect, you can’t ramble and talk about yourself. You need to slow down and find some common ground first. That way, people will start valuing your input and what you say.

Here are 6 tips to avoid oversharing if you tend to talk too much or ramble about yourself:

1. Think about what you want to say before you start speaking. 
2. Avoid using “uh” and “um” when you speak. Filler words weaken your message.
3. Start asking more questions and follow-up questions. This will slow down your pace and make sure you don’t babble without any input from the other person.
4. Avoid telling someone your whole life story unless they do the same. 
5. Share as much about yourself as they share about themselves.
6. To make the conversation engaging for everyone involved, try to find common ground and talk about shared interests or hobbies.

7. Ask for help when you need it

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. People who acknowledge their own limits don’t pretend that they are capable of doing anything and everything. When you can admit that you need a hand, other people might respect your self-awareness. 

Don’t let your pride get in the way. Most of us need help at times. For example, if you feel overwhelmed at work, it’s OK to ask a colleague for help or to delegate some of your tasks if you’re a manager. 

8. Own up to your own mistakes

People who stand their ground even after they realize they’ve messed up are acting from a place of pride. Prideful people quickly lose the respect of their peers.

Be careful not to mistake “pride” for the idea of being proud of who you are. Being proud of who you are is a type of self-respect. Being prideful is believing you’re better than others.

Admitting when you’re wrong is always humbling. No one enjoys making mistakes. But the reality is that we all make mistakes, and each one of us is going to be wrong at some point.

Here are some things you can say when you realize you’re in the wrong:

• “I’ve thought about what you said, and you’re right.”
• “I know I disagreed with you before, but what you said makes a lot of sense. You’re right.”
• “I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I was wrong about that.”

Not only does admitting a mistake prevent you from looking foolish, but it also shows the other person that you value them and their opinions. This will strengthen your relationship. But refusing to admit that you’re wrong will push you away from each other.

How to gain respect by showing respect to others

Treating people well will go a long way toward earning respect from others (even when they don’t deserve it). Your respectful behavior will show many characteristics worthy of respect, including self-control, acceptance of other people’s faults, and an ability to think on your feet.

Here’s how to earn respect by showing respect to other people:

1. Follow the Golden Rule

Remember the “Golden Rule:” Treat others how you want to be treated. Give other people the benefit of the doubt when they’re behaving poorly. They may be going through something that you don’t know about. Choose to treat them with respect anyway. It says a lot when you refuse to treat someone poorly, even when you could have done so.

2. Give credit to other people

If you take credit for someone else’s ideas or work, it’s unlikely that other people will respect you. Give others the acknowledgment they deserve. You want people to trust that when they help you, they’ll get credit. For example, if your sister has helped you redesign your garden and your friends compliment the results, say, “Thanks! It was hard work, but luckily, I had some help from my sister.” 

3. Stand up for other people

It takes courage to step in when someone is being bullied. If you stand up for someone who is being harassed or treated badly, you might win respect. It can take a lot of self-confidence to defend someone else, especially if everyone else is ganging up on the victim. 

You don’t have to start a big argument when you’re defending someone. For example, a simple “Hey, that’s not fair, stop being unkind” or “That’s a mean thing to say, can we move on?” could work.

You can also stand up for people in their absence. For example, if you are in a group and someone starts gossiping, you could say, “Hey, I don’t think we should talk about people when they aren’t here to speak for themselves.” 

4. Help out when you can

Research suggests that lending a helping hand could increase your status in a group. For example, the results of a 2006 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin showed that in group settings, people who help others tend to gain higher status than those who aren’t so altruistic.^[1]

How to gain respect by showing self-respect

In general, we find it easier to respect people when they seem confident, assertive, and at ease with themselves. If it’s clear that you respect yourself, others may assume that they should respect you, too. 

Here are some ways you can show self-respect:

1. Acknowledge your good points

You shouldn’t brag. But you also shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge your good qualities and achievements. 

Here are some examples of things most respected and high-value people stand by:

1. “I work hard.”
2. “I’m a great friend.”
3. “I care a lot about other people.”
4. “I’m trustworthy and responsible.”
5. “I’ve overcome a lot of obstacles in my life.”
6. “I’m proud of who I am.”

This doesn’t mean you need to tell people these things directly. Bragging won’t earn you respect. According to 2015 research published in the journal Psychological Science, people who brag tend to come off as unlikeable.^[2] But don’t be afraid to let your talents and accomplishments show. For example, if someone asks you how things are going at work, it’s fine to say that you’ve been working hard and earned a promotion.

2. Stop apologizing for yourself 

Over-apologizing is a sign that you’re more submissive than dominant. Submissive and dominant behavior can both be bad things in extremes; getting the right balance will win you respect. 

Imagine that someone accidentally spills their drink on you. Then, out of pure habit, you say “I’m sorry,” even though it was the other person’s fault. 

If you want to gain respect, you’ll need to save your apologies for the times that you’re actually sorry.

One way to stop saying “I’m sorry” too often is by replacing the phrase with a simple “Thank you” when you can. 

For example, if someone helps you out by giving you directions, say “Thanks so much for your time” instead of “Sorry to bother you.” “Thank you” shows appreciation to the other person for their time. It switches your mindset from an apologetic one to one of gratitude. The other person will also appreciate not needing to reassure you that you’ve done nothing wrong.

Another thing to say instead of “Sorry” is “Excuse me.” For example, if you bump into someone or need to get past them, “excuse me” is polite but not apologetic. 

Finally, you don’t need to apologize for saying “No” to someone if they ask you to do something that doesn’t work for you. For example, if your friend asks you for a lift to the airport in the middle of the night and you need to get up for work the next day, it’s fine to say, “No, I can’t manage that.”

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3. Stand up for your opinions and beliefs

When we compromise our beliefs to fit in, we disrespect ourselves. When someone questions your beliefs, you can be assertive while still being respectful and polite. Try to be comfortable both with your own beliefs and with the fact that some people will disagree with you. 

For example, let’s say that you are religious, and the rest of your friendship group are atheists. You don’t need to downplay your beliefs, even if you’re in the minority, because you have the right to choose which religion (if any) to follow. If a conversation gets awkward or heated, you can say, “Let’s agree to disagree” or “Maybe we should change the subject?” and switch to another topic.

4. Avoid too much self-deprecating humor

Often, people respect those who have a good sense of humor. This may be because, according to a 2011 study published in the journal Intelligence, we tend to link humor with intelligence.^[3]

But not all forms of humor will win you respect. In particular, self-deprecating humor can work against you. 

Here are some examples of what type of messages self-deprecating humor can send:

• “I’m no good.”
• “I’m terrible at everything.”
• “I don’t like myself.”
• “You’re better than me.”
• “I’m not worth your time.”

Self-deprecating humor can be great, but it should be obvious that there’s no truth to it. For example, when Obama joked that he couldn’t turn down the AC in the oval office, that was funny because no one doubted his power.

But if you feel lonely and joke about having no-one to hang out with on the weekends, you’ll paint a picture of yourself as a lonely person, which won’t encourage other people to respect you.

You don’t have to be a natural comedian to be funny and use humor to your advantage. Often, simple and humorous observations about the absurd side of life are enough to make people laugh.

How to gain respect by setting boundaries

Boundary-setting shows people they can’t take you for granted and that you expect them to treat you with respect. Boundaries are useful if you tend to help others all the time without getting anything back.

Let’s say that you feel like your friend is taking advantage of you. They come over to your house any time they want, eat your food, and sleep on your couch. They never ask for permission or contribute money for groceries.

In this case, you can set a boundary that no one can come to your house between 9 pm and 9 am without your permission or invitation.

Once you’ve decided what boundaries you need to set, you need to tell the person you’re having a problem with. For example, you might say to your friend, “From now on, I’m not going to have uninvited guests between 9 pm and 9 am.”

There is almost always a reason why people do the things they do. It helps to consider the other person’s situation. What could have made them act this way? Have they always taken you for granted?

You can suggest ways that their needs can still be met without taking advantage of you. For example, ask your friends to call first if they need a place to sleep or contribute money if they frequently eat at your house.

Even if you’ve set a boundary with someone, there is a chance that they will cross the line. If this happens, your next step should be to have another conversation with them about it. 

Explain again:

1. Why the things they’re doing are problematic for you
2. Your boundaries
3. Why you’ve set those boundaries

If they still don’t respect your boundaries after that, you may need to make more drastic changes. Unfortunately, it might be necessary to cut contact with certain friends.

Other ways to gain respect

If you can treat other people well, stand up for yourself, and act with integrity, you’ll be well on your way to earning respect. In this section, we’ll look at a few more things you can do to create a good impression and encourage others to take you seriously.

Here are some other strategies to try if you want people to respect you:

1. Present yourself well

You don’t have to be naturally beautiful, athletic, or handsome to gain respect. But making the most of your appearance and presenting yourself well may encourage other people to respect you.

Good self-presentation includes:

1. Dressing appropriately based on the situation
2. Wearing well-fitting, clean clothes
3. Grooming (e.g., showering, shaving, skincare)
4. Getting regular haircuts
5. Staying in shape

Things like clothes and looks might seem shallow, but they are important because they shape how other people see you.

For example, a 2013 study found that a tailored, well-fitting suit creates a more positive impression compared with regular, off-the-peg suits. This doesn’t mean you need to invest in high-end tailoring, but it suggests that flattering outfits create a better impression.^[4]

You don’t have to spend lots of time or money. All it takes is going to your hairdresser, taking a shower, shaving, or buying some new clothes. It’s just a few hours of work each month (and some of your hard-earned money) to enjoy more respect for the rest of your life.

Staying in shape is a bit more tricky and time-consuming, but the mental and physical health benefits make it worth the effort.

2. Keep up with current affairs

If you can talk about recent news, trends, and pop culture, you’ll come across as well-informed and open-minded. These qualities can help you gain respect. In general, people who show an interest in lots of different things come across as good conversationalists. Stay up to date by skimming the news headlines every morning and looking at the topics that are trending on social media. 

3. Make friends with respectable people

If your friends are irresponsible or disrespectful, other people might assume that you are similar or that you approve of your friends’ behavior. To earn respect, choose your friends carefully. Spend time with people you genuinely admire, not people you feel embarrassed to know.

4. Improve your leadership skills

Leadership skills can earn you respect, especially at work. Being a leader means being a person who helps the group achieve its goals.

Strong leaders also stand up for what they believe is right, even if it goes against what others want or believe.

Here are some practical ways to earn respect by being a leader:

1. Take the initiative in situations where you are knowledgeable or skilled.
2. Set short-term and long-term goals and come up with plans for achieving them. (Find goal-setting worksheets here).
3. Make sure people hear you by speaking clearly and loudly.
4. Keep your word. Do what you say you’re going to do.
5. Lead by example. Work hard if you want others to do the same.
6. Do what you believe is right, even if it means going against the majority.
7. Treat others with respect at all times.
8. Don’t lose your temper or blame others. Focus on problem-solving instead of blaming.

5. Develop a signature skill

Skilled people often command respect. If you don’t have a special skill, consider finding one. You could try learning a professional skill, such as coding or public speaking, a sport, a craft, or a musical instrument. There are lots of free tutorials online, or you could invest in an online course from Udemy or Coursera.

6. Work on your weaknesses

You can earn respect by figuring out what skills you need to improve and working hard to develop them. 

For example, let’s say that you’re not very comfortable speaking to crowds, but you have to give presentations as part of your job. If you ask for tips or an opportunity to take a public speaking course, your manager and colleagues will probably respect you for trying to improve your skills.

7. Come up with solutions to problems

Don’t just point out problems. Try to suggest ways to improve the situation. You’ll gain a reputation as a problem-solver rather than someone who just complains all of the time.

For example, instead of saying, “These weekly meetings are a waste of everyone’s time,” you could say, “Sometimes, I wonder whether there’s a more efficient way of keeping everyone up to date with our projects. Would anyone else be interested in setting up a Slack channel for weekly updates? That way, we wouldn’t need to commit to a meeting every Thursday.”