In school, I felt like an outsider.
I saw how others connected and had a great time, while I struggled.
Take the other guys in my class for example. I often worried that they were making fun of me behind my back and it felt like it was them inside and then me outside. (We’ve written an article about how to spot a fake friend from a real friend.)
You also might like to read more about how to deal with someone making fun of you.
One day, a new guy came to class. After a week, he was closer with my classmates than I was after a year.
That “proved it” to me: There’s definitely something wrong with me!
Like I’ve said before, I don’t regret that time, because that’s what formed who I am today.
I just wish I knew this back then:
Just because something is in a certain way, doesn’t mean it will always be that way.
You see, back then everything felt pretty dark to me. I had low self-esteem, so I didn’t believe that I would be able to turn things around.
I had good times, too, and I did have some friends.
It was just that being off socially and seeing others hit it off when I didn’t make me think less of myself.
I had little hopes I would improve.
I could rationally see that practice makes perfect, but it FELT like there was something wrong with me and it FELT like this was how life would be.
Here’s what I’ve learned after all these years: It doesn’t matter what it FEELS like. Sometimes, you just have to do what you know is right even if feels like it won’t work out.
How did your childhood affect your social beliefs today? Did you worry about people making fun of you behind your back? Let me know in the comments!
I’ve probably dragged my baggage from high school for over a decade now. Being bullied is never easy, and certain incidents and thoughts continue to hurt every once in a while.
However, I began to see how much I was allowing my perception of people from a decade ago continue to affect me in the present. That’s probably what helped me forgive myself, my bullies, and move on. Of course, taking this course is part of that moving on process!
I have never been an outgoing person. I grew up in a small town and was never exposed to the variety of people out there until i went in the military after high school. I’ve learned to listen to and observe people while i interact with them. My problem is learning to spot red flags because once i feel i know someone i tend to overlook things and give the benefit of the doubt to the person. I also struggle with moving on from disappointment in loss of friendships because i value the time i spend with them.
My mother was a narcissist (didn’t realise until I was about 30). She was best friends with my bullies mother! I’ve never got over it and I’ve never been able to make a good friendship. I have about 5 friends in total in my life. I often think they talk about me behind my back. It’s a horrible situation to be in as my mum thought everyone was talking about her too. It feels like it’s a viscous circle with me
During 10 years in my childhood I practised gymnastics at a high level. It was great but most of the time in my training sessions I was alone. Not alone because I was the only one in the room but alone because I was the youngest by far. All the others were adults (I was 10 btw) and it was impossible for me to speak to them, apart from doing the clown sometimes to elicit their attention. Today, I am 20y and I think this is still the reason why it is hard to speak to “more” adults than me. But Im working toward it and I know some day I will overcome that.
For me starting when I was young boy my used to tell that go to school and grow from there so I grew thinking that we to school just playing and grow
My home life was good but school was not I was always left out and picked on never anyones first choice this has haunted me. Ow for many years and has affected my self esteem this carried in into secondary school. I have changed schools now but am finding it hard to be myself around others due to this. Everyone seems really nice and I don’t get picked on anymore but feel awkward around others especially when I am in a big group I think I worry that they will judge me if they see the real me
Some of my friends make me feel the same way and i feel sad about it.i feel sad that they starting to leave me out and ignore me and my feelings. I hate the fact i have to hide my personality around them all the time. I feel like I can’t be myself and I’m really starting to get tired of feeling that way. I have trauma type of stuff going on right now because, my dad recently got locked up in jail and my parents are getting a divorce. Which means i have to move out of my house pretty soon. I hate everything right now and the fact I’m even writing this comment right now. My grades are starting to become low and everything’s just falling apart. And on top of everything going on I’m losing my friends too! I have absolutely no support whatsoever in my life. I’m starting to feel like I’m nothing. Like I’m the thing that always gets forgotten in life. I wont get to celebrate my birthday with my dad this year. I’m gonna be turning eleven in August. And I probably wont ever get to see my dad again. So please hear my voice and at least try to relate a little and be somebody who finally gets me for being me for once.
Sincerely,
Unknown kid
I just joined a new school like 2 months ago, i made some “friends” they was always around me trying to be nice. Yesterday I overheard them mocking me for the way I look and I realised all the people in my life I thought liked me didn’t really like me, they just pitied me and nothing more. It was all because of pity.
I am trying to withdraw myself but I just can’t seem to. I hope you are doing well x. I wish that everything in your life goes the way you want it to. Stay safe
Hey to the 11 yr old. I get you. I felt like you did…ALOT. It feels overwhelming and makes you feel depair. It gets a bit better sometimes then, it gets harder, or goes back to square one (aka. Groundhog day-ish— look up the movie if u dont know what i mean by that).
What worked for me? May not work for you but im still here and many things have improved over time. Youre young still (stupid cliche but its true). Figure out what makes you feel calmest and grounded – do more of that. In fact, do way more than that. If you have the time and interest, join a group of people who like, do or believe in the same things you do – stay with that. Find your strengths and make them stronger. Take how you feel or think about everything around you and turn it around on yourself. Do the opposite of how you’d normally think or react. Times are really tough for you right now. The biggest thing is to find and do what maes you feel the most alive. Surround yourself with people you click with even if it means looking for them outside your main circle. Difficulties or storms will ALWAYS come and things often get worse before they get better. You hurt, yeah. You might feel a lot of negative stuff. Things likely feel totally unfair. You might feel completely rejected and alone. Feel that stuff, yeah, but if you can, march forward and dont give up on yourself. Youre here for a reason, or many reasons. Find out what they are. Challenges overcome are often stepping stones.
Reading everyones comments has made me sad. I ve felt the same things and it is a hard thing to go through. People who have never had social anxiety would never understand the beating up we can do to ourselves and the loneliness we accept. (I m now in my sixties) My father was a quiet person too but could play the guitar and sing confidently. He was a successful business man but he never talked to us in a real connected way. It’s an awful thing to sit in a car with your dad for an hour and try to make conversation, find some connection. It was so awkward, and this was about 10 years ago.
Growing up we moved around due to my fathers work. We had a stable home environment but having to start over again to finding friends grew increasingly harder as we got older.
I ve tried to learn as I’ve gone along. Some of David’s suggestions I ve come up in my own. I just can t look people in the eye when I talk because I always forget what I m talking about. I can do it minimally but not very long.
It just always seems to be a work in progress and I have to remind myself that
sometimes the sun does shine.
When I think of my childhood, all I see is rocks and fists flying, shouting and yelling and getting cursed at by everyone and anyone. I won’t even go into the other types of abuse I endured.
I don’t like to think about childhood…ever. But it’s effect on me today has left me bitter and suicidal at times. I’ve had therapy since 2nd grade, but I always end up having to go back for more and will likely have to do so for the rest of my life. What fun. I’m 52, so at least I’m past the halfway mark.
I was an only child. I went to parochial school for 12 years. The last 4 were an all boy’s high school. Not conducive for socialization between sexes.
I relive so many moments when people made fun of me or told me I’m “so quiet.” It still gets to me. I’m 40 years old and I wish I could just get over it. But those memories still haunt me and shape how I view myself and how I think others perceive me.
My mother instilled in me that I needed to have someone take care of me because I couldn’t do it myself. I grew up with no self confidence. and very needy. I was in an addictive codependent relationship for 43 years. Even though there was verbal abuse, I thought I needed him to take care of me so I was afraid to leave thinking I would never meet someone again. I was forced to see that I could take care of myself as he’s been in a nursing home with dementia for 2 years. I don’t have anyone in my life now, except for a few friends and my daughter. I now take care of myself.
Hi Bernice,
I relate to what you’re saying about your mother keeping you in an emotionally incapable state. My mother did the same thing. She needed me to be incapable and not stand on my own two feet in order to feed her false sense of power. It was really messed up. I just turned 56 the other day and my mother has been in a hospital with dementia for two years now. Being emotionally away from her is the best thing that ever happened to me. In these 2 years I’ve been in trauma therapy and somatic healing therapy and have been making progress.
Our mothers put false narratives in our heads that we carried into adulthood. It’s very empowering to know that we have the power to change a toxic narrative to a healthy one and start to live life wholeheartedly. I say affirmations to myself in the mirror every day to help solidify my true narrative. I’m so glad that you are standing up and connecting with the capable woman that you are. Please continue making progress and you’ll start to feel so much better.
What sorts of things do you like to do to help you on your healing journey? 😊
My father was abusive and he would make fun of me because I was the youngest of 2 girls. He’d say. … oh thats a Renee joke when I talked. I went to school very worried about how I talked to others. I wanted to be liked but I felt insecure to talk so I was very shy and quiet. It took me to go to college to come out and be the silly fun self I am today. Everyone says I’m positive and fun to talk to. I have many friends but my childhood was terrible. My older sister would even laugh at me.