Say hello to old David.
– I worried what others thought of me and that they wouldn’t like me.
– It took me forever to connect and make new friends.
– I felt weirdly incapable of making normal conversation and coming up with things to say.
– I felt like I bored people because I wasn’t interesting enough (and was often ignored in group conversations.).
– Often, just thinking about talking to strangers made my hands sweat.
– And man… don’t get me started about talking to girls. Here’s where I went full weirdo.
And what’s more, I was certain that’s just the way I was.
This didn’t just make my conversations awkward…
It slowly eroded the limited social life I had.
No one wants to experience the pain of talking to an awkward person. I eventually realized that it wasn’t their responsibility to figure out that I was a nice and interesting person.
Friends didn’t want to deal with awkwardness and forced small talk. So they made up excuses. They were often “busy.”
Of course, I didn’t realize that it was only excuses until years later.
I only realized it when I saw how eager people can be to hang out with you when you know how to connect.
How I freed myself from the prison in my head
Think about that awkward conversation you had with someone. Or the date where you didn’t know what to say. Or the job interview where you didn’t come off as “the right candidate” even if you were a perfect fit.
I want to tell you about how I got to where I am today. How I freed myself from thoughts spinning in my head, a racing heart around strangers, and lonely weekends worse than prison.
I was determined to be successful in life because I was sure that once I got successful, things would change.
Maybe you’ve had similar thoughts?
- “Just wait until I get a new job.”
- “Just wait until I make more money.”
- “Just wait until I find the right guy/girl.”
- “Just wait until I look better.”
- “Just wait until I succeed with my dream.”
So I worked hard for years.
I started a company that did really well. I moved to a nice house in a great area and could buy myself whatever I wanted. So in the eyes of others, I did become successful.
But I didn’t feel successful, because nothing in my social life had really changed. I was still awkward. My school buddies had all moved to different cities. I still spent most weekends alone.
Nothing that really mattered had changed.
I understood that to be confident and natural around others I needed a new strategy.
It turned out that I’d made a huge mistake:
I thought it was wrong to read books on confidence; that it would make me fake. But I slowly realized that I couldn’t figure it all out on my own.
You know… those who went to school discos when they were kids built their social confidence “the natural way”. But still, they needed a decade or more of practice…
If I did the same thing, it would have taken just as long for me.
And I was already a decade behind in social experience. I needed something quicker – I needed to learn instead of just blindly doing.
So, I read everything I could on confidence and social interaction. I was busy running my company, but I practiced whenever I had a chance. Just a few minutes of practice on some days still made a difference.
I had been so stupid. I threw away 1000$ on a new TV because that’s “normal”. But I started to sweat when a course about social skills capable of changing my life cost a fraction of that.
Finally, I understood how much faster I learned by tapping into other’s knowledge.
And the opportunities my social confidence have given me have returned at least 100X of what I invested in books and courses:
- All the friends I’ve made since I started my journey
- The amazing people I’ve met
- The life I now enjoy in NYC
- And my company, SocialSelf…
I took small steps.
- Instead of just ignoring the passerby on the street, I nodded (even though it felt super uncomfortable at first).
- Instead of just nodding to the cashier, I asked how she was.
- Instead of just exchanging the basic greetings with my coworkers, I asked them how their vacation went and how their kids were doing.
I got all of that thanks to investing in myself.
I took small steps, practicing what I’d learned. I didn’t have to do anything scary.
Here’s an example:
When I met people, I just couldn’t relax and felt insanely awkward.
It came to the point where I would stay in my apartment anxiously watching Netflix instead of meeting people.
In one of the many books or courses I went through, I learned a method called “making friends with your nervosity”. Instead of trying to push nervosity away or avoid it, you can pay attention to it and let it be in your body without trying to fight it. You can even name it. (I named the pressure in my chest Bob.)
Something strange happens: When you stop “fearing the fear”, it loses its grip on you.
Anyway, when I first tried it, it didn’t go well.
There were so many other things to think about when I actually talked to someone.
It was like when I learned to drive. At first, it was impossible to steer, accelerate, and look for pedestrians at the same time.
But I practiced whenever I was around strangers.
One day I talked to someone and realized that I didn’t have that anxiety in my body. I actually enjoyed a conversation with a stranger.
WIN! I smiled all the way home.
I started to realize that the voice I had in my head had been wrong the whole time. (You know, that voice telling me, “You don’t have what it takes.”)
I made a realization:
Being able to talk to people in a relaxed way and connect with them is a skill you can learn. It’s not something you have to be born with.
Do you get that? It took me years to really get that.
I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to fit in.
When I saw how much people liked to be around me, my self-confidence grew.
Here are some recent photos I’ve taken. I included them here because I think that they sum up my social life today. I’ve never been a party person. I always wanted a close circle of friends I can hang out with when I’m up for it.
And it all started with the understanding that being confident, natural, and relaxed around people is a skill you can learn.
Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if this never happened…
According to research, we lose half our friends every seventh year. This means that there would be no way for me to make friends faster than I lost them. For me, that would mean spending more and more nights and weekends in an empty apartment as the years pass by.
Bottom line: Choosing to not do anything is a bad option.
Share your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to hear what your path has looked like so far and where you would like to go in the future!
Honestly, I am probably one of the most socially awkward people you could meet. I am the oldest out of six with one sister and four brothers. My sister and I are the oldest ones and my four brothers are the youngest ones. My sister is the complete opposite of me. She can speak her mind freely, make a friend within seconds, very talented, and is beyond popular. Then there’s me, who stutters in front of both big and small groups when nervous, who can’t make conversation with anyone knew, who is constantly in awkward silence, and who literally stands and walks awkwardly because anxiety is that bad. I keep trying to be more like my sister and more like one of my friends, who is also really popular, especially when it comes to boys; and I keep forgetting to tell myself that everyone is different and it’s just your fear. But me telling myself this just never hits home. I keep hoping that one day it will just happen even I know that’s not the case. My dream is to be one who people will want to invite to social settings and who is enjoyable to be around, instead of being awkward and being someone who people try to avoid and not invite when it comes to social settings.
My path is going from being a person who Is always helping others.
Now it’s been where and whenever I try to talk or even say anything in a group to meet new people I’m not sure if I should say anything.
I hope I got the right bloke after that, please let me know if you’re not the one that I have been reading about, cheers hope u have a good one ( day) ????????????????
I finally read my messages, should more often but I’m hopeless like that as I usually just talk to ( not a big user of Emails as u can see )I have been reading what u wrote ) and it’s interesting to me ( and somehow I can see u know that ????♀️) but what people post does tell u a lot, cheers and atm everything’s down but I’m interested in reading more and ty I’d love to see your thoughts and how u see things, I hope u and your family are well and safe and hopefully we can be in contact some way and maybe it will help me with my lif3 and the changes I’m still doing as this covid has made things that bit harder / I won’t go on anymore as It will end up a bloody never ending Novel ????????so ty and I’m interested in a future post, Emails whatever it is u do I know you’re a good bloke who wants to help others,I’m glad u sent the Emails ( can’t wait to see ) ????????????????????
I’ve always been bad at socializing. I started trying to use little tricks for making small talk and all that, but I still struggle a lot with being awkward. However, I feel like when I meet up with people more than once we either talk about the same things over again or plain run out of things to say. How do I get out of this cycle?
I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me like I just don’t have that thing in me that allows me to connect with others because I am too lost in my head with my social anxiety.
David, In a few months, I will be visiting a place where I won’t know anyone and I am hoping for a fresh start to make friends and deal with my social anxiety. For years I have been avoiding social situations so as not to risk feeling awkward. My avoidance crutch before Netflix was reading hundreds of novels, one after another. Based on reading your Social Pro messages, which I feel are spot-on, I now realize that I don’t really need a new place; rather, I need a new approach. So, I am looking forward to your new system that will help me go “from socially awkward to awesome.” Derald
Sometimes when I try to talk to people it just feels like what I have to say dint matter with the way they reply me and it makes me feel like I should just be on my own and not fool my self around trying to be a socialist that am not
Thank you so much for sharing such advice with me. I am quite grateful because no one in my life knows I have social anxiety. What you say totally relates to me especially during this Covid 19 pandemic. I was a new student who never removed her mask because she is afraid of what people will think of her looks, not even for eating. But with this advice I will take baby steps to confidence and self esteem. Thank you very much.
Hey David! How are you? I have found your emails really helpful and they have provided me with much closure. I actually feel like I can connect with people when I want to, but that’s when I really feel like connecting with them. Most of the time, I feel drained when I am with a group of people, I feel like “yeah whatever”. This has got my parents worried about me, they often tell me to talk to people and make good relationships with them. I find that kind of pushing myself to do something I don’t feel quite necessary because I am okay with not interacting with them and like I don’t want to depend on people. Is it a healthy attitude or do I need to be more like an open book?
I’m currently going through the same thing. I can hold a conversation for a long while now, but a lot of the time I just don’t feel like doing so.
I guess maybe it’s introversion, but I think it’s still important to at least make sure that the relationships you have don’t fade away.
”You see, I was determined to be successful in life because I was sure that once I got successful, things would change”- exactly what I do think about almost anytime I wondered how I can overcome my social awkwardness. I can really see as I read your materials and put them into practice, there is enormous improvement in my social life. Hope to see more of it ????.
Hi David! Thanks for this! I’m not alone afterall! N I just realised that! I don’t really have many friends (in fact I don’t even have a best friend or a close friend – is that even ok?????) coz I hardly keep/kept in touch with them for the exact same reasons you’ve mentioned. I thought I wasn’t worthy enough of speaking to people, why would they want to speak to me, I can speak after I accomplish a certain thing in life etc etc.. I realise I’ve been wrong and am trying to course correct (whatsapp has been helping) but not to the extent I would’ve liked. But I don’t really know how to proceed any further… All I do is reply to their status on whatsapp n the conversation sometimes goes on for a short time and some times even that doesn’t happen. That’s it.. is there a better way to do this..?
This sounds just like me. Thank you so much for the hope you give, David. I have already benefited very much from your tips.
Hi..David
I moved two years ago and with covid has made it hard to get out and try on clothes. I know if I could try on clothes that I would probably be in a better mind set. I have kids and it has been a hard time for me and my child. I feel if Iif I could stay motivated to exercise, get a few outfits, a d lose some covid wait that I would GREAT1!!! I am really not sure] how I found you. It had to be god. I am very thankful. I plan to try some of you techniques do develop confidence and motivation. Thank ????
hiii David, for me i’ve always been really good at talking to people and making conversation. idk i guess it always came natural to me, i was so confident and everyone seemed to enjoy my company, I never noticed how lucky i was back then for it to come naturally to me but ever since i went into high school everything changed, i didn’t have the confidence I had before & suddenly it was like I was overthinking every conversation i had with someone. not to mention I was really hard on myself for every little mistake and awkward situation. i didn’t feel like the person i knew i could be and tbh it felt like wasted potential, knowing the person i know i can be but for some reason i still can’t seem to reach my full potential, idk what’s the difference between then and now but it feels like i’m holding back and that i get kinda paralyzed with the thoughts in my heads so i get mixed up on what to say, i still feel like i lack confidence and idk what to do. i appreciate all of your emails they help me feel understood, God bless you have a good day <33
David I understand what you are saying, I can relate to most of what you’ve been through. I will try to put some of your method into practice but I still work and when I am off I occupy my time watching Netflix. Thank God the lockdown is coming to an end , so I will also be spending some time at my local church also.
I could totally relate to your post. I went through high school and college without making much of any social connection. And most times I feel when people invite me out it’s like I’m the last person they think about, or they don’t think about me at all. I love your mails, it’s great to see that it is possible to grow out of that person. I want to grow out of that person and enjoy life. I feel I’m wasting away my twenties. I’ve lived a really sheltered life and I really want to have fun living. I’m ready to work on myself.
I have a big problem with maintaining my relationships, I have had a lot of friends but I’ve lost them all because I don’t follow up with them. I never text or call people just to talk because I don’t know what to talk about with people I already know well. I feel like I can never secure a friendship and make a friend a ‘close friend’ or a ‘best friend’.
I always have felt that I was an outsider without anything interesting to say even though I am very smart and educated. I was very self conscious and always felt like everything I said was being evaluated by people and made fun of behind my back. Since reading your memos I have come to realize that I can be focused on someone else, asking them questions about themselves and I’m not focused on myself! It has been a game changer. I’ve searched my whole life to find a way to fit in and never figured it out. You have taught me and I have finally found it. I can’t thank you enough. You have literally transformed my life!
I don’t feel shy , but it’s exactly like you said . And the fact is that my parents always locked me up whereas my siblings were free to mingle because I was the only son so they tried to make me in their own image but of course it didn’t go well and now most of my sisters know small talk and I am so behind. Everyday I wonder what I do wrong, I even take notes , I have done almost everything you said. But before I met this group, I would have given up. I just need specific ways to change not what most people will say by being yourself or by being nice to everyone cause it has never worked for me . Even suicidal thoughts have come more often than the idea of “ friends “ , I’m always laughed at for trying so hard. And before I met u , I received some of the worst advice that was so contradictory.So I hope you continue so as I can have something to look forward to in my life.
In recent some years i was like that only.I used to be boring. But from last one year I myself changed me and now having a good social life.
David, you have changed my life so much. I was talking to a girl and I messed up big time. I was certain it would never work out. But because I took your advice, we started having fun conversations again. She also showed signs of liking me. I have little experience talking with girls. Thx so much.????
I feel just like old David. I have a close group of friends but I can’t talk to anybody else, it’s like I’m always saying the wrong thing so I just don’t say anything anymore. Also, it was a struggle to make the friends I have now, next year when I’m moving to another city I fear that I’ll be alone again.
Sometimes I become so shy I can’t look straight into someone else’s eyes, it’s hard even to say Hello or Hi to my neighbours. I’m really in a bad space because my future is different to what I am right now. My wish is to go overseas but if I’m struggling with commications skill here at my own country it means the worst is yet to come.
But since I joined your group I’m improving from one step ahead
Iam not shy to talk to strangers or even people i know i just seem to think iam always saying the wrongh things and am boring them i know many people but dont have friends
I have high functioning social anxiety, so my anxiety doesn’t prevent me from joining clubs, talking to strangers, having a great job, etc., and I am very friendly and outgoing. But I shy away from social situations where I perceive potential rejection, and having anything more than acquaintances makes me anxious. I genuinely love being alone, but I often wonder how much alone time I would need if I felt truly comfortable around other people and with myself. Looking at your pictures, they instantly triggered anxiety for me. But also, a deep longing.
It is so reassuring to read you describe the feelings experienced in social situations and about your former ability to navigate a social situation. I related to so much of what you said. Even in the body of your most recent email, there are many strategies I would like to apply (such as asking a cashier how their day is, etc. rather than wanting to hide in my turtle shell until the interaction is over), etc. I look forward to hearing more about the exercises and workshops available in the future.
Hey David,
I can relate to your articles a lot. It feels good seeing that there are many people going through the same anxiety , same loneliness. It’s really difficult for me to make friends and whatever I try it never seems to be enough. And seeing my friends moving ahead so easily makes me feel very uneasy at times. But I hope to become a person who can actually have good talks and can keep friends.
I have become more self conscious over the years. I think it really stems to working from home for over the last decade. I didn’t really understand how it affected me. Then I started getting social anxiety and anxiety from stress and worry. I’ve been working on this the past few years. Signing up for craft classes, going to events and trying to be around family more. Then covid hit and this past fall anxiety started creeping in again. I want to be capable of having conversations, small talk that gets interesting. I have a tendency of not knowing what to say. I feel like I turn into someone boring (ok not much more going on…the awkward silence) I really want to be social and interesting.
I’ve never had a social life and have never been able to get past acquaintanceship with anyone. I’ve never turned down an invintations but they never come. The last time was back in October of 2015. Hopefully I can find a good group of friends that lasts, and finally stop feeling hurt by everyone else’s assumptions that are wrong at every level.