Say hello to old David.
– I worried what others thought of me and that they wouldn’t like me.
– It took me forever to connect and make new friends.
– I felt weirdly incapable of making normal conversation and coming up with things to say.
– I felt like I bored people because I wasn’t interesting enough (and was often ignored in group conversations.).
– Often, just thinking about talking to strangers made my hands sweat.
– And man… don’t get me started about talking to girls. Here’s where I went full weirdo.
And what’s more, I was certain that’s just the way I was.
This didn’t just make my conversations awkward…
It slowly eroded the limited social life I had.
No one wants to experience the pain of talking to an awkward person. I eventually realized that it wasn’t their responsibility to figure out that I was a nice and interesting person.
Friends didn’t want to deal with awkwardness and forced small talk. So they made up excuses. They were often “busy.”
Of course, I didn’t realize that it was only excuses until years later.
I only realized it when I saw how eager people can be to hang out with you when you know how to connect.
How I freed myself from the prison in my head
Think about that awkward conversation you had with someone. Or the date where you didn’t know what to say. Or the job interview where you didn’t come off as “the right candidate” even if you were a perfect fit.
I want to tell you about how I got to where I am today. How I freed myself from thoughts spinning in my head, a racing heart around strangers, and lonely weekends worse than prison.
I was determined to be successful in life because I was sure that once I got successful, things would change.
Maybe you’ve had similar thoughts?
- “Just wait until I get a new job.”
- “Just wait until I make more money.”
- “Just wait until I find the right guy/girl.”
- “Just wait until I look better.”
- “Just wait until I succeed with my dream.”
So I worked hard for years.
I started a company that did really well. I moved to a nice house in a great area and could buy myself whatever I wanted. So in the eyes of others, I did become successful.
But I didn’t feel successful, because nothing in my social life had really changed. I was still awkward. My school buddies had all moved to different cities. I still spent most weekends alone.
Nothing that really mattered had changed.
I understood that to be confident and natural around others I needed a new strategy.
It turned out that I’d made a huge mistake:
I thought it was wrong to read books on confidence; that it would make me fake. But I slowly realized that I couldn’t figure it all out on my own.
You know… those who went to school discos when they were kids built their social confidence “the natural way”. But still, they needed a decade or more of practice…
If I did the same thing, it would have taken just as long for me.
And I was already a decade behind in social experience. I needed something quicker – I needed to learn instead of just blindly doing.
So, I read everything I could on confidence and social interaction. I was busy running my company, but I practiced whenever I had a chance. Just a few minutes of practice on some days still made a difference.
I had been so stupid. I threw away 1000$ on a new TV because that’s “normal”. But I started to sweat when a course about social skills capable of changing my life cost a fraction of that.
Finally, I understood how much faster I learned by tapping into other’s knowledge.
And the opportunities my social confidence have given me have returned at least 100X of what I invested in books and courses:
- All the friends I’ve made since I started my journey
- The amazing people I’ve met
- The life I now enjoy in NYC
- And my company, SocialSelf…
I took small steps.
- Instead of just ignoring the passerby on the street, I nodded (even though it felt super uncomfortable at first).
- Instead of just nodding to the cashier, I asked how she was.
- Instead of just exchanging the basic greetings with my coworkers, I asked them how their vacation went and how their kids were doing.
I got all of that thanks to investing in myself.
I took small steps, practicing what I’d learned. I didn’t have to do anything scary.
Here’s an example:
When I met people, I just couldn’t relax and felt insanely awkward.
It came to the point where I would stay in my apartment anxiously watching Netflix instead of meeting people.
In one of the many books or courses I went through, I learned a method called “making friends with your nervosity”. Instead of trying to push nervosity away or avoid it, you can pay attention to it and let it be in your body without trying to fight it. You can even name it. (I named the pressure in my chest Bob.)
Something strange happens: When you stop “fearing the fear”, it loses its grip on you.
Anyway, when I first tried it, it didn’t go well.
There were so many other things to think about when I actually talked to someone.
It was like when I learned to drive. At first, it was impossible to steer, accelerate, and look for pedestrians at the same time.
But I practiced whenever I was around strangers.
One day I talked to someone and realized that I didn’t have that anxiety in my body. I actually enjoyed a conversation with a stranger.
WIN! I smiled all the way home.
I started to realize that the voice I had in my head had been wrong the whole time. (You know, that voice telling me, “You don’t have what it takes.”)
I made a realization:
Being able to talk to people in a relaxed way and connect with them is a skill you can learn. It’s not something you have to be born with.
Do you get that? It took me years to really get that.
I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to fit in.
When I saw how much people liked to be around me, my self-confidence grew.
Here are some recent photos I’ve taken. I included them here because I think that they sum up my social life today. I’ve never been a party person. I always wanted a close circle of friends I can hang out with when I’m up for it.
And it all started with the understanding that being confident, natural, and relaxed around people is a skill you can learn.
Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if this never happened…
According to research, we lose half our friends every seventh year. This means that there would be no way for me to make friends faster than I lost them. For me, that would mean spending more and more nights and weekends in an empty apartment as the years pass by.
Bottom line: Choosing to not do anything is a bad option.
Share your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to hear what your path has looked like so far and where you would like to go in the future!
David , I have no problem, meeting new people . It’s once they get to know you , I don’t have confidence , in my self. They get to know me. I feel stupid. I was a mother raised my kids , then went into day care !! I try to make people like me . I’d talk to a rock . We’re do I go from here ?
Hey man I’ve only been here a couple weeks and just seeing I’m not alone helps the most. Obviously the advice too but just getting rid of my thought of “you’re the only person that can’t figure out how to be social” helps a lot. I know this is a long process but maybe the first time ever I have hope that I’ll get this figured out. Thank you x1,000,000
thanks Mr. David, I am the person that I cant connect with people. now when I read your advice. I realized my mistake.
I got stuck in small conversation And I always wondered why I was not as attractive as others, why others did not pay attention to me, why I felt lonely in public, I thought that attractiveness is a natural phenomenon and is related to my appearance and financial ability. I always preferred to be alone at home rather than in public. But now I know that “no, this mindset is not right” you have to learn this. It’s like going to college to learn technical education.
now I know how to get out of small conversation, by sharing some information of main and know something about our friends.
hey David what should i do when someone doesn’t respect me
Hey David,
Never had I thought that I could find someone who could really understand me. You’ve hit the jackpot! I’ve been trying so hard to find a solution to my problem and I always thought I was alone. I always thought I was the weird one. The very first time I read your article, tears started to roll down my cheek. Thank you so much and I do hope I can learn a lot from you. And I wish one day I can come up to you and say, David, I did it!
Thank you! This means a lot to me. You’ll make it!
David
David, I think self-esteem is the word! I must commend your effort, you have really helped me in these few weeks. Before now, I have always thought that am not okay. I see my friends doing well, like getting lucky, moving ahead of me that I always feel inferior. Coiled back to me because they don’t want to associate with someone who is not up to their class. Because of this, I decided to study Guidance Counseling. I felt that there are other kids who might be facing this challenge and they needed someone they can trust, who can really reassure them they are okay. Ya, this course has really helped me a lot, and joining your class has in no small measure be of help too. Looking forward to more Dav. Thank you
Hi David
What I find effective is joining as much groups as I can on social media.
I feel it’s really brought out a new social savvy side in me… and it feels really good ????
It may be only a baby step but it’s a step in the right direction, as I am calm, confident, and enjoying conversations.
Although it isn’t the same as socialising face to face, I’m slowly building confidence untill I get to the point where I am comfortable in others’ company.
I’m recieving friendship requests now that I’ve got myself branching out and actually talking and bantering with people.
Sorry David, I meant to say all of my companions are employed.
Hi David,
As I’m unemployed and ALL of my companions are, I’m convinced that for this reason no one’s really keen/cannot spare the time to get to know me.
No matter how hard I try to get a job, I’m always unsuccessful… because of this, I live a quiet, rather socially unmotivated life.
I do feel like I have to be on the career ladder in order to feel valued. ????????????????????????????????????????????????
But is that it? Only the employed can attract friends?
I long for a long, meaningful friendship whatever my current situation is!!
Hi David
I many times think that i should wait till i am succesfull thats when people would want to be around me thinking that lack of possession and fame is the reason i dont have friends but you saying like has really changed my mind,Thanks David for help
Thanks David,Today i was able to join a group of my GCEs classmates and put up two topics and i was not ignored and that has boost my selfesteem.I wish i could improve in conversation with Girls,OFC has worked to my fellow boys and has helped me to get rid of nervousness on everyone including strangers,the point is i run out of things to say when am discussing with girls.
Hi David
Thnx for every thing
I had developed a bit but you know…
Sometimes i think that I don’t have any best friend because my friends always go out together but if I want to go with them they avoid me
Even sometimes they call me after everyone means if nobody go out with them then……
They call me to go out with them or they accept my offer to go out and I’m sad (a little) about this pleas say smth to me
Thnx again
I feel the same way you used to feel. I always avoid going out with people. When I do, I am never asked again, confirming what I already know/think. I am just different; I appear off or odd…it’s humiliating, so I never go out at all.
I am comfortable with that but I would be much more comfortable if it was because I want to stay in, not because I feel like people will think I am odd, awkward,and/or strange. Sometimes I’m nervous just to go to the grocery store!!
Thank you David for your inspiring words. Reading the messages you send me have changed my life. I mean from awkwardness to awesome. You’ve really empowered me how to build social capital.
Im also pretty awkward in conversations, its like my subconcious always kicks in when im about to meet some new people and tells me im gonna look stupid if i say what i think and show them the real me. Its interesting that you can become succesful and still be socialy awkward, i think Elon Musk is a good example of that (maybe im wrong). I started now a sales training in which i got to a point where i have to call a bunch of people i know and i feel terrified of that, i feel like i need a huge amount of energy to override the negative thinking that stops me from talking to people and starting conversations
Hi David,
Felt really good reading your story. I feel motivated now. I do have same thoughts like you had, while among a group of friends. I feel like being a very boring person who cannot even respond properly to a question asked, forget about initiating and asking a question seems like a nightmare. But, I am trying to get out of this barrier. I want to grow socially and be like the others. I want to stop staring at the ground when I walk in public. I want to have long talks comfortably with a friend.
Thanks a lot for those mails… they are very inspiring????
I can totally relate to u. I have always been this shy and awkward kid since school.i always had this fear that people will not like me.i feared rejection.i had become a people pleaser in order to make new friends.but I have realised that I can’t make everyone like me and wanting to do so itself is nothing but making myself more miserable.so now I have started to be myself and those who like me the way I am will be my real friends.i don’t want a big gang instead a few trustworthy friends are enough and they are the ones I really want in my life
Hello, there is a certain problem with my social life, that is the language barrier! That’s strange I guess, cuz l live in Kazakhstan, it is a post-Soviet country. We have two official languages in our country, Kazakh and Russian. Most of our people who live in south Kazakhstan speak in Kazakh and most of the Northern folks speak in Russian. I am from the Southern region but I moved to the Northern region. I understand Russian and I can speak in Russian and explains things somehow, but this makes me feel nervous all the time when I speak in Russian because I am afraid of making mistakes. In addition I am over all awkward person.
Hello, there is a certain problem with my social life, that is the language barrier! That’s strange I guess, cuz l live in Kazakhstan, it is a post-Soviet country. We have two official languages in our country, Kazakh and Russian. Most of our people who live in south Kazakhstan speak in Kazakh and most of the Northern folks speak in Russian. I am from the Southern region but I moved to the Northern region. I understand Russian and I can speak in Russian and explains things somehow, but this makes me feel nervous all the time when I speak in Russian because I am afraid of making mistakes. In addition, I am an overall awkward person. What advice would you give me?? Thank you! Godspeed!
Hello David,
Thank you for the emails, I started looking forward to them. I thought I was the only one that felt this away, so it’s refreshing to see that we can learn social skills. To come out of my shell, I joined a few dating sites but I get really stressed out over making small talks and conversations with guys fade easily. Still, I wan to keep trying, maybe I’ll read some books like you suggested. Thanks for the encouragement, they are really appreciated.
Sincerely,
Didichan
Hi David
I really enjoy your work. I have stuttered all my life but have never let it hold me back. Now that I follow your posts I really can identify with a lot of what you say and try to apply your advice in my daily life. When you stutter you are constantly trying to replace words with a word that you won’t stutter on to hide that you stutter. Now not many people even know I stutter. I find myself remembering your advice in my daily life and don’t feel as though I have to hide it. To my surprise I don’t think I stutter anymore.
I thought I’d share this with you. I’d love to join your upcoming course.
Regards
Leigh
Austin,Texas
I can relate to you so much. When I end up in a social situation I can feel my hands clam up, my heart race and my brain start to overthink. I’ve always thought that the ‘magic key’ to being a likeable person is all based on looks, and even though the rational parts of my brain disagree it’s like my anxiety takes over and I lose control. I have no idea what I do wrong but I imagine that it’s worse in my head than reality. My goal in life is to be a leader, a charismatic and charming person that has no problems with making friends.
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I have read all of your emails especially Awkward to Awesome. All these people are in there 20’s and early 30’s, I can’t relate. I am 58 and not dead! I still want friends but can’t relate to younger people.
And people & friends in social. Always wanted me to hang with them. Or chat. Yet i only do when im ready or feel i can. Thanks always for your tips and shares
Hi old David. I knew where you were going when I saw your old picture. I can understand. Thinking the exact same way. However making friends came a bit natuaral to me. Almost thought i had to say the right thing yet, just asked one question then from there. Making friends were minumal to me small not large. Just a few basically. I do have a questions for you cant wait for you to awnser them. And thanks again.
Hi David, you know I have tried what you do, how do you keep them talking? My mind is really playing tricks on me. I constantly have to keep correcting what is going on up there. Will this happen for the rest of my life? I feel like I am going crazy, constantly correcting what my mind is telling me.
I’ve recently decided to start putting more effort into making conversations with people and keeping them going. I’m not shy, but i can be pretty quiet and not contribute much to group conversations. I’ve been trying to speak up and talk more about my experiences instead of mostly asking questions and expecting the other person to keep the conversation going. I’m proud of myself!
I always got paranoid when I was little , I am still paranoid but not as much . For example, if someone didnt talk in a tone that i am used to hearing, I would make up so many scenarios with ” What if..” or “Did I do something wrong…”
,I am a person that notices every single thing about someone , even if I’ve met the person within an hour , I already read the body language , expression on their face.
I technically know nearly everything about them and how they act.
This is an advantage , but also an disadvantage… advantage is that I can understand the person by their body language and know when they’re lying or upset .
But an disadvantage is that.. this got me very paranoid, once a person acts differently after I met them , i start linking things from start to end/now. Like what went wrong for them to act this way? Then they would get all annoyed with me about how I cant understand when they say they are okay, but I also need body language to get assured that they ARE actually okay .
Now, I am trying to control on how I act or feel, when someone acts differently around me , I wont keep asking the same question over and over again , ask them once and if they reply , I nod and keep talking to them about something else.Yeah, my paranoia will kick in giving me anxiety , but positive thinking and meditation helps me keep that negative thinking under control
I started this journey to helping myself be more social and attempt to be less anxious and awkward after an incident with my boyfriends family almost destroyed my relationship. It has been almost 3 weeks, I am still repairing my relationship, but i feel that the socialpro program and helpful emails have been helping me become more confident and less worried. To the point that i am less anxious when I go to talk to someone I barely know and more secure that the conversation went good instead of thinking negatively.
There are so many techniques, pointers, and methods on this website. In a standard social interaction people don’t have time to go through all the information presented on this site when talking to someone. What do you recommend than?
I am Alen from India. I am largely an introvert and have very less experience with the outside world than an average Indian, or Malayali (as people in the southern state of Kerala are called.) has.
I live at my mother’s house and grew up without much friends at school and in my neighborhood. My mother was afraid of me being spoiled by the company of so kids near my home. So I wasn’t allowed to go out too far. I didn’t make good friends at school as well. Hence, I don’t know many aspects of social life. I did have some friends, bug they were not much close. Finally, I got two boys and a girl as good friends. They had a Liberal outlook and were academically forward. But they are now far away from me studying higher courses. I didn’t move out of my home town and am studying at a state college in my town itself.
My wishes to have some close friends, especially to have a good girl friend has pained me a lot. My friends don’t mind me much. And I am very unpopular due to my political policies. I want to be friends with a girl whom I studied with in an earlier class. But unfortunately, I didn’t know her then. She studies well and I liked most of her traits. I want her to be a good friend of mine. But she doesn’t talk much to boys. And my efforts to connect with her have somewhat failed to an extent that I think that she considers me as a flirt after she teased me when I tried to give a gift. I don’t know why I fail in such tasks. We meet at college. But I am afraid that other boys would tease me when I talk to a girl and she (my classmate) wouldn’t like to talk to me in our class. Mr. David, I am passing through your earlier stage. I don’t know if I would gain a good girl friend during my college years. Such failures and defeats have impacted my studies and I often turn to undesirable addictive behaviours like surfing the web for the wrong reasons. Can I really succeed?
So, when I was about 14 I had a close group of friends, but one day things just changed. We just entered the Geography class and we were 4 friends who would always stay together.
But the tables had only 3 chairs and I assumed that the 3 of them wanted to stay together. So I just sat behind to avoid rejection I guess. I didn’t want them to tell me: “ Can you stay somewhere else? We want to stay together.” I basically removed myself from my group of friends. But I didn’t want to. I was so scared that I would lose them that the exact thing happened. You may wonder : How can you lose your friends by not staying next to them in one class? Well, it just happened. I think it was because they thought I didn’t want to be with them anymore and so they avoided me. We stopped talking and became complete strangers.
Now, just what you said, I meet people I would really like to stay in touch and become close friends but I am afraid to ask them out for the same reason: REJECTION and Embarrassment.
i think theres a sweet spot that sometimes you get to with a person or group. Maybe its an evolutionary advantage even as we are inherently social creatures. I think you can be authentic and interesting but then you might be overly so and become too far ahead of the game. Ive seen folk who are very successful become really lonely and the opposite is also true, although we tend to concentrate on the aspects of weakness rather than strength. I believe the trick is is to take people with your adventures into the unknown. So you become successful as a group. Taking it in turns to lead and be led. Acting is a great example of this. Ive been the non speaking roll, been part of the dance team, been the lead lady and even written my own script. Ive been the baddy and the hero. Ive been the stage manager and the makeup artist. The sound engineer. Worked in this troup and in this other one. Worked on my own and gathered my own theatre around me, giving the audience interactive bit parts. I still suffer from poor social skills in new situations but it only takes the entry of one person who knows me to break the ice and Im joining in with no problem. Its taken me many years to get this far. I cant change the poor social skills but I can change the rest.