Over several years now (maybe five or so), I have seen how everyone around me at my age began hanging out with each other outside of school and in other settings than the classic “stay at a friends place from after school and until they eat dinner”-visits that children often do when they are young. I realized that everyone else went to the cinema, the mall, and when I went to high school, others began going to parties everywhere, while I was just sitting at home, doing my homework and not getting any invitations to any activity with anyone from my class when the school day was over.
Then came a school trip to Florence (I had art classes at high school) two years ago, and I saw even more how everyone had fun in other settings than in a classroom. The one difference between me and everyone else was that everyone else talked to each other, while I always just listened. So I understood that I needed to talk more, just in order to make more connections with people. The problem was that I didn’t know how to talk to people in other ways than just throwing out easy comments like “wonder when they are going to change that light bulb” or “that was a nice drawing”. I never got any conversation going, and I felt that no one was interested in me because they didn’t talk to me (and I guess that is true because I didn’t seem like a person that was very interested in any other people, unfortunately).
When I started at university last year, I already knew that I would need to make friends fast, because if not, everyone would start forming groups while I stood outside. The problem was that I wasn’t included, even though I walked around with them and went to every social event during that first ‘buddy week’. I decided that I needed better social skills because the way things always seemed to end was heartbreaking. I felt that no one I met wanted to include me, and I didn’t understand why. The only way to understand it and fix it is to gain access to their groups, and the only way to do that would be to improve my social skills.
I was at this birthday party last weekend, and I had a slight fear that I would just sit by and listen to everyone else talking. What happened, though, when I started talking and asking questions to the one sitting next to me, was that I focused on him and asked further questions about what he said. I started drawing connections to my own life, and he seemed more interested in talking to me. More people joined, and we ended up discussing things that had happened that week and when the group conversation ended, I was able to continue talking to one of the others.
Now, I have understood the profound meaning of me asking them questions and be more interested in their lives. That makes conversations go easier. But it’s still hard. Especially when I have been that one labeled “the silent one” in almost every setting. The last big challenge is to get other people interested in talking to me. It’s much easier now, but it still needs a bit of practicing.
My new knowledge has made me more active in social life. I make contact with people I see. Before, I could meet a group of people I knew at a place and be with them, expecting to be included simply because I was in their vicinity. Now, I understand that I need to take part in what they are talking about. I try to talk more with them, and I try to be the one who takes the first step, initiating a talk or sending a message, and ask them about where to meet, when, and so on.