How to Get Past The Small Talk And Connect

Do you want to be good at talking to people and connecting with them?

We’ve had a massive interest in a course that helps take you all the way — step by step — from “Hi” to hanging out with someone as a close friend. Therefore, we created “How to Talk to People & Make Friends With Them”.

The course helps you connect with anyone and with the system, the community, and the course format, you’ll get better results than we could ever achieve in our emails.

This course is for you who…

  1. Feel like it takes forever to make friends (or it never happens)
  2. Feel like people won’t be interested in what you have to say (or that you aren’t interesting enough)
  3. Get stuck in your head because of self-consciousness or social anxiety
  4. End up beating yourself up for stupid things you’ve said
  5. Feel uncomfortable about being judged if you open up
  6. Feel like people will think you’re weird if you talk to them
  7. Don’t know what to say
  8. Get stuck in small talk

Learn more about the course

Why get a course when there’s an ocean of free advice out there?

With all the advice out there, why isn’t everyone a social genius? The answer: More advice doesn’t automatically make us better.

That’s why Talk to People & Make Friends With Them isn’t another “advice-bomb”. Here’s what we do differently to give you results:

  1. Instead of trying to remember 100 different things, you can just follow our system.
  2. We focus on one core concept at a time and help you internalize it.
  3. With my practical video examples, you get experience that no blog post or book can give you.
  4. Signing up for our program means you become a part of our SocialSelf Inner Circle: Whenever you get stuck or want to discuss something, you get help from Viktor, me, and all our members who share your journey.
  5. Our material is scientifically based, optimized for results, based on countless video calls with beta testers, and created together with counselors and therapists.

Advice can be good sometimes. We give a lot of advice in our free material so you can decide if our way of doing things works for you before you spend a penny.

And when you’re ready for change, we’ve got a system proven by hundreds of men and women like you who took the leap and joined our community.

Learn more about the course

David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

Go to Comments (223)

223 Comments

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  1. Hi David.
    I think it’s awkward when people ask me about something “more deep” like what I think about something and I don’t have an answer. I get a question like “What do you think about this…” And I thinks for a second and then I just say “I don’t really know” And then its gets silent and awkward. It’s also very awkward when the person I talk to always have many thoughts about a subject and I don’t have any. The person open ups so much to me I just say “I don’t know”, and then they think that it’s unnecessary to open up to me because I don’t open up to them.

    Reply
  2. Hi David,
    Now of course im absolutely terrible when it comes to starting and hold a conversation so these are my things i want to improve myself

    Reply
  3. Hi David
    I find it difficult to talk to People when I meet them for the First time so inevitably they feel I am rude or not interested in talking to to them how do I overcome this problem

    Reply
  4. I want to be confident and start a conversation with people. I want to be confident facing people. I want to talk long without stuttering. I want these fears to be gone.

    Reply
  5. How to reply to bullying in a gathering and at the same time keep a good image of me that show maturit. At the same time let these people don’t think of make bullying again.

    Reply
  6. I feel that conversations on a professional level, need to be appropriate, and at the same time I am “feeling out” the other person. I enjoy open communication knowing it is safe and respected. I am sincerely and honest, however, some people are players. Having respect boundaries is necessary to see what direction the interaction will take you. Hopefully I gain a new friend.

    Reply
  7. Just scared of too start a conversation with anyone with a Hart..Don’t know how too keep the conversation going either soo …just sucks for me …

    Reply
  8. I just want to be more confident around people, especially girls. I’m ok but not great at talking to people, so when I want to give a girl that I am interested in a complement I get a feeling in my chest so that eventually I overthink everything and don’t actually say anything. Overall, my goal is to improve on talking to everyone as well as becoming more confident around girls I like.

    Reply
  9. Can we get more information that is current to life now? How do you meet people when they won’t allow social gatherings and people are mostly hiding their faces?

    Reply
  10. I think the people I talk to are really cool, but I don’t feel like I’m inputting enough or opening up enough. I often find people trying to get me to open up and then I shut them off by bringing the conversation back to them. I don’t know if its a form of insecurity about my life or the fear of making it all about me. So I want to make genuine relationships with people where we’re both content.

    Reply
  11. Hey David, thank you so much for all your support.
    I want to ask you about something I always do : when I meet someone and feel confortable with them, if I want to be friend withe them I ask this question: <> Should I stop asking this question ??

    Reply
  12. Firstly I want to thank you David for your advice.

    I experience a lot of awkward silence when with another person, however, only sometimes I know how to make small talk but it never ever develops into a conversation. It’s as if the other person isn’t really interested because I put them off.

    I am keen to meet other people and have a lengthy conversation with them without feeling out of place.
    On my approach to speaking to others I tend to pre judge them about pre judging me, and so I forget the idea of going to talk.

    If I’m honest I come across as a nervous wreck and anticipate what’s going to happen and what they might think.

    Reply
  13. Hi David,

    I am good at small talk, but I have problems taking it to the next step with some people. I have learnt some of your technique and will be using it. I learnt a lot form reading your web page.

    Thanks

    Paul

    Reply
  14. Sometimes with small talk, I can fluctuate between being overly eager to hear about someone, nod a lot, smile, jump from one topic to the next, feeling anxious, not spending enough time delving into things, and maybe come across as fast-paced and scattered (this can especially happen if I drink too much coffee).
    Other times, often if I have a lot on my mind, I can feel a little tired, “checked out,” uninterested, and just give one-word responses, which I’m assuming could make me come across as kind of a jerk…
    So there’s these two sides to me that don’t feel like a very consistent character.
    I have a hard time motivating myself to get into that social mindset sometimes because I feel like I am consumed with myself. I think I feel consumed with myself because I am not satisfied with my character– I know I can do better. I’m a little embarrassed about who I am as a person to be honest. Sometimes I get consumed with my own personal issues! There is some depression mixed in there too, and if I feel depressed, I will sometimes be very avoidant of social situations.

    I want to work on these things, and I find your advice helpful. Thank you.

    Reply
    • I feel exactly the same way (except for cofee, which i rarely drink) when i talk to people i feel like ask too many questions without giviving enough info about me, also i m going too fast thru the conversation without giving enough time to one subject.

      Reply
  15. I usually shy away from small talks at work especially because I usually end up over sharing about myself to fill in the silence. If I ask questions, usually get short or one word answers.

    I would also like to learn how to best respond or react to hostile work colleagues.

    Reply
  16. I really enjoy learning your techniques on how to be more social. I would like to learn the best way to respond to someone at work that is demeaning and condescending.

    Reply
  17. Hi David, greetings.

    I would like to learn how to not sabotage my successes. I usually don’t believe in myself even when am doing great in a conversation. A feeling inside me will just make me stop being awesome when I try to narrate an incident, I always freeze and stop early.

    So I can talk to someone for a few mins to make them comfortable and open up. They will keep talking because I show great interest in whatever they are saying but when I try to talk back and tell a story story they get bored and I immidately sense it and we go into awkward silence. I hate this because my glory is short lived except in a case where the other person talk a lot and I just listen and show interest.

    So I need to learn how to truly be comfortable around people. Truth being told I live being alone. That’s when I feel 100% confident and have lots of ideas come into my mind. I need to transfer my awesomeness when alone to when around people.

    This is because I always feel like an imposter marking people feeling I like being around them and a good listener but truly I love my space.

    How can I break out of this habit?

    Reply
  18. I want good and interesting conversations. I want that I and also the other person both have a good time. I want to learn something about them and even have more friendships rising out of it. The most important thing that annoys me, is that quite often, especially with virtual chats like whatsapp, conversations just happen to end from the other side. They just don’t answer me anymore. Having like a good ending our outro would make a difference for me. Something like, alright, gotta go know. Cya. I just feel annoyed about that. The rest is just getting better overall with convos and I think I have already improved drastically.

    Reply
  19. I m scared to sound boring even though I know I’m not, I’m a funny person but these days people seem sensitive about everything they take everything seriously and “having fun “ for them is laughing at other people look or body.wich I don’t like cause I Still do have a savage hormonal acne that cover up all my face so I know how it feels like to get laughed at .i never showed my feelings to others that’s why sometimes people think that i am mean and they don’t want to talk to me .but I think that they don’t make make a difference between someone who has a strong personality and someone who is mean.

    Reply
  20. Hey guys,

    First I want to thank David for being so willing to help people!
    Second, I wanted to share my biggest social insecurity; I too often walk away from conversations worried that I said the wrong things or that my friends or acquaintances will think badly about me. I’m becoming great friends with someone I go to college with but almost every time I say goodbye to him, all I can think about is the things I might’ve done wrong.

    Reply
  21. I just wanted to thank you so much! Your emails and videos have not only gotten me out of my comfort zone but have given me the strength to keep conversations going and building real relationships. I was extremely timid and shy, and because of this I was trapped in anxiety and people always thought I didn’t want to be around them. After some practice, the conversations maybe awkward at first because your not comfortable yet but trust the process and keep going you got this! I also recommend the book The Charisma Myth. Thank you again!

    Reply
  22. I want to thank you for your emails David. I have found that random strangers will talk to me on the bus or train and tell me their life story. But I in my everyday life I have trouble making small talk and asking the right questions. My questions are either too awkward or strong, or too shallow. I would like to improve on this because if I can get someone to open up and start talking they will open up to me.

    Reply
  23. Hi David,

    I moved to new country to join my partner two years ago and I haven’t met many friends.
    I know I did many things wrong but I was also struggling with mental health so it wasn’t easy journey for me.

    My therapist suggested I should step out of my shell and open up a little more.

    My problem is that I am a good listener. I know how to get closer to people, make them comfortable and ask personal questions. What happen next is that same people like me and want me around but often I don’t get the same attention from them. It’s like the other side gets addicted on attention I give them and they don’t even give me time and space to express myself.
    Everyone wants to feel valued and get some attention and I don’t get that. That’s why I loose interest.
    Is there any method to deal with this kind of relationships?

    Thank you 🙂

    Reply
    • I greatly appreciate all the videos you put out, and I am trying to put them to use. I really would like to learn more about getting around awkward silence I don’t have many interests to fall back on.

      Reply
  24. Great advice for making conversation more personal , but I first need to get the conversation going at all. I’m a very nice person, I think I look okay like My clothes are in style enough and I present myself well appearance-wise, but so socially awkward that people steer clear of me. (I may be imagining this sometimes).
    Two things that I need to work on so that they don’t avoid me :
    1) Voice modulation. I am so excited to talk , that I talk really loud. Especially at a loud event. But I talk unnecessarily loud. I also have trouble focusing because I’m nervous so I don’t know what they said.
    2) Dignity. If I act so excited that they are talking to me , they might think I’m nuts. I need to calma down.
    Any advice to remember to relax / get myself to relax and focus ?

    Reply

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