When I was younger, I was often ignored in social settings.
Later in life, I started studying social interaction. Doing so helped me figure out the reasons why people ignored me. Today, thousands of people take my courses on social skills.
Here’s what my journey taught me about being ignored:
People ignoring you isn’t a reflection of who you are. You are still a worthy person even if people ignore you. However, by figuring out why people ignore you, you can work on developing certain social skills that will reduce the chance people will ignore you in the future.
By making small changes, you can make people notice you, respect you, and want to talk to you. You don’t need to change who you are.
Sections
- Reasons people may ignore you
- Why people avoid saying they don’t want to hang out
- Ignored in groups
- Ignored by friends
- Ignored on text/chat/online
- Ignored at a new job/school/place
- Feeling ignored when you have social anxiety
- Feeling ignored when you have depression
- Would you still be ignored if you were better looking?
Reasons people may ignore you
Feeling ignored can be downright painful. The “still face experiment” shows that babies become overwhelmed when their attempts to connect with their caregivers are ignored, and the same pattern continues when we are adults. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling distressed when ignored by others.
Here are some reasons people may ignore you and what you can do about it.
1. You’re too quiet
People usually don’t understand that you’re quiet because you’re shy or don’t know what to say (or because you’re an overthinker, like me).
Instead, they think that you’re quiet because you don’t want to talk to them. So, they think they’ll do you a favor by leaving you alone.
If people try talking to you, but you only give short replies, you aren’t “rewarding them” for making an effort and talking to you. They might even feel rejected and won’t want to try again.
If you know you’re quiet, overthink situations, or are shy, I recommend you work on your conversation skills or shyness first. If you do, your problems with being ignored will likely solve themselves.
2. You’re trying too hard
I tried too hard to make friends, and people picked up on that. Healthy people may shy away from people that come across as too needy.
I experienced this later in life from the other side. When someone seems too eager to talk to me, I just feel that they are a bit desperate. That makes me less motivated to speak with them.
At the same time, you don’t want to be distant or not take the initiative to talk. So how do you take the initiative without coming off as needy?
The solution is to be proactive by talking to people. Just stop rushing the process. You can see it as doing the same thing but dialing down the intensity a few notches. Stop trying to prove yourself through bragging or humblebragging. It has the opposite effect.
Instead of trying to convey all my personality on the first day, I let it take weeks or months. Instead of forcing conversation, I made it when it felt natural. In other words, I “smeared out” my initiatives and inquiries with people over a longer time. It stopped making me seem needy, and people were more eager to talk to me.
Be proactive and social, but take your time doing it. Never look for approval. It’ll make you more attractive.
3. You’re waiting for people to acknowledge you
Because I was insecure, I used to wait for people to acknowledge me. To avoid the risk of rejection, I wanted to wait for others to be nice to me first. Instead, people took me for being unfriendly and arrogant.
I learned that I needed to greet people first and be warm right off the bat by smiling and asking friendly questions.
If I was uncertain whether someone I met would remember me from the last time, I dared to be warm and confident. “Hi! Good to see you again!”. (This has ALWAYS been appreciated and feels much better than ignoring them out of insecurity.)
Being warm and friendly doesn’t mean being needy.
4. You might struggle to build rapport
One of the pillars of social skills is to build rapport. That is, being able to pick up on the situation and act appropriately. People who don’t build rapport tend to annoy those around them.
You may be thinking that if you change depending on the situation, that makes you fake.
Being able to bring forth different aspects of who we are is a fundamental part of being human. You act in one way with your grandma and in another with your friends, which is how it should be.
I think it’s beautiful that you can connect with people deeply by picking up on the mood and letting out a part of your personality that matches.
Here are some examples of breaking rapport that can make people ignore you:
- Talking much more or much less than others
- Being way too high or low energy
- Talking about stuff others aren’t interested in
- Swearing heavily when no one else is
- Trying to be cool or aloof when others are being nice
The list goes on forever. We simply can’t memorize all these things, and it would be fake to have a list of ways to act.
Instead, think about how someone is. In other words, how would you act if you wanted to imitate that person? Are they soft-spoken? Calm? Intense?
We have a surprisingly good understanding of how someone is when we think about it, right? The next time you meet, bring forward the part of you that’s also soft-spoken, calm, or intense. The wonder of being a human is that we have all these aspects inside of us. Rapport is about using them when it’s appropriate.
When you do, you’ll connect with people on a deeper level, and they’ll want to be around you more.
5. You might be negative or low-energy
Always being negative or low-energy is also a way of breaking rapport, but since it’s such a common reason for being ignored, I want to elaborate on it.
It’s OK to be negative or low energy sometimes. We all are. But if it’s a habit, it’s something worth looking into.
Here are some examples of having a negative attitude:
- Not smiling or showing happiness
- Not being appreciative of your friends
- Being quiet and giving one-word responses to questions
- Being overly cynical
- Arguing with someone who says something positive
It’s devastating to be low energy or negative because people are affected by that energy. Since people want to avoid negative emotions, we avoid people who emit them.
This isn’t about being annoyingly positive or overly high-energy. It’s about being able to pick up on the energy level and positivity level of others and be in the same ballpark.
You don’t have to pretend to be happy when you’re not, but be aware of the energy you bring to social situations.
For example, you can say you’re not in a good mood but still refrain from bringing negative energy into your interactions. You may say something like, “I’m not doing so well today, but I’m sure it will pass. How are you doing?”
You might also like this article on how to be more positive about life.
6. You might look tense
I couldn’t understand why people approached and talked to my friends but not me. It took me years to discover that whenever I got uncomfortable, I had a stern look that signaled, “Don’t talk to me.”
Ask your friends if you look angry or stern in social settings. If you do, remind yourself to relax your face and practice greeting people with a smile instead.
7. You might come off as weird
Another mistake I made was trying to be unique by having odd humor that people didn’t get. It turned out that they didn’t know if I was joking or not, which made them uncomfortable. And people tend to avoid people who make them feel uncomfortable.
Another way you may seem weird is by bringing up niche interests that are unrelated to what people are talking about.
Being weird is a big topic, and I recommend you read my guide: Why am I so weird?
8. You’re talking too much
Talking too much can overwhelm the other person, and they may not know how to handle the situation other than ignoring you and hoping that you stop talking.
Telling someone that they’re talking too much feels impolite, so many people would rather ignore you than tell you that you’re overwhelming them.
This article on how to deal with talking too much can give you helpful tips.
9. You’re asking too many questions
Asking someone too many questions can make them feel like you’re interrogating them.
You want to balance asking sincere questions and sharing bits and pieces about your life.
Why don’t people just say they don’t want to hang out?
Ignoring someone is not particularly nice, but remember that most people struggle with social skills and communication to some degree. Telling someone, “I don’t want to spend time with you,” feels hurtful and impolite, so ignoring the situation and hoping that the other person picks up on it feels easier to most people.
It’s a case of inaction being easier than action. Even though ignoring someone can hurt just as much as rejecting them outright, it feels as though it’s less hurtful.
Also, people have their own lives going on. They aren’t obligated to help you out socially, nor do they have the training or resources to do so, even if they are interested. That’s why many therapists, coaches, and courses specialize in healthy communication, social anxiety, improving relationships, and so on. It takes time and energy to learn and teach these important skills.
The good news is that when you do the work to learn these skills, you’ll get rewarded with a rich and rewarding social life.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
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Reasons for being ignored in group settings
Does it seem like the people you talk to ignore you once a third person joins the conversation? Do people look at your friends when they talk, but not you? Do people talk over you in group settings?
All these things are super painful when they happen, but they don’t have to be personal.
Here are some reasons you may be getting ignored in group settings and what you can do about it.
1. You’re too quiet or take up too little space
Whenever I’m in a group with someone quiet, I think, “That person probably doesn’t want to talk.” So I don’t bother them. After a while, I usually forget about the person because the people active in the conversation capture my attention.
It’s nothing personal against the quiet person.
You must take up more space if you want others to notice you in group settings. You can learn to talk louder and practice knowing what to say
2. You forget to make eye contact when you talk
I was puzzled that when I started talking in groups, someone could speak over me. Then, I realized that when I spoke too quietly (like I talked about in the last step) or when I looked down or away.
If you start talking and look away, it’s like you say something in passing. If you want to create the feeling that you’re about to tell a story, you have to keep eye contact from the start. When you make eye contact with someone, it’s almost impossible for them to start talking about something else.
3. You’re not showing interest
Feeling left out of the group conversation, zoning out, and looking unengaged are common reasons people get ignored. People will subconsciously feel like you’re not part of the conversation anymore (even if you’re physically still there), and they’ll ignore you.
The trick is to look engaged even when you’re just listening:
- Make constant eye contact with the speaker.
- React to things people say by saying “hmm,” “wow/interesting/ah,” nodding, and showing other forms of engagement whenever it fits.
- Ask follow-up questions.
When you show that you’re engaged and attentive, you’ll notice how the speaker starts directing their story toward YOU.
You might like this article on what to do when people leave you out of a group conversation.
4. You have a closed-off body language
If you get shy or anxious in groups or worry that people won’t like you, you may play it safe by acting more distant. Unfortunately, this backfires. People don’t want to interact with someone who looks unapproachable.
You need to keep an open body language and look friendly. This can be hard, especially if you’re nervous. But the good news is that you can fake it until you make it. Practice looking approachable in the mirror. Use that look consciously when you know that you might look closed off.
5. You’re misjudging the situation
I often obsessed over not being included in the group and being left out. There was this super social popular guy I knew, and one day I decided to analyze him in social settings.
To my surprise, he sat silent for long periods without anyone speaking to him. It’s just that he wasn’t bothered by it. When I paid attention to it, people regularly got left out of conversations for a long time. It’s just that I hadn’t noticed because I was busy worrying about myself.
Pay attention to how others are treated in groups. Sometimes, it could be in your head that you’re ignored more than others. People may talk over you because they’re over-excited rather than not caring about what you say.
Reasons friends may ignore you
Do you meet people who are friendly at first but then seem to lose interest after a while? Perhaps you hang out for weeks or months, and then they stop returning your calls or are always “busy.” If you can relate to this, the issues are quite different from being ignored in early interaction. There are many reasons why friends stop keeping in touch after a while.
Often, it’s because we do something that takes rather than gives the friend energy.
Here are some reasons friends might ignore you:
- You might be too negative
- You might be too high or low energy compared to your friend
- You might talk too much about yourself
- You might talk about things your friend isn’t interested in
Reasons for being ignored on text/chat/online
“Why do people ignore me when I text them?”
“I see that people read my message, but then they don’t reply.”
This really sucks, and there can be several explanations.
For example, if people ignore you online AND in other situations, you want to start by looking at the general reasons I started off this article with.
Here are three reasons for being ignored online and over text.
1. You make small talk
We can make small talk in real life to kill awkward silence. Online, people often expect more of a reason to talk, like planning something or sharing specific information.
On text, don’t just write “What’s up?”. People often don’t respond to those types of messages because they expect the person who texted first to share their reason for texting.
To prevent being ignored online, include a reason for contacting people. For example, “Hey, do you happen to have a copy of the exam questions?”
With almost all of my friends, I only communicate to 1) discuss something specific, 2) send easy-to-consume memes, 3) link to something we know that the other person really likes, or 4) plan for meeting up.
2. People might be busy
I used to feel terrible when people didn’t respond. Then, as my life got busier, I started doing the same thing without having any bad feelings about the person. If you send a normal, legitimate question like something I mentioned above, wait for two days, then send a reminder.
If people, as a pattern, don’t reply after that, you want to look at the general reasons why people might ignore you.
We have more specific advice on how to start a conversation over text and how to make friends online.
3. Your messages aren’t clear
Sometimes someone may ignore your message if it isn’t clear what you’re trying to say.
If you’re unsure if you’re getting your message across properly, consider asking someone to read your messages and offer you some feedback.
Reasons for being ignored at a new job/school/place
It can be very stressful to start at a new place and feel left out. You want to blend in and feel comfortable, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.
Here are some reasons for being ignored at a new job, school, or place:
1. People mainly hang out with those they are most comfortable around
People with around three or more close friends are often less motivated to socialize (because they have their social needs covered). These people aren’t going to actively try to socialize with you. It’s nothing personal. When you have your social needs fulfilled, you will be as content as they are.
We can’t keep score of who takes initiative first. You must take the initiative repeatedly if you’re around people who already have their social needs met. It’s essential to do this in a non-needy way, as I talked about at the beginning of the article.
2. You haven’t built up your friendships yet
Most friendships are based on mutual interests. It seldom works to make close friends with people you have nothing in common with. If you’re new somewhere, seek out groups of people who share your interests. You can then use that interest as a reason for keeping in touch with them.
“Hi Amanda, how’s your photography project going? I just took some long-exposure photos in the park yesterday. Do you want to meet up to take photos together?” works infinitely better than out of nowhere saying, “Hi, want to meet up after work?”
If you try to make friends with people you have nothing in common with, you have a higher risk of being ignored.
3. It hasn’t been enough time
It takes time to make friends, and that can be stressful. I remember panicking when I was new in class. I thought that if people saw me by myself, they would think I was a loser. That made me try to push my way into the social circle, which came off as needy.
Later, I learned this from a socially savvy friend: It’s OK to be by yourself, and if you look like you enjoy it, people won’t see it as bad. They’ll just think you’re an introvert who prefers time alone.
Instead of pushing yourself onto others, learn to enjoy being by yourself occasionally. If you have open body language and a warm, relaxed face, you don’t come off as the loser but as the chill person who’s decided to have some alone time.
Feeling ignored when you have social anxiety
If you come off as very nervous or insecure, that can make people less motivated to interact with you. Why? Because when you feel awkward, they feel uncomfortable, and we humans want to avoid negative feelings.
Social anxiety can also make you prone to overanalyzing social situations so that you feel ignored even when people don’t mean to ignore you. For example, you may become hyper-aware of how long it takes someone to text you back, and you stress out when it takes them longer than before.
If you have social anxiety or shyness, put all your effort into working on that first! When you can be a bit more relaxed meeting with people, the problem of being ignored will probably self-solve!
Feeling ignored when you have depression
It’s especially common to feel ignored when you’re having depression. It could be for any of the reasons I’ve covered so far. But when we feel depressed, some additional things in our brain can distort reality.
1. It’s harder to see things from others’ perspective
When we have depression, studies show that our brain is worse at seeing things from others’ perspectives.
If we’re in a good mood and don’t get a response to a text, we probably just assume the person is busy. In a depressed state, it feels like proof that we’re worthless to others.
Consciously remind yourself that when you’re depressed, your brain is tricking you. Ask yourself: How would a happy person think about this situation? I’m not saying that mindset will help your depression, but it will help you get a more realistic view of the situation.
2. People may think you don’t like them
I’ve encountered people who seemed unfriendly and cold, only to discover later they were depressed and felt lonely.
If you behave coldly toward others, they will often assume that you are unfriendly and don’t like them.
Don’t wait for people to come to you when you’re depressed. Let your friends know that you appreciate them and like them. Tell them that you are going through tough times and any bad mood is because of that, NOT because of them.
What can you do about it?
Seek professional support from a therapist
Depression is not easy to deal with by yourself. For some people, it may be impossible. Consult your doctor and consider looking for a therapist.
Today, there are many types of interventions for depression, including talk therapies, group therapy, medication, somatic-based therapies (therapies that focus on noticing body sensations rather than talking), and so on. So even if you’ve tried therapy or medication in the past and it wasn’t helpful, it’s worth inquiring about different treatments.
We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office.
Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp.
(To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.)
Would you still be ignored if you were better looking?
It’s true that looks can affect your social life.
But while people are more likely to notice conventionally attractive people, being beautiful is not enough to build fulfilling relationships. Nor is being unattractive a reason not to have friendships.
Investing in good hygiene, clothes, and posture can make a world of difference. Even if you’re not naturally attractive, there is a lot you can do to draw positive attention to yourself physically. If you’re insecure about your physical appearance, consider investing in a good haircut with a professional hair stylist, consulting with a clothes stylist to find the colors and styles that compliment you most, or improving your posture by working with a physical therapist. Remember that this is what most celebrities and influencers do. Sure, they start with good genes, but they have whole teams working behind the scenes to ensure they look good every day.
Hi there. I didn’t read this article all the way through. I rather looked at the beginning of every statement.
“You”
I don’t dislike your statements, I can take some honesty, but please keep in mind that it is not always “us.” Please put in more “They” next time, since that is also true.
As someone who has always been ignored only recently got a true friend that made me realize this was all wrong (it’s been 18 years.) These articles can really affect someone who has experienced what I did a good year ago. I was heavily depressed and kept asking why I was disliked. I would find articles like me that would affect me negatively. Everyone has their preferences, some people just don’t mix, but directly ignoring someone is rude and disrespectful. You can’t always justify stuff like this.
I did not read this article I will say again but the beginnings of sentences are very important. I do not dislike you or wish ill upon you but please keep in mind what I have mentioned.
From what I’ve read of this article (couldn’t get myself to read it all the way through) this is basically just a glorification of extraversion telling us introverts to change our natural behavior. The thing is: since introversion exists it is beneficial in some way to the survival of the individuals who bear the trait. An example of this would be that you’re less likely to get into a car accident since you leave the house less as an introvert.
So, no. Introverts shouldn’t change their behaviors to match those of extraverts as there’s a reason why you are the way you are.
I recently went on a trip with someone who is outgoing. I am more of an introvert. No matter where we went people spoke to him and not to me. In restaurants they asked him if he wanted something else and didn’t ask me. In airports, they carried his luggage and I was left to fend for myself. He noticed the unfairness of the treatment. I felt horrible. I felt invisible. I thought it was unfair because I am a paying customer and all should be treated the same. Even when I speak I am not heard. The other person, of course, has an interesting job and people are amazed and interested. But trying to be someone I am not is very stressful. Where should I start?
There is nothing wrong with any one of you I go through the same thing and it’s not you it’s them being selfish.
So what you’re saying is that I’m not normal and don’t deserve any friends. Great, just great 🙁
Sorry if the article came across that way Dennis. You are okay as you are and you 100% deserve close and loving friends. I understand it can be a very tough read – and remember that most points here probably don’t apply to you – we’ve only tried to list common reasons why people might ignore someone – but it’s impossible to explain the exact reason for any single individual. And just like some commenters have said, often it’s not even about you, it’s just that you might be surrounded by bad friends who don’t treat you well.
I can see why people don’t want these things to be true and feel like the reader is being blamed, but I can also see the raw honesty about why people will behave like this towards us. I believe it because I see things listed that have made me distance myself from people in the past before giving them a chance to become comfortable enough being themselves. It’s a mistake I’ve made myself.
thanks
The most comprehensive, educative and non judgmental article I have ever read on social anxiety/connections. I feel heard.
Reading through all of it, it just reiterates what I already feel – there’s something inherently and unchangeably wrong with me.
I am who I am, I have positive characteristics, but I am socially invisible.
It happens in EVERY social situation – leading me to be more withdrawn when it occurs.
I have learned to just stay away from social interaction because there is no way that it will change.
I understand this more than u know. I was confused, then frustrated, now Im just numb to it. Guess this is how my life is supposed to be.
There is a lot to unpack here but you for got a couple of integral ones:
1. Your friends are horrible.
2. Your friends, for zero reason at all relating to you, may just not like you but may be keeping you around to avoid having to say that
I have this group of friends that I’ve known for 20 years. I am the hot headed one but i only get angry at close people if they don’t understand me. However no one seems to care about this. They have grown to ignore me during my outbursts and i just feel that they don’t even care to understand. I have learnt to ignore things myself but the thing is when i ignore it means im toning down my level of care and i really feel that this is all getting more and more distant. One friend is the centre of the group and always is. I seem to get ignored most of the times in group chats especially when i arrange a meeting. But when she arranges, everyone appears. I recently came to know they even have a separate group chat where they will wine and dine, despite the fact that whenever i bring my overseas wine they do not touch it or say they don’t drink it. I can only make myself distant to not get angry at something i have no control over.
It just feels like i enjoy their company but it’s not mutual.
And at this age it’s even harder to make friends because i am someone who prefer deep connections and this age everyone is all about frivolous or surface relationships. Everyone seems closed off and no one spends the effort to understand a person
Ok, now do one for neurodivergent people maybe. I understand the words here, but don’t understand what a lot of this looks like in practice, and I think I’m isolated partially because of that.
Apparently making friends with modern people is about the same as trying to get a date with modern women. ‘Everything has to be just perfect, or you LOSE and it’s entirely YOUR FAULT.’ Seriously, no one should need a book on how to relate to other humans. Being friends should not feel like you’re on a job interview with a bored overprivileged boomer that the company refuses to fire. Same goes for dating. Relationships are something that should come naturally.
I know this goes against everything you’ve ever been taught about how to relate to others but maybe, just maybe, it really ISN’T YOUR FAULT. Maybe it truly is everyone else’s fault. I have noticed that most people these days are terminally shallow surface-dwellers and are only interested in the most mundane activities, like watching sports and drinking beer, and are typically narcissistic, even to the point of it being a personality disorder. Maybe you are one of the few remaining people who are normal and just trying to have normal relationships with others, and not trying to ‘get something’ out of them, other than just their friendship, which is really all a friend should be expecting anyway.
I say this because when I moved to another state, I suddenly noticed that my new friends were actually returning my phone calls, and it wasn’t just so I could give them a ride somewhere or let them use my medical weed card. They actually wanted to be friends and enjoy the whole human experience. They weren’t expecting me to ‘carry the conversation’ or ‘have perfect energy’ or any other nonsensical crap. They actually just wanted to be friends.
So if you’re having trouble making friends, you might consider your geography first.
This is the best response . I totally agree, Im actually tired of every blog/article telling me whats wrong with me and what I need to change to be tolerable. I just want to connect with people without them interviewing me and trying to figure out what they can use me for.
I agree 100% – Consider geography in terms of countries too. Some cultures appreciate introverts more than extroverts. Some view in-depth conversations about serious topics as engaging and worthwhile. Also, consider socioeconomic strata and line of work.
Plus, good looks take you FAR. There’s a halo of favor crowning the comely. To deny that is to deny reality. Same Behavior by an attractive individual might be misconstrued as undesirable by an unattractive person.
What I do very much like and appreciate about this article is how it teaches you to get along in an English-speaking Western culture (presumably US or Canada). They are extroverted nations that prize sports, pop culture, music scene, etc. The writer points out how certain actions are considered weird and thus risk ostracism.
This brings me to my field of work. What may seem weird in engineering is considered cool in fashion design. So it’s imperative to find your tribe to not feel perennially left out. What’s most painful is realizing that your family is not your tribe. It feels very isolating and invalidating.
What bugs me about article like this is they always make you, the person having the difficulty, into the perpetrator and the people who are rejecting/misjudging you as the standard-setters. Might it not be more accurate to say that both they and you suck mutually?
People don’t choose to be depressed or have anxiety disorders. I’m not going to change and mold myself to fit other people’s standards of what is deemed “acceptable” in social situations. If you choose to ignore someone without giving them a reason, just say that you’re a coward, immature and bad at communicating because that’s what you are. People deserve respect by default. Respect can be taken away easily if mistreated. Terrible article, honestly.
Yep, I think so too. And all these excuses are made for jerks to justify their arrogant behavior. Everybody deserves respect unless they are being disrespectful. Nobody should think that they are the problem, when being ignored or interrupted, because no normal and mentally mature human being would do it to somebody else just because they perceive them as “weird”or an “oddball”. I’d rather be with a couple of people who accept me as I am, then be surrounded by *ouchebags whose “precious” attention and respect I must “deserve”.
38 used to have friends now everyone ignores me at work and at volunteer group. Feel like getting a new job a new volunteering because I’m being ignored. Alone all the time hate it sometimes and like it other times. Did not choose to be single or have no friends. Try really hard to fit in and date. Still get ignored.x
This is a great article! So helpful and gave me insight into points of view I never considered before.
I reached out to a lady friend, well I thought she was one. I sent her some great songs by text she might like, I gave a a spiritual plaque when she lost a family member. I took her food. The last time I saw her she practically ignored me. She goes out to lunch with another lady but never asks me. I’m just hurt, I’m done with being the one that reaches out.
I think it is better be friends with myself only after all, and get used to being alone for life.
People around me are all FAKE and shallow. I’m sick of trying to fit in, only to get ignored after. It happens everywhere I go wherever it’s at school and work. It’s like I have some kind of curse that repels people away.
Would like to be a friend…
That sounds like me some years back. But I came to the realization that those with a wider social circle don’t really do the friendship thing. The problem of being ignored most of the time arises from the mindset one carries. For example, you met someone new, the mindset should not be seen as an opportunity to make a new friend. If that’s the mindset you’d probably come off as needy. The only thing there to do is to be WARM in your interaction. If the conversation gets deep similarities to begin to build and you may become fond of each other. That is how we make friends.
Similar too is how we interact with ladies. You don’t see talking to an attractive girl as an opportunity to date a beautiful girl. If so, then I won’t just happen
Note: having friend sometimes require one person to make the move. When others make the move and you’re okay with them, try to be warm when interacting with them. And If you are the person who would like to have a particular individual as a friend. Make your move and show interest.
Hope this helps
You’re comment was actually the most helpful for me. Thank you!
People that ignore people should be knocked out, not innocent little quiet kids. Whens someone going to study why sociability allows highly destructive hazeing tactics to be so acceptable while being quiet terrifies people? Who’s gonna sue the counselors for my entire lifes asking how to find friends not bullies and them ignoreing me? Today my counselor will still have no response except to say i should act like a bully. If thats all there is, ive heard it all my life, and if im going to act that way its gonna be at for and about this sick halfassed twisted biased kid killing old lady worshipping ideology being sold as THE ONE AND ONLY HAPPINESS.
If McDonalds, soup kitchens, and creepy christians didnt exist, i would be starved to death by peoples choice to idolize the sociable alpha male type behaviour, and i have no respect for any person besides the half dead train kids and the cliques of the real slaves, they can dominate all day and i will never despise them like i do all the people that are so highly esteemed by the slave owners. Those people are a cash cow just like me and the slaves and the cows, but they work for it like if you look at the sky you won’t trip, but i know that is just a dangerous way to walk, at my place there are endless stumps and so my friends disappeared finally after i put up a no drinking sign, and explained that they obviously would rather talk than pull stumps out with me..
Thanks for the comprehensive, useful and practical review about causes and solutions of being ignored, it is really a vital topic and it is the core of too many complex social issues.
On this essay you have focused on the object being ignored and his/her attitude that have caused ignorance, on my own point of view for this topic to be complete it is better to add another essay about the subjective causes of ignorance behaviour in details which is related to the subject who is ignoring other; general situation affect his/her attitude, specific reasons that from their view deserved punishment/blame to the object of ignorance and factors related to pathology in personality of both ; being true narcissist enjoying hurting other, sadist masochist type of relations and the factors that keep the party whome is ignored/silently treated in this abnormal relation eg; learned helplessness. I hope my note was benegicial.Thanks for sharing knowledge and experience.
Kind regards.
I’m confused. I think my problem is I’m too needy and desperate for freinds. The only problem is when I ease off I get forgotten and nobody reaches out to me. I feel unlikable, unworthy and defective. The only friendships I ever have are one sided. I’m tired of being the disposable freind playing second fiddle. All 20 years of my life it’s been this way. What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you, JJ! I try to do the right things, I try to get along with everyone. People tell me how sweet I am, how fun I am. People invite me to spend time with them. I’m authentic, I’m real. I can’t understand why I have no friends. I can’t understand why my own family only contacts me when they need something, & they’re very nice to me & thankful & the moment they don’t need whatever they needed me for, needed from me, I’m shunned. I can’t understand. I’ve asked, nonconfrontational, with kindness, compassion, because I can’t know what they may be going through (as I’ve heard people complain about their spouse because they expected them to know what to say or do in certain situations, without having to be asked or told & the spouse can’t read their minds, but, for some reason, they expected them to know, because they were their spouse. It was puzzling, because they had no problem telling or asking me) & I’m sorry that I can’t help you. Relationships are hard work, for everyone involved. Nobody in my family wants to even try to get along with each other. I can’t understand this. I can’t understand why someone would not be interested in making new friends when they already have 3 friends. Quality is more important than quantity, but if the person limits themselves to 3 friends, (which may be all they have time for, but it doesn’t take much to keep in contact, even every once in awhile, to send a ‘thinking of you’ note without any expectations) I wonder, what if something happens to one of the 3? Move away, change in situation, death. It’s not easy to make new friends. Or, maybe it’s easy for some people to make new friends, but it’s not easy to maintain a lot of quality friendships. Maybe you already know the answer to your question, as you said that you thought it could be that you’re too needy. I can only imagine that if you think this, you must have a reason that’s obvious to you, & if it’s obvious to you, it’s likely even more obvious to others. Maybe think about what it is that caused you to realize this, & then, think about how you might appear from the other person’s point of view. It’s not always easy, because you’re not that other person. But, an interesting way to do it is to think about it as if you aren’t you. I’m unsure if I’m able to explain it right, but try to think about seeing someone who is going through similar things & they aren’t you, it’s a complete stranger, imagine their feelings about themselves based on how their lives have been. It’s an eye-opening & helpful experience. What had that person gone through in their lives already? Are they responsible for how they were treated or for whatever they experienced because of the problems that other people had? Is that person worthless & unlovable because of what they’ve been through? Try to see this stranger & how it must’ve been like for them to experience what they had, & think about maybe that’s why they feel so badly about themselves. Do they really deserve to feel bad about themselves because of the actions of others, how they were treated when they were too young to understand. Maybe the feelings about themselves have been all they could know at that age. What would you, now, say to that younger person?
Nothings wrong with you. Unfortunately most people live in a social environment that’s distracted by competing pressures; phone messages, emails, tv, work commitments, family priorities etc. This quiet period in your life may be a blessing because there’s an opportunity to get to know yourself and find peace and happiness within you. People will come into your life one way or another.
Absolutely nothing
I was raised by very intense, negative people with poor communication and social skills. I modeled what I saw at home : cutting people off, pedantic schooling everyone, generally being on a soapbox and constantly analyzing society. I didnt smile, asked people for rides and favors, and just thought that’s how friendship is because that’s how I was taught.
I’ve become aware of all of this, taken courses on communication and social dynamics, and am constantly improving in these things.
But up until now, I still feel like nobody likes me. People don’t reach out to me first or invite me anywhere, and I feel like I’m just nagging people to be my friend. I’m generous and often pick up the tab or invite people to my house, but they still don’t come back. And in relationships, the other person usually starts distancing herself from me and getting busy.
People act happy to see me when I run into them out and about, but then ignore me. I’m starting to feel discouraged and I’m very lonely.
This sounds too familiar…
These people may just have you in their minor friend list.
People who don’t have you in their Real Friend List aren’t real friends.
You will hopefully get better in the future though! We all will.
Thankyou for taking the time to put this together! I was able to get a better understanding of my problem and how to improve it and feel very relieved.
That’s so good to hear, Gabriel. Can you tell me a little bit about your problem and how you understood it better? I’m sure your experience could be very useful to other readers in similar situations.
That was a really good article and it helps a lot. I was going back to every haunting awkward social moment I could recall haha. I may be an adult but this is still sometimes, a thing, with me. I couldn’t seem to force confidence so I ought to build it for real by learning a little more from the outside. Thanks for sharing this!
I’ve give up I’ll never be enough for people. I’m just not a likeable person I have to accept that and just stay to myself forever.
Jalisa, it sounds like you are stuck with some very demanding people. Have you considered if your family or friend group doesn’t value you?
I believe everyone is worthy of love and respect, sometimes it just takes more work.
Seems like a impossible number of trivial rules to remember for me, if people need people to act like they remember every way to get people to like them every time, they are really gonna be disapointed to hear that some people, actually, have brain damage, and besides dont care if everyone likes them. Dont forget not to care though huh
So how exactly do I appear like I’m enjoying being by myself in a class where I have no friends?
thanks for writing this. It has really helped and I will definitely take the advice on board
Awesome! Let us know if you have any questions on the topic, we’re happy to give our input!
Hello David
I finished the quiz for over thinkers,but didn’t receive the training.
Thanks!
Deb
Hi Debbie, you’ve been subscribed to us for around 3 years already. So you’ve already received most of the free training, but a long time ago. However, you can always subscribe with a new email if you want it again, there are quite a few updates since you joined. 🙂