A while ago, Viktor and I sent out questions to over 20 000 of you.
We asked you how you deal with social anxiety and nervousness and what specifically you wanted to be better at.
It was fascinating to read.
Here’s what we discovered:
Our readers are very motivated to improve their conversation skills, social anxiety, self-confidence, self-esteem, and shyness. However, losing touch with friends seems to be a much smaller problem.
Here’s our most interesting finding:
We saw that almost everyone see nervosity and fear as something negative. They see it as their bodies telling them “Stop! Return to the comfort zone!”.
This is obviously a natural way to see it. But did you know that confident people have a different view on nervosity and fear?
It’s not like confident people never get nervous or afraid. It’s just that in their minds, nervosity and fear is a sign that they’re about to experience and learn something new.
In other words, they see it as a good thing.
- Most see a racing heart and sweating as an omen of something terrible they need to avoid. Confident people see it as a normal response to doing sod to.
- Most would do anything to avoid feeling fear. Confident people can see it as a sign of self-growth.
- Most feel that nervousness is the body’s way of telling you to stop. Confident people see it as a natural process and act despite their nervosity.
How I deal with nervosity and fear
A while ago, I was scheduled for a Skype interview with a popular co-living in NYC.
I was nervous before the interview because I knew how sad I would get if I didn’t get admitted.
Instead of trying to push away my nervosity, I acknowledged it, like this:
“I feel nervous. It’s like a pressure point in the upper area of my chest. It’s natural to feel nervous about this because getting admitted would mean a lot to me, and that’s perfectly fine.”
I acknowledged the feeling, but I didn’t let it control me. The interview went great, and I got admitted.
This method was obviously not the only reason that I got admitted, but it helped me relax and make a good impression.
A MASSIVE amount of studies have shown that when we accept a feeling instead of trying to ignore it or pushing it away, the feeling gets weaker and more tolerable (ref).
Read more: Guide on how to deal with being nervous around people.
Feelings are much like toddlers – it’s not until you give them attention that they stop screaming.
This is a counter-intuitive principle that can be applied to all feelings: Don’t try to fight them – embrace them.
I’d love to hear your comments below!
It was a huge, great, awsome advise.
Thank u so much for sharing that with me.?
My main issue is that I am entirely comfortable talking to people it’s just I still manage to mess up somehow, they always seem aloof or disinterested when I’m actively showing interest in them idk why I’m smiling and I’m talking about myself on occasion. Idk what I’m doing wrong. I think it might be that I’m not immediately funny or quick with jokes.
I have my P.E teacher that I really like, I was thinking to go talk to her but I always feel so nervous about thinking if this, I always try to push myself to talk to her but I don’t know how to express my feelings. I don’t know what to say even when I walk with my friends I’m the person who is always silent and they sometimes leave me alone please help me to increase my confidence level and decrease my anxiety ?
The problem is that I can’t look at people’s eyes because inside me I say I shouldn’t look at their eyes to not look awkward. This leads me to nervousness
The problem is that i can’t look at people’s eyes because inside me i say i shouldn’t look at their eyes for not looking awkwards. This csa leads me to nervousnes
I believe in our history that some awkward conversations may existed, but like me, I chalked them up to lessons learned, and I try never to repeat those mistakes again!
It’s really inspiring.
Thanks, it’s very inspiring
I loved your Advice! Thank you so much. Keep up the great work
I really like this. I have applied this to a job interview before. Now if I could get my son to see it this way, that would be life changing for him.
This is actually a pretty good method! Kudos to the team <3
Interesting- and helpful.
After reading the article I am feeling more confident and better. Thank you so much, David.
I also start to stutter sometimes when I face something unexpected or get nervous hope these tips will help me with it.
New people are fine and easy to talk to. I feel it is harder with people I know.
That was really helpful to me thanks.
Thank you for sending me this this is very helpful I will read every day when I can and I will definitely challenge myself to go up to people and be more comfortable and just go for it
David, thanks for your advice about blushing. Boy, was I a blusher in junior high and high school days! I would get even more self-conscious and blush more when someone would say, “You’re blushing.” I would try to fight it and it would become worse! When I got to the point of accepting the blushing, it got less. You are right on the marker!
very cool, interestingly was judy telling my brother something very similar recently though I didn’t know the why behind it all. thanks for sharing
David, I enjoy your emails and wish you success with Awkward to Awesome. I am a single mom who raised three awesome sons by myself so have not had much time to worry about myself! That being said, I appreciate learning about other people and how they handle their lives..just wanted you to know that your personal story was impressive and inspiring..grateful I am to see you happy in your life to the point that you wish to help others..however, as a mother of three boys, I was drawn to the pic you presented of young David and felt the person you have become was within him all the time! Thank you for sharing your story and your time..you are truly awesome!
Thank you,David Morin
You’ve really been helping my self esteem Thank you so much
Hello David I read all ur mails every day really interesting .and the pic what u sent to me with cute dog i really loved it thank you very much ☺️☺️????????????????❤️❤️
Hey David, among all the people, videos etc, that I searched for self-development and self-confidence, yours is the only channel or article which is giving me true confidence and is helping me understand social dynamics, this will change me a lot in the future, keep up the good work
thank you for helping me. looking forward to many more tips to solve my problems. ????
Thanks a lot. My self-esteem has improved in the previous months.
My social anxiety sometimes goes far extreme, I get nervous and develop tremors.
How do you help me handle the tremors?
Hi David,
Great email about learning to accept and acknowledge our feelings – especially ‘negative’ feelings like nervousness and anxiety. I’ve been working with a spiritual director for a few years, and she has emphasized the same thing with me. Throughout my life, I have developed habits of ignoring my feelings or failing that, trying to change them from something I perceive as negative into something positive. Needless to say, it’s an impossible task. Feelings just ARE. As you mentioned in your email, when I am able to accept my feelings as they are, I find that I am much more able to deal with them, and with the situation that is causing them. Thanks for a great reminder!
That sounds like a very good way to look at life and new experiences. I hope that I’ll be able to continue to make this a way that I handle all situations that I encounter so that I’ll be able to do and feel and just be more in my life. I’ve noticed that sometimes having someone approach me and ask me a question without me really being prepared for it makes me feel like I just can’t be myself. But maybe that just is me. I’m a little shy, a little awkward, a little unprepared sometimes but maybe that’s ok too. And I should remind myself that I can and will be ok. That by slowly allowing myself to experience more and by being myself whenever and however that is I get the opportunity to grow and become a more capable person. It’s ok to not have all the answers, and no one is perfect, but we can function and adapt, become and flower into more and more of who we are and that’s ok too.
thank you for this amazing reminder I really needed to hear it today I’ve been feeling a bit down without any apparent cause.Or maybe because I had a blast yesterday and today it’s all very boring. But now after having read your mail, I am going to embrace my sadness in my own way.
This is such an insightful post and really resonated with me. Thank you. I will never forget this.
Wow! I’ve always thought that my anxiety has been the greatest barrier to my social life. But when I embraced it (just like how you taught me David) my mind acknowledge the fact that this could be a new experience for me. Thanks a lot.
hello, I’m a new subscriber. I’m happy to have found something like this because I’m at a point in my life where I just gave up on even trying to socialize. It’s been over 10 years that I haven’t made a friend, and bx of this my two girls,8 &2, are suffering from my hiccups. not being able to attend their school friends’ bday party or going on playdates just bx I can’t stand the thought of taking them and being the awkward weird mom. thanks for the motivation you have instilled in me to find a solution and work on my problem. now I see a light of hope 🙂